Broken Revenge
Story by Lit Gal
Xander/Spike: Slavery, D/s, Hurt/Comfort, Reference to past torture, Bondage
......ADULTS ONLY (not kidding, stop now if you're easily squicked)
Xander followed Angel down the same driveway where he'd made his escape attempt just twenty-four hours earlier. Like then, he was wearing nothing other than Spike's chain collar and Posk's pants, which still dug into his waist uncomfortably even though Posk had accused him of stretching them beyond repair.
Crossing his arms across his stomach, he struggled to keep silent as long as Dareh watched from the porch. He could see the white van waiting by the side of the road and either Spike was in it or he wasn't. Demanding to know right now really wouldn't change that. Xander could feel his stomach tighten with fear, a bitter taste rising in his mouth and a stinging sensation irritating his throat.
Of course, Angel could put him out of his misery with one word, but the broody one hadn't even looked at him since he came back half dressed, which was an improvement over being paraded in front of Angel buck naked while the vamp stared with an open mouth.
Walking down the drive, the pebbles bit his feet, and Xander concentrated on that rather than the fear that the van was empty, which really didn't explain why he couldn't tear his eyes from the van. The moonlight was bright enough that Xander could now see Wesley looking out the open passenger side window.
"Thank heavens. You took so long I really was starting to get tired of his swearing."
"Bloody hell, get these soddin' chains off me before I rip your intestines out your nose."
"And yet I feel no need to get near him," Wesley rolled his eyes, and Xander lost a step as his leg muscles nearly collapsed as relief washed through him. Angel pulled the side door of the van open and Xander could see Spike pulling against chains set in the side of the van above a long bench seat
"Enough. If you had shown an ounce of self control…"
"If you had bloody shown up earlier," Spike interrupted his sire even though Xander could see that Spike's eyes focused only on him. He could only stare back as Angel climbed in the van and unlocked the chains.
"I seem to remember someone threatening to set me on fire if I showed up before the deadline," Angel said dryly as the chains fell away. Spike didn't answer as he pushed Angel aside and then Xander found himself gathered into strong arms.
"Bloody hell, if that wanker hurt one hair on your head," Spike's voice trembled, and Xander stopped hugging his own stomach and slowly slid his arms around Spike's waist. His Master looked so slender, but under the black t-shirt, he could feel muscles rippling as Spike's body quivered with anger.
"Dareh didn't hurt him, so there will be no bloodbath," Angel said, and then Xander felt a wide hand push on his back. Before he could even react, Spike had flung Angel into the side of the van with a dull thud as Angel's head impacted the side of the van.
"Don't bloody touch him," Spike snarled in game face, and Wesley's soft "Good Lord" came right before the man scrambled out of the van holding a crossbow. Xander stepped into Wesley's line of fire at the same time that Angel held up a hand.
"It's fine, Wesley. William, don't push your luck here. Get Xander into the van and let's leave. Wesley, I'll drive until sunup and then you can take the wheel." Xander held his breath until Spike finally shook his head, his game face dropping away as a mask of indifference dropped into place.
"Just don't want you pushin' him around, Peaches," Spike said, and then Xander found himself pulled into Spike's arms again one second before Spike guided him to the open van door.
"Yes, well, I think I'll be riding up front with you," Wesley said softly as he climbed back in the passenger door.
"It might be best," Xander heard Angel say right before Spike slid the side door shut with that unique sound of metal sliding into metal. The interior had a long bench seat against the one side, leaving a wide aisle down the middle of the van, and a heavy black curtain separated the front cab from the back. The back windows had even been painted black as well—slightly more practical for a vampire than a convertible, Xander realized. He sat in the middle of the bench seat, and Spike sat beside him, angling his body to face Xander even though Xander could barely see that from the wisps of light trickling in from the front and the blacked out window.
"Are you okay?" Spike asked in a softer tone now—strong, cool hands running over his arms and down to his hands where Xander closed his fingers around Spike's for just a second before Spike continued his examination. Fingers ran up his chest and to his shoulders, kneading sore muscles for a second before gently exploring the curve of Xander's cheek. Xander closed his eyes as two thumbs gently traced the shape of his eye before Spike pushed his curls back away from his face.
"Pet. So bloody sorry," Spike whispered, and then Xander found himself pulled forward into a crushing hug. The familiar scent of tobacco and leather and alcohol clung to Spike's shirt, and Xander closed his eyes and let himself relax for the first time since the ball court. He could feel his own body shaking, but he couldn't seem to stop it.
"Where were you?" Xander whispered. Of all the horrors he had imagined… Spike staked by some hunter, Spike imprisoned by Leshar, Spike dust under his feet at the auction… Spike chained up by Angel hadn't really entered his imagination.
"Bloody Leshar and his toadie made a move. Killed the moron's minion, and I would have bloody killed Leshar too if the soddin' shurl hadn't gotten involved."
"Shurl?" Xander tried to pull back and look at Spike, but Spike's arms held him immobile.
"Yeah, the bint blindsided me. I was chained up in back of her shop while you were bein' sold, and she just blithered on the whole bloody time."
"But… why?" Xander demanded. The shurl certainly hadn't tried to hurt either of them last time, and this was making sense of the not even kind.
"Told ya that shurls were demons to avoid. Bloody batty creatures, do things that don't make sense to anyone 'cept themselves. But I’m back now, and I'm never letting you go again," Spike promised, and Xander felt a worm of discomfort stir at that promise. It sounded a little too much like Dareh for comfort.
"Spike, I…"
"Shh. You're bloody exhausted, can feel it pourin' off ya. Just sleep. We'll talk more when we get back to Sunnydale, when we don't have Broody McBritches listenin' in," Spike whispered. Xander opened his mouth to protest because really he hadn't been doing anything but sleeping lately, but then he realized that as much sleep as he had gotten, it hadn't satisfied the bone deep weariness in him. And now, safe with Spike, he stretched his legs out on the bench seat as Spike arranged him in his Master's lap. The motion of the van along the highway rocked him and Spike's hand soothed him and Xander slowly fell asleep.
"William, I am not saying this again. You will not drive home without some blood and some sleep."
"I didn't know you cared, Peaches." Spike snarked as he followed Angel into the hotel. Xander followed close behind, but not so close as to get caught in the middle if the two vampires started fighting over the keys Angel currently had in his pocket.
"I have already rescued you once this month. That's my limit." Angel answered as he retreated to behind the counter. Xander didn't miss the fact that Angel had retreated to the far side of Cordelia. Meanwhile, Spike leaned against the counter, his entire body quivering with the energy of his one foot that bounced nervously.
"I can drive better than you any day of the week. 'Sides, animal blood isn't really my taste."
"Don't look at me, mister. My blood is way out of your league," Cordelia offered with a sniff.
"Don't worry, I try not to eat the Happy Meals I've exchanged pleasantries with. That was Angelus' game," Spike said, and Xander sat on the round couch waiting for the fireworks. Angel flinched at the insult, but he didn't blow up and he didn't hand over the keys. Xander was slightly impressed. He'd expected Angel to throw the keys at Spike's head by this point.
"Cordelia, order some human blood from Proiso. Then get these two settled in a room where Spike's liver can recover from the last week." Xander looked at Spike sharply, but his Master had his back to him.
"Just bloody give me my soddin' car keys."
"Fine. I'll make Angel give you the car keys, and you can come back for Xander later. I've been meaning to take him shopping anyway." Cordelia turned her smile toward him, and Xander's warning bells went off at that expression. "Now that you're gay, do you have better taste or is Spike just buying your clothes? I have to say this look is really working with the muscles and the classic black, but you have got to learn to accessorize. A nice watch or some highlights in your hair would make you very GQ," Cordelia informed him, and compliments from Cordelia made Xander wonder if another apocalypse had started while he was out of the loop. Usually that expression had led to emasculation and humiliation.
"Boy comes with me," Spike snarled in a voice that would have sent a sane man… a large sane man… an armed and dangerous sane man running for cover. Cordelia just smiled back. "If you want to kill yourself, be my guest. But Xander isn't getting into a car with you until your blood has more blood in it than alcohol."
"Of all the bloody, fucking…"
"Hey, watch the language! You're going to be a… Okay, what will you be when Xander's lady friend pops out with the baby? Master-in-law? Step Master? Master-Father? I'm seeing therapy in the future for this kid. Lots and lots of expensive, professional help. Maybe you could get a group discount on some anger management classes for yourself," Cordelia smiled sweetly at Spike, "but you'd better learn to curb that tongue or you're going to be spending a lot of quality time with the kid's teachers," Cordelia chastised him with a raised finger.
"Baby?" Xander asked. Oh god, he was going to hell because somehow in all the panic about not having kids he had managed to forget he was having a kid. Maybe that memory was just in a particularly weak part of his brain, well, weaker.
"Mother To Be isn't really talkin' much, but physically she's fine and Joyce is watchin' over her until we get back to Sunnydale," Spike said softly, and Xander sighed as he realized what Spike was saying even without saying it. Physically she was fine, but mentally she had checked out, not talking and withdrawn. Xander couldn't say he was surprised having spent several months with no forwarding address on his own brain.
"Spike, just take a room, sleep, feed, and then I will personally cheer as you get out of my hotel," Angel said from behind Cordelia. Xander wondered how much energy it took for Angel to not dominate the vampire he had once broken and recreated. He wondered how much effort it took for Spike to constantly reject the sire who had once been his everything.
From the stiffening of Spike's back, he was about to say something stupid. "Please," Xander whispered. Spike turned his head while still leaning on the counter. "I can't face her tonight," Xander said with a shrug, well aware that he was a coward, but a man needed time to work himself up to facing the pregnant victim of his rape.
"Right. Just doin' this for the boy," Spike snapped as Cordy tossed the leather duster on the counter.
"And don't leave your retro-fashion faux pas lying around the office."
Spike scooped up this coat in one hand and held his other hand out for Xander as he headed for the stairs. "Bloody pushy humans," he snarled under his breath. Xander stood up and took Spike's hand as Spike charged up the hotel stairs with him in tow.
Once in a room, Xander looked at Spike more closely. The bleached hair was the same, well except for a bit of darker root showing. The nails had no chipped polish. The black jeans had a stain on the leg. And Cordelia had accused him of having more booze than blood in his body, and Cordy's insults always cut to the core because they were true. The woman had a nasty habit of telling the truth a little too publicly.
"Master?" Xander asked as he took the coat from Spike and laid it over the back of a chair.
"Thought I'd lost you. You know I never would have given up lookin' for ya, but the way you fight back, I didn't know if I had time to find ya," Spike slipped an arm around Xander's stomach and pulled at him until Xander could feel Spike's body pressed up against his back.
"I don't fight back, remember? I just get broken," Xander said as he kept his eyes focused on the ugly painting of a lopsided farmhouse that hung above the bed.
"Bloody hell, even Leshar couldn't finish that job. You played the part, but your eyes always showed that spirit you have in you. Angelus, Leshar, Lirowaus, Incan mummies, preying mantis, dozens of fledges… they all took a shot at breakin' ya, and maybe you are different than you would have turned out without all that, but ya aren't broken. You keep gettin' right back up and fighting back."
"No, I don't. I'm weak, and I lie there and take it. I go from one person to another, and I just become whatever they want… maybe that's what I'm doing now," Xander said as he pushed on Spike's arms trying to get him to get go.
"Pet?"
"Let go."
"No bloody chance. Just calm down before your soddin' heart explodes."
"I'll calm down when you let me go," Xander countered, and when Spike suddenly released him, he stumbled forward and caught himself on the end of the bed. He could feel his knees shake and he wasn't sure if it was shock that Spike had let him go or fear that he would be punished or anger that he felt shock and fear for speaking up. Xander turned around to face Spike who now wore a confused expression.
"Pet, tell me what's going on in that head of yours," Spike ordered, and Xander thought back to the time Spike had ordered him to say everything he was thinking. He'd accused Spike of being cruel then, for taking away the only control he still had, the only hiding place he had left.
"They're my thoughts, don't I have a right to that?" Xander said as he backed up toward the door. Spike's body went stiff.
"Oi, whatever screw ya have rattlin' around loose up there is causing brain damage," Spike shot back, and then Xander watched as the defensive expression on Spike's face morphed into something more compassionate.
"Pet, just tell me what has ya all worked up."
"Nothing," Xander answered as he kept inching backward.
"So why are ya suddenly convinced that you're weak?" Spike asked as he started moving forward with a roll of his shoulders that made Xander feel like the weak-kneed prey he was. His cock twitched in anticipation, and that just proved how weak he was because Spike controlled his body, his reactions, and he couldn't keep that hot anger even when he wanted to.
"Newsflash, Spike. I just had to get rescued… again. I'm not exactly independent man here… or independent-thinking man or mildly competent man. I'm not even 'safe to let out on the streets alone' man. I'm big old fuck up man here. So whatever you're going to do, just do it," Xander finished softly as he stopped backing up. He watched as Spike stopped and straightened up before cocking his head to the side in an almost laughable expression of confusion.
"Bloody hell, don't want to do anything *to* you, had a thought or two about what to do *with* you."
"Well, I guess you can do whatever you want with me, can't you? After all, I'm yours bought and paid for," Xander practically spit out as he held his arms wide in surrender.
"What the fuck has gotten into you?" Spike demanded as he closed the distance and grabbed Xander's wrists, pushing his arms back down to his sides.
"I'm just tired, so whatever you want to do, just do it so I can go back to sleep," Xander lied quietly.
"Had better offers from dead fish. Do ya really think I'd just use you like that?" Spike asked as he reached up and slid a hand around the back of Xander's neck, and Xander could feel his collar pressing into the flesh at the back of his neck. His unbreakable collar that he would wear for the rest of his life. Xander shivered as cold dread crawled up his back.
"Don't you? Use me, I mean." Xander muttered as he focused again on Deadboy's horrible artwork and not the unchipped, unsouled vampire holding his body.
"You never seemed to mind," Spike whispered back as he leaned forward for a kiss. The feeling of those talented lips against his made Xander's body throb and heat up and he moaned as he opened his mouth to his Master. "You seem ta enjoy it enough," Spike whispered as he pulled back, cupping Xander's hard cock in his hand.
"Don't," Xander begged quietly, once again unable to control his own body, and he wasn't even sure whether it was his own lust or that command from so long ago. Spike was hard so he had to be hard.
"Don't what? Don't make ya feel good?" Spike whispered, cool lips against his neck, and Xander could feel his eyes grow warm with tears even as his cock filled, and yeah, he was sliding down the short side of nuts here.
"Don't make me feel like this. I don't want to," Xander whispered even as he stood still under his Master's hands.
"Somethin' tells me that's a lie," Spike said as he pressed against Xander's cock, forcing a moan out of him. "Somethin' tells me you like this more than just a little," Spike pressed again.
"No. Stop it," Xander snapped as he brought his hands up and hit Spike on the front of his shoulders to push him away. "It's not what I want. It's not me. I'm not some fucking demon whore. I don't want to be. You can't fucking make me." Xander's hands closed into fists without him even realizing it, or at least he didn't realize it until he was swinging. He got in a couple of punches before a strong hand grabbed his wrist and his entire body was flung to the bed using that captured arm as leverage.
Once he hit the bed, Xander scrambled toward the far side but couldn't make it before a hand closed over his ankle, holding him on the bed. As Xander turned, he found himself looking into the yellow eyes of a seriously pissed off Master vampire, and equal parts lust and terror ran hot through his veins as he realized that punching the big bad demon might not have been the smartest thing… not that anyone ever accused him of being smart in the past.
"What the bloody hell is going on with you?" Spike demanded, and for one second Xander froze, and then all his stupid genes conspired with his growing anger and he used his free leg to start kicking as he tried to free himself. He got in one kick to Spike's cheek before Spike grabbed the second leg at the ankle, pushing it to the bed so he could hold both ankles in one hand.
"Let go," Xander demanded. Yeah, like that would work.
"Not soddin' likely. Not until you've stopped going off your bloody rocker." Spike grabbed for his jeans, and Xander started struggling madly because he didn't want to feel lust, he didn't want to feel Spike's body holding him down and driving him crazy with desire.
"Bloody… just stop it," Spike snarled as he held on to Xander's legs with both hands.
"Angel!" Xander screamed at the top of his lungs.
"You fuckin' brat," Spike snarled as he pulled on Xander's legs, forcing Xander to slide across the bed, and Xander grabbed the edge of the mattress for leverage as he screamed louder.
"Angel! ANGEL!" Xander shrieked as Spike tucked both of his legs under one arm and went back to pulling at his jeans. Xander bucked up and tried to use his arms to pull free of Spike's embrace around his knees, but it didn't work and he collapsed onto the bed as Spike pulled his belt free and started wrapping it around Xander's ankles. Pounding footsteps in the hallway announced Angel's approach no more than a few seconds before the door flew open.
Xander didn't know what he expected, but Spike surprised him by not even reacting to his sire's presence as he finished buckling the belt that trapped Xander's ankles.
"Xander?" Angel asked from the doorway in a voice even more confused than normal.
"Get him off me," Xander begged, and yeah, having to beg Angel for anything fairly well sucked big time, but it was better than the alternative because Spike was still in game face looking seriously pissed.
"Spike?" Angel asked in an equally confused voice.
"Get out, Peaches. This don't have anythin' to do with you." Spike turned and gave his sire a long look before turning back around to pull Xander's shoes and socks off. Xander looked up at the larger vampire standing in the open doorway hoping to send his own silent message, but Angel refused to look at him.
"Aren't you supposed to be doing the whole rescue thing here?" Xander asked desperately as Spike pulled him even closer so that his bound feet touched the floor and Spike started pushing up on the shirt Spike had given him in the back of the van. "Angel?" Xander squeaked as he looked up desperately.
"Spike, maybe you should…."
"Angel, I don't have time to deal with your guilt on top of this, so if ya want to do any good, take your cheerleader out for dinner."
"The sun is coming up."
"Figure somethin' out, just bugger off."
"Angel?" Xander begged weakly as Spike forced the shirt over his head, pulling the shirt off him.
"Xander, I…" Angel stopped, and Xander suddenly knew that he couldn't look to Angel for protection. Spike was his family, and Xander was just the tag-along he put up with the same way Angel had put up with him for Buffy's sake. Xander turned his head, watching the green drapes and letting himself go limp as Spike pulled his hands together and tied them with the shirt.
"Not now, mate. Just get out," Spike said and then he grabbed Xander by the arms and shifted him so that Xander's head was on the pillow, pushing Xander's legs up onto the bed.
"Xander," Angel said, but Xander just continued to stare at the curtains. Angel had chosen a side, and Xander just had to accept that. Angel made small sighing noises. "I'll be right down the hall," Angel finally offered.
"Just stay the hell out of this, ya overgrown potato farmer," Spike said as he straddled Xander's body, and Xander trembled as he raised his hands over his head to give Spike more access to his chest. Spike had punished him in the past, and the whole throwing punches was way more punish-worthy than whatever he had done last time, which he couldn't even remember now.
Angel didn't say anything else, but the door closed, and Xander closed his eyes and waited. And he waited. He had intended to just stay quiet during the punishment, but he found he couldn't wait with the lack of punishment—he opened his eyes to find Spike just sitting on his thighs.
"Well?" he asked, and then shut his mouth quickly because antagonizing the demon sitting on him was a very Droopish thing to do.
"Well what?" Spike asked as he shifted and leaned forward, bracing his hands on his thighs. Xander just stared up silently.
"Bloody hell, can't keep up with your mood shift today. What the hell am I going to do with you?"
"Um, let me go?
"Is that what you want?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Why?" Spike asked in a curious voice, his head tilted.
"Um, huh?" Xander asked. Of all the possible responses, he wouldn't have guessed this one. "What do you mean why?"
"Why the soddin' hell are you suddenly so keen on walkin' away?" Spike asked, his eyes now blue and curious and locked onto Xander in a way that made Xander squirm. He looked away before answering.
"Um, to be free?" he answered in his best 'no-duh' voice. Of course, the minute it came out of his mouth, he flinched. Just stop trying to annoy the vampire, Xander ordered himself.
"Not buyin' it, pet. Start talking. What are you thinking right now?"
Xander simply stared off toward the curtain again, and then he gasped as Spike pulled his jeans open, the sound of the zipper loud in the silence of the room. Xander didn't even have time to bring his bound hands down to protect himself before he found himself flipped over to his stomach with his jeans around his knees. He heard the sound of Spike's hand hitting his ass before the heat of the strike registered in his brain. And even then, his brain obviously didn't get the right message because the sharp heat and sting made him groan in need and ache in ways that had nothing to do with punishment.
"Well? Ya ready to talk now?"
Xander remained silent, not really sure how to answer since the only answer he had would just make Spike more angry. Of course keeping silent wasn't smart either, and Xander gasped as another set of slaps landed on his backside, harder this time. He tried pushing up using his hands, and Spike easily pushed him back down to the bed before finishing off with three hard swats that definitely crossed the line between fun pain and not-so fun pain.
"Ow," Xander complained as he squirmed.
"So, tell me what you're thinkin', pet." Spike scooted backwards so that his weight was on the back of Xander's knees, and Xander blinked to keep the tears from his eyes, and he opened his mouth without saying anything. Five more slaps, harder than any previous hits sent him struggling to crawl up the bed, away from Spike, but strong hands closed over his hips and held him in place.
"Stop, please, just stop," Xander begged, barely getting out one word at a time with his ragged breath.
"What are you feeling?" Spike asked calmly.
"Scared," Xander immediately answered.
"Of what?"
"The vampire hitting me?" Xander could hear the incredulous, snotty tone in his own voice, and he braced himself for more hits that didn't come.
"What about me scares ya, pet?" Spike simply asked.
"Um, the hitting?"
"Why does the hitting scare ya? What do you think will happen?"
"Hitting… hurting… hurting… hitting, what's not to fear?" Xander gave a yelp when he found himself flipped onto his back, his hot butt hitting the bedspread and making him arch up away from the sting. Spike's hands on his hips pushed him back down and Xander tried to ignore his hard cock laying against his stomach just like he tried to ignore the feeling of every wrinkle and fiber in the bedspread pressing against his hot, tender skin.
"Do ya really think I'd hurt ya, pet?"
Xander looked up, and Spike had a confused and possibly even hurt expression. "There was the whole microscope thing," Xander pointed out, dropping his eyes back down and looking at his own treacherous cock still hard despite his own best interests to control it.
"Oi, that doesn't count."
"You gave me a concussion."
"That was before."
"Before Buffy," Xander said quietly.
"Before I fell in love with you, you git," Spike corrected him, and Xander looked up. "Bloody hell, have I ever hurt you since the day I came and found ya?" Spike demanded, and Xander had to think back on that.
"Um, no?" Xander didn't miss the way Spike flinched at his answer, and his own stomach knotted at the expression on Spike's face. However, Spike just reached down and cupped his cheek.
"Wouldn't ever hurt ya, pet. So what makes ya fear me?"
"Stupid not to, not that I'm all not-stupid guy."
"What are you afraid I'll do, pet?"
"The hurting isn't enough?"
"Don't really seem to be botherin' ya much, truth be told," Spike said, and Xander gasped for air as Spike's hand closed around his cock.
"And yet the lack of bothering is really kinda bothering," Xander answered, pulling at the shirt tied around his wrists even though he knew from experience that anything Spike tied was going to stay tied until Spike untied it.
"Bloody hell, you're feelin' afraid of not being afraid?" Spike demanded as he sat up and gave Xander the most confused look Xander had seen since the day Spike had first tried to figure out the washing machine.
"I'm not supposed to want this," Xander said quietly as he dropped his gaze back down to his own stubbornly hard cock.
"Bollocks, if we're going to worry about 'supposed to,' I'm supposed to be out there eatin' the villagers. Hell, after what Angelus taught me, I'm supposed ta be drinking down nuns and burning churches. Poof always did have a thing against the Catholic church. So, let's leave 'supposed to' out of this."
"And yet I'm not feeling better," Xander pointed out with a partial shrug. His tied hands made the gesture awkward and as his ass settled into a dull throb, his cock twitched in time with the pain.
"Balmy git. Why aren't ya supposed ta like this?"
"Um, hello. Not really manly to be all okay with getting tied up and spanked."
"So, you're afraid of me makin' ya enjoy this?" Spike tightened his hand around Xander's cock and started a slow stroke, the heat of dry skin pulling against dry skin heating Xander's cock deliciously.
"No," Xander objected, pushing against the hand Spike held on his chest keeping him down on the bed. Spike gave him a wicked leer, the tip of his tongue appearing between his lips, and Xander pushed harder. "NO." Xander bucked up and shoved Spike's hand off his chest.
The vampire was so surprised that Xander managed to knock him off balance and push him back. Twisting to his side, Xander threw himself toward the edge of the bed even though some part of his brain pointed out that he had less than zero chance of getting anywhere. Spike proved that by grabbing his shoulder, and then Xander found himself tossed back onto the bed, Spike's weight pressing down on him, his bound wrists trapped between their bodies.
"Off. Get off!" Xander demanded, bucking wildly but not managing to do more than rise an inch from the bed before Spike's weight and his bound ankles conspired to trap him.
"Calm down."
"Off," Xander demanded again, and he got about as far as he had last time.
"Bloody hell, just calm down."
"Just—" Xander stopped as he anger suddenly flipped into hot shame that brought tears to his eyes. He wasn't strong enough to stop Spike. He couldn't free himself… he couldn't even stop his cock from lying between them hard and aching even now.
"Xander, listen. Can ya hear me?"
"Yeah," Xander let his body go limp under Spike's weight. "I can't. Please, just… please." Xander closed his eyes and tried to ignore his body's reaction to being trapped under Spike. Except now Spike was sliding off to the side, his body resting on the bed and leaning against Xander's side, a single arm around Xander's waist holding him in place.
"Just what, pet? You're actin' weirder than usual here, and I'm not following wherever you're goin' in your head." Spike's one hand traced small figures on the bare skin of his side while the other went to Xander's hair.
"I just want out." Xander knew Spike heard him because the body beside him went suddenly still. "Please, just untie me," Xander asked softly with his eyes still closed. He didn't want to see Spike's expression because he knew that if he had to see the betrayal on Spike's face he couldn't go through with it, and he needed to go through with it.
"Pet—"
"Not your pet."
"Xander, open your eyes and look at me."
Even though Xander didn't want to, he did open his eyes, his body trained to accept orders even when his common sense told him it was a stupid thing to do, and yes stupid was the word of the day because he could feel his stomach twist into a cold knot as he looked at the expression on Spike's face. The same cold, distant expression he'd sometimes use on Angel. The same expression he often got when someone mentioned Buffy.
"Remember what she said about this?" Spike asked, and the hand released Xander's waist to reach up and trace the edges of the tattooed snake and falcon.
"And this would be the woman that kidnapped you and does all this crazy stuff? I'm thinking she might not be the most reliable source of information," Xander pointed out.
"Tell me why."
"Doesn't matter."
"It bloody well does. I'm not letting go of you because some bug crawled up your butt and died."
"And you were the poet?" Xander asked, making a small laugh that immediately died when Spike's face took on a sharper look.
"Listen, if ya still want to be free in the morning, we'll call the Poof in here and he'll help ya get set up somewhere else. He'll make sure I don't even know where ya are, and he'll make sure ya have enough of my money to make a new life," Spike said. "Hell, it'll make him so happy we'll have to check and make sure his soddin' soul stayed plastered on."
"You'd do—" Xander stopped, not sure how he felt about that.
"I'd do whatever it took ta make ya happy, but I'm not walkin' away from this until you can give me a reason other than 'supposed to' or 'it doesn't matter'."
"That's about it for reasons. I got nothing else here," Xander quickly answered and then found himself even more quickly flipped back over onto his stomach, his hands trapped beneath his stomach, and Spike this time straddling his upper back and shoulders. And like last time, the swats on his butt made the skin burn and sting as Xander squirmed.
"So, let's get something straight here, pet. I'm not walkin' away without a good reason, and you're not goin' to lie ta me as long as you belong to me, which will be until you can come up with a better reason than any of the rot you've tried so far."
Spike spanked him five more times, and Xander yelped in pain. He just knew his ass had to be red with Spike-shaped handprints. "So, why are ya scared of enjoyin' this?"
"I shouldn't," Xander cried out, hoping to stop the swats. Spike's cool hand now ran over the heated skin, soothing the flesh and making Xander squirm and pull at the leather around his ankles.
"Why not, pet?"
"It's not normal."
"Not like you've had a normal life last year or so," Spike pointed out and Xander remained silent. "So what have you got to feel guilty about?" Spike's finger slipped down into the crease of Xander's ass, barely brushing the edge of the hidden hole and sending a hot spike of lust straight to Xander's cock.
Xander gathered his thoughts, trying to figure out a way to answer that, but he didn't answer fast enough. The hand that had soothed his bruised backside raised up and delivered five hot, hard, sharp slaps to the bottom part of his ass, right where he would have to sit and feel it. Xander yelped.
"What have ya got to feel guilty about?" Spike repeated.
"Rape would be one."
"Ya didn't rape anyone. Bloody hell, you lot with souls can turn anythin' into guilt. You happened to be attached to the cock the slavers used, but you weren't controllin' it any more than she was." And the hand that had spanked him now returned to soothing the angry flesh, gently tracing the lines curves of Xander's body.
"Like usual," Xander snorted as he tried to squirm his hands into a more comfortable position.
"What's that mean, pet?"
"What?"
"How is it you don't usually control your cock?"
Xander froze as he realized what he had let slip. "Just that it follows orders now… get hard, get soft, come now." Xander stopped when another set of slaps targeted his upper thighs.
"You usually lie better'n that, pet."
"Out of practice," Xander admitted after several deep breaths. He wasn't sure whether his needy gasps were him struggling through the pain of the spanking or fighting the need to thrust his hard cock into the bed below him.
"So let's try this again. How is it you don't usually control your cock?"
"I just… can't we just skip the humiliation and get on to the blaming part of the breakup?" Xander asked, and a sharp pinch on his already hot ass told him the answer to that.
"I shouldn't want this," Xander said helplessly.
"And we're moving backwards now 'cause you already pointed that out. Why shouldn't you want this? What's wrong with knowing that I'm here to protect you and make sure you don't go hurting yourself? What's wrong with trustin' me?" Spike's weight disappeared off his back, and then Xander was pulled up so that he was on his side and half in Spike's lap as the vampire leaned against the headboard. Xander pulled up his knees so that he was curled up with his upper body resting against Spike's thighs.
"A real man should do the whole protector thing, and here I am curled up in your lap about two seconds away from crying, and this is doing bad things to my manliness," Xander admitted softly.
"Nothin' wrong with wanting to have a safe place ta hide after the things you've seen, pet." Spike's hand went back to Xander's hair, petting gently.
"Not really blaming the kidnapping and torture thing. I'm thinking I was wired wrong from day one."
"Ya aren't wired wrong, pet. Nothing in the world wrong with you except havin' too big of a heart."
"Not really. I shouldn't want this. I never should have wanted this because ya know, wanting something on a Hellmouth, not so smart. And I've lived on a Hellmouth long enough to know that wanting something on a Hellmouth is not so much with the smartness, and really I'm hoping you're going to do something to stop me here because the whole babble thing… not really my thing anymore." Xander took a deep breath as the tears he had so recently fought back threatened once more.
"What did ya want, pet?"
"Oh, that's the thing. It's not really what I wanted, but I kinda wanted it, but you know what they say about being careful for what you wish for. That goes double on a Hellmouth."
"What did you wish for, pet?"
"I was just so damn tired of being there for everyone, ya know?" Xander's guilt made the words hard to say.
"Yeah, pet. Always bein' there and not havin' anyone see that you're there. I know."
"And really, it was so damn stupid."
"We all wish for somethin' stupid sometimes. Me, I wished for Cecily. She probably turned into a bloody shrew who verbally emasculated her husband. Lots of Victorian women did that."
"I wished for Faith," Xander admitted in a whisper so small only a vampire could hear.
"From what I hear, ya got Faith."
"Yeah, but I wished for more, ya know. I was so tired of being scared and fighting, and I'm really a coward and no one figured out that I was this big fraud. Nearly peed my pants taking on Angelus with a rock."
"Most men pee their pants when faced with Angelus. Armed and trained soldiers peed their pants. Takin' him on with a rock should've made you pee your pants."
"But Willow and Buffy, after they got over being mad about the whole 'kick his ass' comment, after that they were all complimenty about how I would always back them up, and really, I just wanted an excuse to not have to, which is, you know, big time wrong. And then along comes Faith… she just grabbed me and threw me down and oh buddy was that a good time, at least for me because I finished a little quick for her I think."
"You thought she'd be the excuse." Spike's words were soft but sure, and Xander flinched as he realized Spike had untangled his disjointed story.
He nodded. "I used to have this daydream where she came to my house and just took me, and then I'd be her love slave and I'd have an excuse to not have to be the cavalry with the rock, and how pathetic am I?"
"Lots of people have fantasies, pet."
"I fucking fantasized about playing sex slave to evil slayer girl. My fantasy was how to abandon my friends and get away with it. My fantasy was to have evil ride up and take me away and turn me into their little pet, and you know, I'm thinking I kinda deserved Leshar because with the exception of the whole male thing and evil thing and selling my services thing, that was sorta my whole fantasy, wasn't it?" Xander's words rose in volume as his anger returned, his anger at himself and at Leshar who had made that dirty little thought all too real. Of course, his dirty little thoughts never included the death… the pain… the fear and the guilt and the hatred.
"Soddin'… ." Spike paused before continuing. "Pet, fantasy isn't reality. Ya don't have anything to feel guilty about."
"And when I was with Leshar, and he killed that girl, when I looked at her blood-- I told myself it wasn't my fault because I was *just* a slave and I didn't have choices and I didn't have to be the hero any more, and a part of me was way too okay with that," Xander blurted in one breath.
"You were just tryin' to survive."
"And now? I'm the little slave serving master and I can hide, and this… it isn't right. I shouldn't want this. I should want to be free."
"Why isn't it right?"
"Um, thought that was a little obvious."
"No soul, pet. Sometimes you lot with souls have funny ideas about right and wrong."
"I'm hiding. I should be out there fixing what I screwed up and instead I'm lying in your lap crying." Xander reached up as he finally realized he was crying, and wiped his tears away.
"Right. So let's take this one soddin' issue at a time. First, why do you feel guilty about abandoning your friends? Ya never did that. Ya stood by them until the day someone ripped you away."
"And yet I wanted to leave." Xander wiped at the new tears that appeared.
"The slayer bloody well *did* leave. Red thought about leavin', goin' to college somewhere else and lettin' you lot handle the Hellmouth. Peaches left—couldn't take it any more. Love Joyce like a mother, and yet her first reaction to findin' out 'bout the slayer package was to push Buffy away. Everyone wants to walk away when it gets tough, but you stayed put. You kept right on playin' white knight even when ya didn't want to."
"Doctor Spike," Xander said with a small smile. "Not to be confused with Doctor Spock or Mr. Spock or Mr. Rogers."
"Loon." Spike answered with a familiar tug on a lock of hair. "And havin' fantasies doesn't mean Leshar is one bit less evil, and while I don't have a problem with evil in general, evil that touches my humans has a short life expectancy."
"I shouldn't want—"
Spike interrupted. "Bloody hell, Xander, millions if not billions of dollars get spent on cuffs and restraints and bars and bloody fancy silk rope. If it's so bloody wrong, why the hell are so many people doin' it? And there are not that many soddin' demons out there with internet shopping habits and credit cards."
"They don't hate themselves like I do," Xander pointed out as he stared at absolutely nothing, the entire room out of focus.
"Pet, listen to me. I'm not Leshar, and I'm not goin' ta force anythin' on ya." Spike voice had a small tremor that Xander could barely hear. "People give themselves to each other because it makes them feel whole and needed. People make commitments because it's what works for them… it's how they make each other feel good." Spike's hand stopped stoking Xander's hair, and Xander allowed Spike to push him up so that he was leaning against the headboard as Spike reached over and untied Xander hands.
"There's nothin' wrong with you and there's nothin' wrong with wanting to feel good and wantin' to make someone else feel good." The shirt came free, and Xander rubbed his wrists and watched as Spike reached down and pulled Xander's jeans up far enough for him to reach the buckle of the belt.
"You're a stupidly brave human, always fightin' for other people, and this rot about you tryin' to run away *is* rot. Otherwise, you would have made Faith the offer. She was tempted away by her need for approval, but you were the one who stayed strong." Spike pulled the belt free before dropping it on the floor next to the bed.
"I'll miss you, but if you can't be with me without tearin' yourself apart, I understand that." Spike kept his back to Xander as he walked over to the dresser and grabbed the duster draped over the chair next to it.
"Just don't ever tell me where ya are because I will come lookin' for ya, and you will find yourself chained to my bed for the next decade or so. Angel probably already has some safe house picked out, and trust me, he might be broody, but he can keep a secret." The click of the lighter and the smell of cigarette filled the silence as Spike lit a cigarette, and it was only in the silence that Xander suddenly understood Spike's offer. He pulled his jeans up and stood next to the bed.
"Spike?" Xander asked.
"You never gave yourself to me. Should've seen that, but I never have been very good at seein' what I didn't want to see. You needed somewhere to heal and find yourself again, but don't ever think that needin' that makes you any less strong. Different kinds of strength in the world, that's what the unsouled version of Peaches never did figure out. He thought he needed to run around killin' and that anyone who did somethin' different was weak."
"You aren't weak," Xander said, recognizing the pain in Spike's words.
"You aren't either, pet," Spike answered without turning around, the smoke from his cigarette drifting up to the ceiling. "Just always keep that in mind." Spike took a deep pull at the cigarette so that Xander could see the reddish glow like a halo around Spike's head in the dim room. He waited for something else, but Spike didn't say anything else, and Xander stood in the dark not sure how to mend the sudden rift he could feel between them. He wasn't sure he knew how to or if he wanted to or if he should. Standing in the dim room, Xander suddenly wasn't sure of anything any more.
Xander stood by the bed, and he wanted nothing other than to make the last week disappear. He wanted to go to back to where he could give Spike what he needed, but he couldn't figure out how to do that without turning into what Leshar had tried to make him. Well, that was kinda assuming he wasn't already what Leshar had tried to make him because a year ago he wouldn't have been sleeping with the evil dead. No, back then he just fantasized about murderous slayers, which really wasn't much better.
"Spike?" Xander called again, almost hoping the vampire would grab him, tie him up, make him stay, take away the guilt because it wouldn't be his fault. Maybe Spike could even give him something to think about before his brain exploded from the babble. Instead Spike stood unnaturally still. Xander waited for an answer or some response, but when nothing came, he took a step back toward the door. In the back of his mind he expected Spike to spin around and grab him, but that didn't happen. He took another step as he fastened the button to his jeans. His stretched shirt was lying next to the side of the bed closer to Spike, and Xander left it as he retreated one inch at a time.
"Spike?" Xander whispered even as his hand reached out and curled around the cold metal of the door knob. The only response was another red halo as Spike drew a deep drag on the cigarette. Xander could feel an overwhelming panic rise in his chest as he turned the knob... enough that he really thought he might just have a heart attack and die, which might be of the good because it would hurt less.
Xander pulled the door open and then he found himself fleeing down the hallway, his bare feet pounding down the threadbare carpeting as he fled away from Spike and away from the stairs that led to the lobby and away from everything familiar as he ran down corridors that were increasingly dusty and unused.
Turning one corner after another, he charged up a set of narrow stairs into a section of the hotel that must have once been scheduled for a renovation that never happened, boards stacked up along the wall and unwrapped rolls of ugly wallpaper propped up in door jams. When Xander stubbed a bare toe against an abandoned hammer in the middle of the hall, he stumbled and went down to his knees.
Somehow getting up took more energy than he could find in himself. Instead he scooted over to the wall where he could sit with his back braced against the decaying wall and pull his knees up to his chest and cry. Somehow standing up for himself and walking away from Spike didn't make him feel stronger... it just made him feel lost.
Xander tried to let go and cry, but he found his eyes dry as he stared at the cobweb decorating the doorjam across the hall, tiny white threads stretching from one side to the other, a masterpiece in buggy building, and Xander felt a need to go over and rip it apart. Not logical, but he really wasn't feeling big on the logic lately. Of course he was too tired to even lift his head from his knees much less crawl the whole five feet to the other side of the hallway. So instead he sat and let his mind slowly wind down to nothing as he stared at the milky strands.
"Xander?" a deep voice asked, and Xander knew the voice and ignored it. It wasn't the voice he wanted to hear, and he didn't want to want to hear that voice, and he really needed to find a good therapist because that didn't even make sense to him.
A heavy body sat next to him, and Xander could feel the movement of air over his bare arm even though he continued to trace the pattern of the spider web. He could also feel his back sending a warning cramp that told him he'd been here way too long. But at least he was feeling something other than the grey emptiness, so he didn't stretch. The muscle running from his backbone to his right side sent warning twinges of a coming cramp, and Xander let himself concentrate on that rather than the wrong vampire sitting next to him.
"He's pretty upset," Angel started, and then the silence came again. Xander tried to tune his words out, but he couldn’t. He wanted to know what Spike was feeling, and part of him was glad Spike was upset because Spike didn't want him, or at least Spike didn't want him enough to keep him. Or maybe Spike… Xander stopped his brain before it burnt out and went back to focusing on the muscle twinges in his back.
"He's afraid you're going to do something to hurt yourself, but he doesn't want you to feel pressured." Angel's explanation made sense since Xander didn't think the older vampire would track him down without Spike asking him to. Xander still didn't know how he felt about that though. He wanted Spike to pressure him... he wanted to go back to what he'd had a month ago.
"I heard most of the conversation," Angel said, and then fell silent. As the two men sat in the hallway, Xander had an image of the spider making webs over them as they sat silent because neither of them was big with the knowing how to start conversations. Droopy Harris had some seriously mad talking skills but Xander couldn't find that part of himself. He just wanted Angel to go away so he could die in private. Just sit until he rotted away. Leshar used to brag that his slaves could do that, didn't he? The silence continued and Xander lost himself in wondering whether he wanted to just sit and fade away or if that would be more proof of his cowardice what with the leaving the woman and his child and Willow and Joyce and Spike and Cordelia.
"You aren't weak," Angel blurted into the silence. Xander tilted his head so he could look at Angel. The vamp had a pained expression on his face.
"You don't have to give me a pep talk," Xander let the other man off the hook. "I'm not going to throw myself off the roof." Nope, he wasn't going to be all dramatic if he did it. He expected Angel to run for it, and from the expression on Angel's face, he was pretty close to it. Instead, the vamp sighed.
"Xander, being with Spike doesn't make you weak."
"I thought you'd be happy we're not a 'we' anymore," Xander answered, ignoring Angel's lie and trying really hard not to be humiliated that Angel had heard his secrets. Hell, after working in Leshar's whorehouse, he should be beyond embarrassment.
Angel sighed again, and for a creature that didn't have to breathe, he did that a lot. "I didn't have a problem with you and Spike."
"You checked up on us all the time."
"Until you started torturing me. Once you started going out of your way to make me miserable, I figured you were back to normal," Angel flinched at his own mistake as Xander raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "Okay, I thought you were close enough to normal that you could stand up for yourself even against Spike. And I was right." Angel shifted uncomfortably on the hard floor, and Xander figured the vamp didn't spend much time on a hard floor.
"Um, not so much with the standing up against Spike," Xander admitted with a shrug. This time, it was Angel's turn to look at him as though he had lost his mind.
"Xander, Spike would rather cut his own arm off than risk taking you back into the slave ring, and yet he took you back in there. Why do you think he did that?"
"Masochistic?" Xander joked, but his humor just made Angel stare at him blankly.
"He never treated you like a slave." Angel's voice was soft and slow as though talking to some mentally impaired child, and Xander clamped down on an urge to hit him.
"Hello? Chains and spankings, not that I really want to discuss this with you," Xander said as he went back to starting at the web.
"I can't say I want to have this discussion either, but you need to think about how Leshar treated you and how Spike treated you. If you want to go somewhere else and start over, Spike is right that I'll support you until you get on your feet. But you really need to start listening to yourself and not to what everyone else tells you… and that includes what I've told you in the past," Angel said, and then he pushed himself up. Xander looked up at Angel for a brief second, surprised that Angel wasn't doing the Angel version of a Snoopy dance at the news. In fact, it sounded vaguely like Angel was telling him to go back to Spike which was rating pretty high on the weird o'meter.
"Angel?" Xander asked.
"Just don't make any quick decisions." Angel turned around and retreated down the hallway, leaving Xander alone with his stubbed toe and spiderweb and whirling thoughts.
Xander stood at the open doorway and watched as Spike shoved unfolded shirts into a dufflebag. While he hadn't noticed it before, Spike's things were spread around the room as if Spike had been here a while. Of course, the vampire tended to spread out and fill any space he was in rather quickly, but he was obviously leaving now. And he hadn't come to look for Xander. Even though he had been the one to flee the room, Xander still couldn't help but feel abandoned, and yeah he knew it was stupid.
"Goin' ta stand there and stare all day?" Spike demanded as he turned back to grab more clothing out of the chest of drawers. Xander jumped a bit. He hadn't realized Spike had seen him since the vampire hadn't reacted.
"Um, maybe."
That made Spike turn and look at him. "Wot?"
"Staring is easier than having to talk. Talkage bad, starage good," Xander said, and then he blushed, realizing that he had admitted that he liked staring at Spike. Obviously not all of his Droopy instincts had left him.
"Pet?" Spike cocked his head to the side, a forgotten black t-shirt dangling from his hand.
"Is that how you see me? As a pet?" Xander held his breath because there was something important here, even if he wasn't entirely sure he understood it.
"Wot? No." Spike's voice went from confused to insistent in a second. "Called Dru a pet, and she weren't exactly pet-like. Bloody hell, the fact is I played beta to her for over a century," Spike admitted without any apology. "Just means I fancy ya."
"I'm just thinking... being a pet was the fantasy, but not really up to being a pet. Or down to being a pet. Not feeling pet-like anyway." Xander said as he started breathing again just in time; he felt a little light-headed from lack of oxygen.
"If it bothers ya, I can stop callin' you that," Spike said slowly and carefully.
"No. As long as you don't mean pet-type pet, it doesn't bother me," which was as close as Xander was going to come to admitting that he liked it.
"Right, never did think of ya as an animal."
"Even when you first bought me?" Xander looked up when Spike didn't immediately answer.
"Bloody hell, I was aggravated that first day. I wanted ta find the girls, and I was scared you'd do something to bollocks that up." Spike took a step forward, tossing the shirt onto the bed. "I was bloody wrong. You're the reason we found them because you never would give up on your friends, even after they gave you up for dead."
Xander flinched at the last point even though he already knew it. "Gave up on myself," he whispered.
"No, you never did, pet. Weak means givin' in, and you stood up even when you didn't want to. You survived and held on to what makes you different from most of the gits out there in the world." Spike took another step forward so that he stood four feet from Xander, and Xander suddenly dropped his eyes to Spike's feet in those big clunky boots.
"And what we do... doesn't that make me weak?"
"Only if you do it because you feel like you don't have another choice, pet. One man is weak for letting someone else break him and force him to his knees. Another man is weak for hiding who he is and never going to his knees when he wants to because he's too afraid of what other people will say. I don't know if what we do makes you weak or not, pet." Spike remained standing several feet away, and Xander chewed on his lower lip.
"Would you still want me if..." Xander stopped. This was a demon and he didn't even know if Spike could want him without owning him.
"Pet, I'll take ya any way ya want. Told Buffy a long time ago I was love's bitch, and I haven't changed. I need to love someone, and I need ta be loved, it's part of who I am. What's more, ya make me happier than anyone else in my life ever has. I don't want ta lose that, but I don't want ta be the one that finishes breakin' you."
Xander blinked rapidly to clear his eyes from the gathering moisture. His throat was tight and when he spoke, the words came out roughly. "And if I wanted to sit next to you on the couch and fight over the remote?"
"Bloody hell, I'll give you the soddin' thing," Spike promised.
"And when it comes to decisions, we can talk them through? You know, decide things together, and hell, maybe I'll even work up to eating at the table," Xander was going for funny, but even he didn't think his joke was actually a joke since it lacked something in the funny department.
"Whatever you want, pet. Not like I'm scoring well in the decision department lately." Spike gave a short laugh even though Xander didn't think he was being very funny either. Funny how both of them lost their funny at the same time.
"And behind closed doors, if I want--" Xander stopped.
"What? What do ya want, pet?" Spike stepped forward again so that only a small space of carpet separated Spike's black boots from Xander's bare feet. Xander bit his lip and stared at those boots. He didn't know if he could do this.
Xander took a small step forward and sank to his knees at Spike's feet, leaning in so that his cheek and the front of his shoulder rested against Spike's leg. "Master?" Xander asked, his stomach knotting in fear even though he had done this a hundred times.
"You're safe," Spike promised, a strong hand resting familiarly on his head, and Xander guessed that Spike could hear his heart. "Doesn't make ya weak at all, admittin' what you need. And never forget that you chose to give me this and you have the right to take it back. I'm not takin' your power--I'm not taking your choices."
"But I'm giving them to you," Xander said, confused as he looked up.
"And I'll hold them for ya as long as you let me, pet. I'll hold the power, but it's still your power to take back if you need to," Spike said as he ran the back of his fingers down Xander's cheek, and Xander shivered in desire. "Never had anyone put me first before. Never had someone trust me like this. Makes me want to ravish ya, pet. And seein' as how you've given me permission, I think I just may." Spike spoke in a low, husky voice that made Xander tremble in lust. "May tie ya to the bed and ravish ya while you're helpless to defend yourself," Spike suggested as he stroked Xander's cheek softly. Xander groaned. "That okay with you, pet?" Spike asked.
"Yes, Master," Xander answered, and the familiar words warmed him in a way they never had before.
"Strip and get on the bed, pet," Spike ordered, and Xander undulated up, intentionally rolling his hips so that they brushed against Spike's thigh. Technically bad form, but the small growl of lust from Spike made it worth it. He stripped as quickly as he could and got on the bed, kneeling in the middle with his back to Spike and the room. Xander could hear Spike moving around behind him, opening the dresser before the rapid clicks of a zipper suggested that the vampire was now naked, and Xander felt his cock harden in anticipation.
He could only hope that his lust wasn't overriding his brain… well, that and he hoped that he didn't hate himself tomorrow and that he didn't freak out tomorrow and that he could actually do the whole normal talking together making decisions thing with Spike and, if he was being perfectly honest, he really hoped Spike tied him down and fucked him into oblivion.
"Wonder what I should do with you," Spike asked in a thoughtful voice, and Xander opened his mouth to make a suggestion. A firm hand came down on his ass so hard that he gasped and fell forward onto the bed, catching himself so that he was on all fours, his ass burning with the heat of the strike.
"Didn't give ya permission to talk yet, pet," Spike pointed out in a cheerful voice, and Xander straightened up, tucking his hands in at the small of his back and ducking his head submissively as he realized that he had fallen for one of the simplest tricks. Spike's words hadn't been phrased as a question, not that Spike had ever enforced that rule before. A cool hand ran down his back, a short fingernail scratching lightly over his shoulder blade before sliding down. Looking down, Xander watched as the slender hand came around and cupped his heavy balls, delicate fingers wrapping around Xander's hard erection.
Xander shivered in lust as Spike squeezed.
"Soddin' inconvenient. Make this disappear, pet," Spike ordered as he opened his hand. Xander opened his mouth to protest before another slap on his ass made him think better of it. Okay, soft. He could do soft. Maybe. Xander pulled up any number of horrifying memories, but with Spike here, they couldn't inspire the terror required to make his cock soften. Of course, Spike going all powerful and mastery wasn't exactly helping with the cock thing either. He didn't think he had ever felt such lust burning through him.
Xander bit his lip in frustration and a growing sense of anxiety as he realized he couldn't control his erection. Despite his best effort, he remained hard. Even the fear of disappointing Spike only took the edge off his gathering orgasm without actually making him soften.
"Need some help there?" Spike asked with another squeeze, and Xander knew that one good stroke and he'd be soft because he'd come all over himself.
"Yes, Master," he answered quietly and respectfully. Just saying the word 'Master' caused a shiver down his backbone. The word was familiar, but the feeling of saying it out of choice transformed it so that it warmed Xander in an unfamiliar way.
"Well you stay, and I mean that—not a muscle moved." Spike let go and disappeared from sight. He could hear Spike go to the small refrigerator where he kept blood. However, Xander held position, listening as the bathroom water ran, and even though he was dying of curiosity, he held position. He'd given the choices to Spike, and breaking a rule would be bad. It would be breaking what he and Spike had together, and he was honest enough with himself to know that he couldn't survive that. Besides, as bad as he wanted to come—and he wanted to come pretty damn bad—he wanted to please Spike even more.
When a bowl of ice water appeared in his vision, Xander barely had time to wonder what Spike was doing before he found his cock and balls dunked into the frigid water. His first instinct was to pull his legs together and cover his genitals and possibly to swear colorfully, but he relied on his training and held position as he gasped for air that he couldn't seem to find. Within seconds, his cock had shrunk to an embarrassingly small size and his balls ached from the cold.
"Ya alright, pet?" Spike asked as he lowered the bowl. Even though Spike didn't say it, Xander could hear the offer to stop in the concerned tone.
"Yes, Master," he answered immediately, trusting that whatever devious idea Spike had in his brain, it would be more than worth it. Sometimes he appreciated having a century-old lover.
"Right, I'll just hurry then." Spike put the bowl on the end table and took the towel that was draped over his arm to towel off Xander's genitals quickly as Xander knelt with this hands behind his back. As soon as the cock was dry, he could feel the stirrings return, but before he could do more than twitch in anticipation, Spike had grabbed his cock and balls and slipped them through the hole into the pouch from the show.
Xander groaned, both because he realized that he would never get hard in this thing and because he remembered what Spike had done to him last time. The feeling of Spike driving into him while his cock was imprisoned had driven him to a whole new level of lust. Really, really nice levels of lust. Nirvana-y levels of lust.
He watched with lowered gaze as Spike locked the leather belt around his hips and then attached the front strap from the pouch to the belt, tightening it to keep the pouch close to the body. When Spike walked away, Xander expected to feel his Master line up behind him and thrust. In fact, he shivered in anticipation of feeling Spike taking him, needing him, pinning him to the bed and ravishing him. Instead a hand slapped him playfully on a hip.
"Hands and knees."
Xander immediately obeyed and a wet finger began playing with the sensitive skin behind his balls. Xander's breaths started coming with little pained moans as his cock fought against the pouch. Spike's finger circled his sensitive entrance, teasing the raised skin around the hole without penetrating until Xander's cock sent jagged bolts of desire and need through his body.
"Hurt?" Spike asked. Xander remained silent since he couldn't quite figure out how to answer that. Yes and no. He could feel the strain in every part of his body: every muscle, every ligament, every cell. But while he might call the hot trails running through his body pain at another time, right now they were something else, not pain but not not pain. Yeah, brain cells were abandoning him.
"Do ya want it to stop?" Spike amended himself.
"No, Master," he immediately answered that one. From the laugh Spike gave, Xander suspected that the vamp understood. A finger slipped inside, quickly followed by a second, and that stretching-straining sensation added to the symphony that was quickly overwhelming Xander. He could feel his arms tremble with the strain while his vision blurred until even the horrible pattern on Angel's bedspread disappeared in a blue-green haze. Spike wasn't doing any more than usual, but Xander could feel every touch like fire. When Spike added a third finger, he suspected the noise he made could be called a whine.
Then Spike stopped, his fingers buried and motionless.
"Whose are you, pet?"
"Yours, Master," Xander answered truthfully.
"And that's because you chose it, innit?"
"Yes, Master."
"Mine to play with and love and torture," Spike said quietly, and the torture might have worried Xander except that Spike chose that moment to press in and press into his prostate hard enough to send white flares through Xander's vision.
"Yes, Master," he practically yelped. A hand came down on his ass and the sound seemed to echo in Xander's hearing as his body jerking in an impotent imitation of an orgasm.
"Don't remember askin' you a question. Seems like someone's not payin' attention," Spike accused him in an amused voice, and Xander could only pant as the fingers retreated, leaving Xander's hole feeling cold and slack. Xander knew the noise he made then could qualify as a whine. Knew and really didn't care.
"Kneel up, pet," Spike ordered, and Xander obeyed. Then leather came across the front of his face, a thin strap across his forehead and another across his chin before a curved piece of rubber slipped into his mouth, pressing down on his tongue before the straps tightened, forcing him to bite down on the intruder. Because of the curve of the mouth piece, Xander couldn't spit it out without opening his mouth, and with the harness holding his jaws closed, he was very effectively gagged.
Xander had never liked gags before, but now the very fact that he couldn't say anything, he couldn't protest, he couldn't make Angel's slightly ugly hotel fall down from his screams of lust... well he was discovering he didn't mind gags at all. Spike stood behind him and now embraced him from behind, running hands over Xander's bare stomach before sliding up to pinch Xander's nipples. Xander groaned, the sound now muffled. Everywhere that Spike touched, he could feel the sensation of flesh against flesh long after Spike's hands had moved on. It was as if Spike was leaving a trail of touches that made his whole body come to life one cell at a time.
"Go on, then, let go. Can't get loud even if ya wanted," Spike whispered, his breath stirring the curls around Xander's ear, and letting go seemed like a good idea. Xander let his head fall back to Spike's shoulder, the front of his neck arched out as he grunted and moaned into the gag. When Spike gave a particularly strong pull on his left nipple, Xander yelled, the noise turned into a moan by the gag. Spike then soothed the abused skin, rubbing the nipple with a thumb until it grew warm, and Xander babbled a string of nonsense words, the gag saving him from saying them out loud. The whole time, Xander fought his own body, the urge to thrust and thrash nearly overwhelming him when Spike thrust something firm and long deep into his body.
Xander's hands clutched ineffectually at Spike as his Master stood behind him, his fingers sliding over taut stomach muscles as he explored the small bit of skin he could reach while keeping his hands behind him. One finger brushed by a coarse curl and Xander wanted to beg for the right to touch his Master's cock. But Spike ignored him as he finished by pulling the leather strap from the back of the pouch up through his legs, tightening it and driving the toy deeper into Xander's body before locking it to the belt in back.
Then Spike's hands closed around Xander's wrists. Xander squirmed a little as Spike closed leather cuffs around first his right and then his left wrist. Then the vampire locked the right wrist to a ring on the belt over his right hip, locking Xander's wrist to his side. The left quickly followed.
"On your back." Spike's hands half guided and half lifted him until he had turned so that he was lying in the middle of the bed on his back. Lying on his back, the object in his ass felt twice as large, and Xander knew he would have already come all over himself if Spike hadn't put the pouch on him. Ironically, he felt both an urge to open his legs and release the pressure and to press them tightly together and thrust, but Spike had pushed his legs together when turning him, so Xander lay with his legs together nearly dying of frustration and his own need to move.
Meanwhile Spike wandered the room, eventually bending over to grab his jeans and pull the belt free from the loops. Xander's eyes opened at the thought of Spike using that on his front, which really didn't seem like the best idea. Xander took several deep breaths through his nose and reminded himself to trust Spike, not that it was easy when Spike had that devilish expression on his face. But the whole ice water thing had turned out for the best in that Xander was way past normal lust and into Nirvana-land lust so Xander was going to assume that Spike knew what he was doing with the belt.
"Seems like you're at my mercy now, pet," Spike said with a smile as he walked to the end of the bed and started crawling up Xander's body. Pausing for a moment to wrap the belt around Xander's knees and buckle it, Spike continued until he was on all fours over Xander's face. Smiling the whole time, Spike lowered his weight slowly, and Xander felt the helplessness wash through him. Spike's weight anchored him to the bed, a supernatural creature strong enough to snap him in half pinned him helpless and bound. Pulling at his wrists, Xander strained as his body grew tight with desire.
"Can't say I have much mercy, though," Spike said playfully before kissing Xander's closed lips. Xander desperately wanted to return the kiss, to grab Spike's waist and feel the muscles flex under his hand, to open his mouth and feel Spike's tongue take command. Instead he could only lie there as Spike continued kissing him, now adding small thrusts as he rubbed his erection into Xander's thigh. Xander trembled.
"Let go, pet. Want to feel you movin' under me," Spike said, and Xander's eyes snapped open, looking into an amused yellow gaze for permission before beginning to writhe at the feeling of Spike holding him down, kissing him, pinching his nipples, nibbling at his neck. Xander felt light-headed as he strained against the wrist restraints and struggled to open his legs.
"Forgot somethin'," Spike commented in his innocent voice which always meant he was up to something far less than innocent. Xander couldn't even form a coherent thought before the object in his ass started vibrating. The sensation traveled through his prostate and into his trapped cock, which made a Herculean effort to break through the leather pouch.
Xander did more than squirm then, he bucked and writhed as the vibrations varied from lightly tickling to deeply massaging his prostate. However, Spike never moved, pinning him down so that his strongest and most desperate thrusts were little more than twitches beneath Spike's strength. The world seem to narrow down to just him and Spike, everything else fading into nothingness as he felt Spike rubbing his own hardness against Xander's leg. Then a line of kisses along his collarbone turned into teeth driven deeply into his shoulder muscle, and Xander's whole body tightened and trembled. The world vanished into whiteness where he only dimly felt the dampness of Spike's release and the feeling of being held down.
Xander had the sensation of floating even as Spike curled around him, a strong leg lying over his thighs and Spike's head resting on his shoulder. He didn't even realize how chilled he had become until Spike pulled a blanket over them before settling down to trace small designs over Xander's chest. Xander closed his eyes and let himself fall asleep.
What felt like a lifetime later, Xander wandered his way back to consciousness, Spike's weight still resting against him, pinning one arm down. Using small movements, he tested his bonds again, pulling at one wrist and fighting the muzzle. Nothing shifted. Xander lay staring at a crack across the plaster of the ceiling alone with his own thoughts until Spike woke up and freed him.
He should probably feel guilty. God knows that Giles would have several different varieties of kittens if he walked in. Hell, the man would probably give birth to demon kittens if he walked in. And Xander was trying to avoid even thinking about Willow who would definitely be pulling out the toad spells. But then again, Xander thought Angel would probably just roll his eyes. And Cordelia? Xander suspected that she probably had her own collection of naughty toys. Back in the day, Cordelia had been known to do things like grab him by the cock, pulling him along with those fingernails dangerously close to parts of his body that he preferred unpunctured.
But what had Spike said about some people being cowards for listening to what other people said? Xander hadn't ever seen himself like that since he had done the whole "kick his ass" thing and the bomb in the basement even after getting called the Zeppo thing and the telling Buffy off for walking out on them thing. He'd even dated Anya after the Scoobies had burned through telephone wires pointing out that Hello?!?! Demon?!?! He still remembered the wide-eyed look of shock on Willow's face when he'd shown up with Anya on his arm.
So he wasn't all cowardly in listening to other people about other things, so maybe he shouldn't care about Giles and his potential demon kitten offspring.
"Oi, you're thinkin' awful loud, pet," a tired voice complained, but Xander couldn't exactly answer. He watched as Spike pushed himself up and blinked owlishly while looking around the room.
"Bloody hell, almost sunset. If we hurry, we can get out of here before Peaches goes on any more guilt trips." Xander could only blink up since he wasn't going to be hurrying anywhere anytime soon. At least not unless Spike planned on untying him. Spike must have realized that because he reached down and worked the muzzle buckle, pulling the leather strap loose before pulling the whole harness off so that Xander could finally open his mouth. Xander pushed the mouth piece out onto the mattress away from Spike.
"You alright, pet?" Spike asked.
"Yes, Master," Xander answered, and then he paused, trying to find more words but unsure about both what he wanted to say and whether he had permission to say it.
"Ya look a little unsure 'bout that," Spike commented as he started unbuckling a wrist restraint.
"Master," Xander paused again. "I don't know the rules." Xander said the words quietly.
Immediately Spike stopped moving and looked into Xander's confused eyes. "Bloody hell, some days I really do bollocks things up."
"No, Master," Xander objected.
"I soddin' well do. I went into Lirowaus with no plan other than to impress the bastard. I bloody threatened Angel if he came looking for us at that latest show before the deadline I gave him. I've scared ya into flashbacks at least as often as Willow. And no matter how much I bollocks it all up, you still look at me with this expression of trust that makes me love ya even more." Spike reached up and brushed curls off Xander's forehead before cupping the back of his head and pulling him forward for a kiss.
Xander opened his lips so that their tongues could meet. Spike's kisses were normally demanding, but this time his lips moved slowly and his tongue explored gently. When Spike pulled back, Xander was left blinking in shock and desire.
"Do you really?" Xander asked.
"Really what?"
"Love me?" Xander whispered feeling like a 15 year old girl needing reassurance, but they he'd violated the manly code so often that one more violation shouldn't be such a big deal.
"Yeah, mate, I do. Which is why the rules here aren't all 'bout me. Ya get veto power over anythin' you can't live with, and you have a right to set rules too." Spike promised as he unfastened the belt from around Xander's knees and then started work on releasing the pouch.
"And if I'm okay with doing what you want?" Xander asked.
"Even better. Lets me be as evil as I want. Just don't think that you lose your right ta veto later if ya want." Spike worked on releasing the second wrist, and Xander reached up and cupped Spike's face in his two hands, and the unfamiliar feel of Spike's face made him realize that he had never touched Spike's face. He moved his hand up so that he could run a thumb across one eyebrow, feeling the smooth hairs interrupted by the sharp edge of the scar.
"I kinda like you evil," Xander confessed as he really examined Spike's face. Xander suddenly had the breath stolen from him as Spike pulled him into a passionate kiss, the vampire's strength crushing him to Spike's chest.