Irony
Rated ADULT
Warnings: Hyena!Xander, Dominance battle, Slash
beta'ed by Velvet Virago
Part Ten
“Um, can we lose the chains maybe?” I asked, stomping on that part of me that felt like demanding and ordering and quite frankly growling. I’d earned the right to growl, but I didn’t think any of these people were ready for me to be growly Xander. Of course that didn’t change my desire to bite both of them when Giles and Buffy traded wary looks. “Guys, this is me, the Xan-man. And the Xan-man is getting chafed wrists here, so maybe a little less with the deep meaningful looks and a little more with the keys.” I watched Angel’s hand close around Spike’s forearm, and again with the need to growl. I hadn’t needed this much self-restraint since Buffy wore that polka-dotted bikini with the little spaghetti straps that weekend in eleventh grade.
“I’ll get the keys,” Giles finally said with a deep sigh, and I swear if they didn’t hate each other so much I would say Giles and Angel would be the perfect pair. They could sit around trying to out-sigh each other and complain about how the people in their lives weren’t perfect. Of course that would definitely not be of the good in Queen C’s eyes since she was already staking her claim on Angel. If he didn’t watch it, he was going to end up the world’s first henpecked vampire, and it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. However, if Angel didn’t get his hand off Spike, Angel was going to be a henpecked pile of dust.
After rattling around in the kitchen, Giles came out with a large key, and I turned around to let him get the chains off.
“We thought you were all possessed… again.” Willow offered apologetically.
“As opposed to possessed still,” Buffy said, and that sounded a lot less apologetic than pissy.
“I know I should have…” I started.
“Not telling us was immature and utterly unforgivable,” Giles interrupted as he took the chains over to the heavy weapons chest, dropping them to one side. What? Did he think he was going to need them again? The trust and love in the room was underwhelming.
“I wouldn’t go as far as…”
“I just don’t know why you thought you had to hide it. We would have understood, right?” And Willow’s teary words still had the power to cut me to the innermost part of my soul. I swear, you’d think that inheriting a badass alpha predator would be some protection from Willow-tears, but no. I opened my mouth to explain myself when Giles cut me off.
“And just how serious is this problem now?”
“He has a good deal of control.” Angel said.
“Primals are notoriously dangerous.”
“He hasn’t shown signs of dangerously aggressive behavior.” Angel said to Giles at the same time Willow turned her power of pout onto me.
“Xander, did you think you couldn’t trust us?” Willow asked, and I was starting to feel like the tennis ball in the middle of the court.
“Hey, standing right here, people. It’d be nice if people actually talked to me instead of discussing me,” I snapped at Angel and Giles. I sort of ignored Willow since I was angry enough that everything I said came out with an edge of snarl, and I would never be able to recover from the guilt of snarling at Willow. She was Willow, snapping at her was like mooning a nun, which was entirely of the wrong. Well, not as wrong as Angel’s eating of nuns, but oh look, everyone was looking at me and I was wandering off into mental babble land.
“Look, I didn’t know the hyena was still there at first. I thought I was just having some vivid memories of what people smelled like through a hyena’s nose.” I settled down on the second couch. Angel had already sat at the end with Spike sort of perched on the arm, and yeah I didn’t miss those two making with the united front. So much for Spike being over his sire. I took a deep breath before continuing, conveniently leaving out the part where people smell a little like meat.
“When I finally decided that I still had the actual hyena-hyena instead of just the hyena memories…”
“I thought you didn’t remember anything from being a hyena?” Buffy challenged me, and I shot Giles a ‘save me’ look. Yep, heavy sigh, cleaning of glasses, and Giles to the rescue.
“Yes, well Xander and I discussed his discomfort with both his behavior and your reactions to him after the hyena was *supposedly* out of him. I agreed to keep his secret and allow him to prevaricate on the issue.”
“So you lied?” Buffy turned to me with this big hurty shocked kind of expression, which was so much harder to deal with than the pissy expression.
I shifted a little, uncomfortable and starting to feel the kind of sweat that not even Rightguard could battle, not that I was actually wearing any. “Um, I thought Giles just covered that, or did I get the meaning of prevaricate wrong? I’m kinda guessing from the context it means being on the ‘so not’ side of honest. Besides, I didn’t want you guys being all weirded out around me because of the things I did that were kinda weird-worthy.”
“And that certainly does sound like our Xander with his ability to massacre the English language,” Giles said dryly as he stood and went for the cabinet where he kept the good liquor.
“About soddin’ time for the good stuff,” Spike said, and Giles just ignored him as he poured himself a shot. The man did have practice at ignoring Spike, but a little tiny piece of me whispered that Giles didn’t have practice dealing with a Spike on a significantly longer leash. The whole Giles turning his back made that clear. When Giles didn’t react to Spike's comment, Spike continued, “You could bloody share that, watcher.”
“I could, yes. But I chose not to.” Giles returned to lean against the wall with his drink, and I really had no idea what to do to make things go back the way they were supposed to be. Giles was looking too tired to even clean his glasses, Willow was giving me these big watery anime eyes, Tara wasn’t looking at me at all, Buffy was glaring at me while throwing in a side of frown at Angel. Spike was obsessed with that fraying cuff, and Angel just sat like a statue. A broody statue.
Oh yeah, this was comfortable. I squirmed a little in my seat. Spike exploded into motion as he sprang up and headed for the kitchen, and I didn’t blame him at all. I’d run for another room too, except I suspected everybody would just follow me. I could hear him pawing through the refrigerator looking for either blood or bizarre English snack foods.
“Can we just get over things that happened years ago, please?” I turned pleading eyes first to the girls and then Giles.
“And why you never thought to tell us, Angel, I will never understand.” Giles complained as he turned to Angel. Oh yeah, my little plea had worked real well. Hey, things *were* getting back to normal what with the me being ignored part of the evening.
“It was his business. He wasn’t losing himself to the primal spirit,” Angel said evenly. Giles made a sound between a snort and a cough.
“And I supposed you fancy yourself as an expert on such matters?”
“Guys, hey! You couldn’t do anything anyway,” I interrupted before the Giles versus Angel thing overtook the Me versus Everyone thing, and yeah, in hindsight I should have just let Angel take the bashing and slunk away on my belly like a good little beta male. I think the hyena made me more stupid than usual, and considering my starting point, that was not a comforting thought. Giles was now glaring at me, so I stumbled on. “You and Willow said that it was a good thing that crazy painted guy took the spirits since it took a human host to draw it out. What were we going to do… pick some schmuck off the street and put the primal in him?”
“We could have found another way.” Willow’s little hurt voice so didn’t make things better.
“Willow, I didn’t want you guys to worry. And besides, it’s helped me out from time to time.”
“Well, we’ll just have to try and lure it out now. Perhaps we can use some sort of avatar to lure the spirit out and into some sort of vessel.” Giles had his resolve voice and Willow’s features settled into her resolve face, and Tara gave me a small smile and boy did I feel like a jerk for yanking that rug out from under them.
“It’s a little too late for the whole lure plan,” I interjected, and Giles turned weary eyes my way.
“Xander?” he asked slowly, drawing my name out into about five syllables, and I really hated it when he did that. Hated it like when I was six and my mother would scream my full name down the street when I forgot to put my toys away. Having the whole block know what a lame middle name I had? Not of the good.
“Um.. we merged?” I said uncertainly, the Zeppo instincts and the hyena instincts at direct odds on how to handle this. But truth be told I’d been a loser a lot longer than I’d been a primal, so Zeppo instincts won. I cringed a little as I waited for the reaction.
“How could you,” Giles exploded, his hand slamming his drink down so hard on the nearby shelf that the liquid slopped over the sides and the picture of his on-again, off-again lady friend fell down face first with a crunch.
“It was merge or die since at the time all these white coats were trying to figure out how to torture me into going primal,” I yelled right back. Yeah, that got surprised looks all round, and it suddenly occurred to me that I don’t ever stand up to Giles. Not until now. Even Spike appeared in the kitchen doorway, mug in hand and with an expression of amused anticipation. Yeah, well, dream on Bleach boy, because I’m not starting a knock-down drag out fight with Giles.
“What I can’t figure out is how they knew you had this primal spirit at all,” Buffy pointed out, brow crinkled. She looks so cute when she’s thinking hard that I almost had to forgive her for the whole hair-pulling, hand-cuffing thing. Almost.
“They didn’t. Riley sent them after Spike, and when the soldiers attacked, they noticed that I wasn’t entirely human.” I so wasn’t going to tell them exactly how they noticed, and what had triggered my hyena to emerge. I sneaked a glance over at Spike, who sipped his blood and kept quiet, and was he trying to look innocent? Honestly, that was a slightly creepy expression.
“Okay, that’s enough with the anti-Riley brigade. He is the man *I* chose and I’m tired of you tearing him down.” Buffy glowered and took a threatening step forward, and I stood before I even realized my brain was sending my legs the signals. My brain often didn’t communicate well with the rest of me, but usually the miscommunication involved number 2 pencils and bubble sheets. This was a first for the body and the brain actually not communicating at all, and I clamped down on the instincts that suggested things like eliminating the female who had brought the enemy into the pack. Yep, even I could spot that one as hyena logic. Go me.
“I’m not tearing him down," I said through clenched teeth as I tried to separate the hyena desire to attack from my own healthy anger at being totally ignored. I hadn't torn Riley down. Trust me, when I tear Riley down, people notice. I had just stated facts, and I needed to stay calm before someone got hurt, like me. I took a deep breath and continued even though Buffy had her armed crossed with that 'don't fuck with me' expression. "He actually put himself on the line to get us out of there, or rather me since he was all ‘woo hoo’ about them killing Spike." <i>Deep breath, the mate is fine, don't growl.</i> "But the fact is that he’s been turning in reports. *He* told them where to find Spike. *He* told them that Willow and Tara were witches. *He* told them about the coven retreat thingy.”
“And we’re supposed to believe you?” Buffy didn’t mean that; I know she didn’t. Buffy has this really big pseudo-Cordelia inner bitch that sometimes snaps out these horrible things that she never, ever means. We’ve even sat in a big Scoobie pile on Willow’s bed watching bad foreign films and talking about Buffy’s past as a Cordy clone. She always said she felt guilty over her lapses into Cordy-level insults. But damn, that still hurt.
“Yeah, Buff, actually you are. See, I’m not the one who believed some imposter who obviously said stuff that made you believe I was some sort of uber-jerk, and I’m not the one who left you to get cut up and electrocuted and injected and drugged by people claiming to be doctors, and I’m not even the one who tells your secrets to a government that obviously has some major issues. So, I guess I thought I had earned your trust." I left off the 'I'd earned it more than the guy you chose' even though I was thinking it loud enough for everyone to hear it if they listened.
I heard Willow gasp, and I watched as Buffy’s face collapsed in on itself, the anger transformed to pain and regret in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t bring myself to play my usual part and make with the big joke that would smooth over all the rough edges. It wasn’t just the hyena that was hurting.
“Riley said you *killed* someone,” Buffy said quietly, and suddenly I understood the pain and the anger. I didn’t appreciate her attitude, but I understood.
“I did, Buffy. At least two that I know of, maybe three. I was defending myself from people who attacked me and hurt me and wanted me dead.” I tried to keep my voice calm, but even I could hear as my voice wavered between anger and pain. "I was defending myself and I was defending Spike, who in case you haven't noticed is one of us with the helping slay and the making of bad jokes." Out of the corner of my eye I caught Spike's movement as he put his mug down quickly and looked at me with wide blue eyes. Yep, I still want you, so you can go to your damn sire and when he kicks you to the curb you can know that you picked him over me. Yeah, too bad I was too big a wuss to say that out loud. I bit my lip to distract one pain with another.
The whole room froze, and I felt the urge to either flee or attack rise up so strongly that the room washed out into now-familiar sepia tones. Buffy gasped and stepped back towards Willow and Tara who moved closer to each other. Right, not one of them any more. Not pack. Message sent and received. I turned around and headed for the door.
“Xander.” Ironically it was Angel who called out my name and managed to sound almost concerned. I stopped at the doorway, but honestly, I was just too pathetic to turn around and look at those faces. If I was about to lose just about everything I had ever loved in the world, I didn’t want to see it. I paused for a moment with my hand on the door and then I opened it and walked out into the night.
“You soddin’ worthless pieces of…” I heard Spike start in, but I didn’t feel like sticking around for him either. He had his sire, and I was finished with playing bottom-boy also-ran. I started running as I let the predator instinct rise up and guide my steps as I chose my hunting ground.
Part Eleven
Before I’d had a chance to consider that hunting alone on a Hellmouth infested with soldier boys was maybe a bad idea, I found myself slowing to a walk in one of the less reputable parts of town. The scent of demons was heavy, and I shook my head to clear it of a particularly acidic odor. Definitely not prey there.
I stopped outside a familiar building and paused for a minute before pushing the door open. Standing in the entrance I could smell demons: several vampires, a half demon, and something that smelled like…chicken? Okay, I know everything is supposed to taste like chicken, but smell? I wonder if… no, not going there, I do not eat demons, I told myself sharply as I walked over to the bar. Most of the patrons had gone silent. Oh yeah, they *thought* they knew me.
“Hey, Xander. Look, people are a little edgy, so now might not be the time.”
“Save it Willy,” I snapped. This is where I belonged now, and given my past, I just had to wait for someone to start a fight. Oh yeah, no doubt any number of demons wanted to eat me after years of helping the slayer thin out their numbers.
“Oh, hey, no serving minors here, I got enough trouble without getting the cops in here.” Willy complained as I took a stool at the bar.
“Don’t push me tonight, Willy.” I allowed my vision to shift so that my eyes would glow inhuman green. Time to let the demon community know they had grown by one primal demon.
“Hey, did you know there’s something wrong with your eyes?” I just growled my response
“Right, I take it you’re checking out life on the other side then. I’d be happy to spring for a drink for the newly turned. So what was it? Demonic spell? Possession? Primal? Vampire? Don’t normally see the green eyes on a vampire, but it could be a new clan.” He had his usual chirpy tone now. That Willy, always ready to roll with the punches. Often literally.
“You looking for information to sell?” I asked as I narrowed my eyes in challenge.
“What? Me? No, this is just my natural curiosity. So what will it be?” I had to think about that one for a moment. I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t know if I could actually drink it without wimping out, and I really didn’t know just how far ‘out’ I intended to be with the rather rough-looking clientele which now eyed me like a piece of dead meat that hadn’t figured out to stop talking yet. Oh yeah, this was going to be a good fight. I was craving it. And since when did I look forward to a fight?
“Blood. Animal, something herbivore if you have it,” I finally ordered.
“Okay, got cow or horse then.”
“Whichever. And throw in some whiskey.” Oh yeah, if I was going for dark and dangerous, I wanted to do it right. Do it James Dean style. Do it without looking like someone let their pet Zeppo out for the night.
“So, slayer find out about this then?” Willy was going for a casual tone as he fetched a glass and polished it showily.
“Yeah.”
“I can bet she’s not thrilled. So her and the witch off trying to find some big cure?” Willy's voice had this false carelessness about it that made me growl softly.
“How much are you planning on selling this information for?" I asked with my own fake causal expression that Willy's wide eyes suggested didn't sound very casual at all.
“What, I’m just being friendly.” Willy held up his hands in surrender, the glass clutched tightly in his sweaty grip.
“How much?” I snarled.
“Geez, you can’t even ask…” I reached out and snagged his collar before dragging him half across the counter. Two vamps behind me started growling and I slid off the stool so I would have room to counterattack if they jumped me from behind.
“Depends," Willy immediately answered, and I could smell the fear. I smiled at knowing that one person in this town now knew to not fuck with me. The smile seemed to disturb Willy because he stuttered out the rest of his answer. "All total with the regulars about $300.”
“Then you can start a tab for me with a $150 credit,” I said as I dropped him. I didn’t turn to look at the vampires, which probably pissed them off even more, but their smell didn’t have that tang that came right before an attack. I had smelled that so many times on patrol with Buffy, but I had somehow ignored my hyena’s help and instead called it some sixth sense developed on the Hellmouth. Really, it wasn’t sixth as much as me actually using one of the five.
“Right, always willing to work a deal with a good customer,” Willy said as he bent down under the counter. I could smell the metallic scent of blood at the same time that I heard the pop of a bottle top. Willy stood up with a glass nearly full of blood and put it on the counter. Reaching to the shelf behind him, he picked up the whiskey and added a healthy shot of it to the blood. “Here ya go.” I took a deep drink and regretted the whiskey almost immediately. That was quite a burn going down, but the thick creamy blood at least soothed the sting and fed the craving that had left me considering chicken flavored demon. Ew.
“So, to answer your questions, I’m a fully integrated primal, Willow and Giles wanted to try to undo this but can’t, and Buffy knows, but she’s taking a hands off approach right now,” I answered when I put the glass down on the counter half empty.
“Yeah, well don’t take that no-stake policy too far, buddy. She’s the slayer, and it’s built into their genes. Of course, this one did have that fling with Angelus, so her demon radar may be whacked enough to let you slide.” I just grunted.
I didn’t think Buffy was a physical danger to me, but just withdrawing her approval had left me shaken. And the way Willow, Tara, and Buffy had instinctively drawn together against me said a lot. It said that I wasn’t one of them in a pretty basic way. And then of course the whole Spike situation. I didn’t even want to think about what it felt like to see Spike submit to his sire. Angel and I were… well, we didn’t care about each other on good days, and on bad days we had the whole mutual homicidal hatred thing going on. If Spike submitted to Angel… I stopped my thoughts before I could reach a natural conclusion there. Yeah, this day had officially sucked worse than normal.
A yellow demon with strange blue eyes walked up to the bar several stools down. Willy went down to fill his drink, and I turned my back to the bar so I could check out the possible opponents. Another drink and I felt ready for the fight. I put my glass down again.
The two vampires I had heard growl still stood near the jukebox in game face. A human-looking but demonic-smelling person sat nursing a beer and trying not to make eye contact. A lumbering demon who actually looked a little like a lumberjack in a plaid shirt with a hat pulled down shading his glowing yellow eyes watched me warily. Right, I was putting money on the vamps.
“Aren’t you the slayer’s puppy dog?” a gravelly voice asked and good thing I didn’t go to Vegas much because Lumberjack was the actual winner coming in by a nose. The two vampires even jumped a little, and I guessed they thought they were going to have a chance to pick a fight with me. Well, it didn’t matter to me since I just wanted to fight and I didn’t care much about who was on the other side of my fists. God, I haven’t ever felt like this, but I had to admit I liked the rush of adrenaline and the feeling of squaring off against something bigger and badder but not nearly as tough as me. And the big bonus: no Willow tears to make me feel helpless.
“I’m not anyone’s puppy,” I growled back as I let my vision go demony again. “I worked with the slayer and spent my evenings staking the worthless vampire population around here, but that’s not the same thing.”
“Traitor,” Lumberjack hissed.
“That assumes that I should feel some loyalty to demons, and that would be a no.” The two vamps moved forward now.
“So you think you can come in here without a slayer to hide behind?” skanky vamp one asked.
“I think I don’t need a slayer for you three,” I answered sweetly. Willy had just started to say something about not starting anything in the bar when the first vamp attacked. It was the clumsy strike of a fledge with a simple lunge intended to take the prey to the ground. Back in LA I had slipped a stake into the back of my stolen pants, and now I slipped it out of my waistband, twisted my body so that the vamp would be thrown to the side, and sunk the wood into his heart in one fluid move. Damn that felt good.
Before skanky vamp two could react, I jumped toward him. Instinctively he backed up, but not fast enough. I slid the stake in without much resistance, and I have to say, disappointed here. That wasn’t a fight; it was an execution.
“You’re going to die,” a deep rumbling voice informed me, and I turned to see Lumberjack shedding his shirt to reveal a total of four thickly muscled brownish arms coming out of a solid, massive body. Okay, might have bitten off more than I could chew, but I did say I wanted a fight. That same acidic odor from outside assaulted my nose as the demon flexed each of the four arms at the same time, and I dropped into a crouch and growled loudly.
Lumberjack tossed a table out of the way; I retreated to the jukebox.
Lumberjack pitched a wooden chair at me, and I dodged as a half hysterical, half hyena laugh broke out. The chair splintered harmlessly against the wall.
Lumberjack growled angrily and lunged across a table. I threw myself to the ground and scrambled under the table only to come up the other side and sink my stake into the back of the demon’s calf before retreating to the middle of the room. And wow, that was one serious bellow the big guy had on him.
Lumberjack snapped up off the table and turned to me with his eyes glowing brightly. I smiled and lowered my head. Off in the distance Willy was blithering on about something, but I ignored him. The sharp odor increased as Lumberjack picked up a chair in his two right arms and made a fist with his two left arms. And really, not looking so much like a lumberjack now. He actually looked more like some monster out of marvel comics, and he smelled like a chemical spill.
“Wow, bathe much?” I sneered and the chair came swinging at me. Using every bit of speed I could muster with all my hyena upgrades, I bounded backwards and threw a chair at the demon’s legs as he stomped after me. The chair collapsed under his tree trunk-looking legs, and I held the stake out in front of me as I retreated. Right, I just remembered that hyenas were pack hunters.
“You’re going to die, traitor,” the demon rumbled, and I made a circuit, ending up back near the jukebox.
“Probably, but I doubt you’ll do it,” I answered, a six inch stake between me and Mr. Stinky. Oh yeah, hyena had short-circuited the brain for sure, ‘cause I wasn’t taking the blame for this bit of stupidity.
The demon lumbered forward, and at the last second I reached down and grabbed the broken chair back. The demon let his weight fall forward towards me. The idiot probably thought I was cringing in horror, but I’d faced bigger and badder even before going all primal-y. I jammed the dull edge of the broken wood into the edge of the juke box and the demon nicely impaled himself on the sharp end as I scrambled away with another cackling laugh.
The demon turned toward me with ooze spurting out of the wound and a gurgling noise from its mouth.
“Traitor,” he said as he stumbled forward. His right arms dropped the chair, and I picked up a bar stool and swung with all my might. The stool connected with the demon’s injured midsection with an unhealthy sounding squish. The demon also caught me by the wrist, and oh shit.
I pulled back, but the demon’s hand tightened to the point that I could almost feel bones crunching against one another. Ignoring the pain, I brought my left leg up and kicked the demon’s injured midsection as hard as I could. My foot not only landed solidly in the center, but broke the skin and now there was thick, yellowish ooze all over my boot. Unfortunately, one of the demon’s left hands caught my foot so that now I was held by my right hand and my left foot and this was becoming a strange upright game of twister.
I grabbed a chair with my free hand, and the demon, who was moving very sluggishly now, brought up one of his two free hands to cover his face. Instead I braced my weight with my arms and brought up my right leg to kick at the injured midsection. I got in a good three kicks before the demon could grab my second leg
Now I knew this had to look funny because I hung limply from the demon’s grip, unable to do much other that punch ineffectively at a leg with my left hand. But the demon was fading quickly. Three of his hands were busy holding me, and he was leaning on the bar with the fourth to keep upright. As the oozing increased to flooding, I used my free hand to push myself away from the demon’s body because oh my god that smelled like the worst stuff I had ever smelled. Probably because it actually was the worst stuff I’d ever smelled, which was saying something, considering all the time I’d spent in sewers lately.
The demon sank to its knees, and my butt made contact with the floor. I scooted away from the growing pool of ooze and waited for the creature to weaken more. Eventually it dropped my right leg and then my left. I got to my feet and pulled my hand free. The creature’s skin was fading to grey, and the stench was overwhelming, which would explain the empty bar, empty except for Willy who stood with a shocked expression on his face.
Without waiting for the creature to actually die, I headed for the door. I felt a hell of a lot better, but I still had some aggression to work out. A visit to one or two cemeteries would help.
“Hey,” Willy cried out when I reached the door. I turned back to look at him. “Who’s going to pay for all this?”
“He is,” I said nodding toward the body which was quickly disintegrating into grey ooze. Outside I started running again, looking for any prey unlucky enough to run into me.
***
I wandered into the park about the time that the horizon started sending tendrils of pinkish gold into the sky. Several dusted vampires and two dead demons later I had definitely worked through the anger, so that all that was left was this pain of being alone, without pack. Yep, that would be hyena logic, but it still hurt just as much.
I watched the false dawn feeling worse than when I’d left Giles’ place. Well, there went that last hope. I remembered when I was about four and I insisted I was going to run away from home. I really wanted my mom to follow me, but instead she stayed inside watching soap operas and I ended up curling up in the front seat of her car. God, I really was pathetic because fifteen years later I just felt like curling up because no one had followed me.
Okay, be honest. I felt like curling up because Spike hadn’t followed me. Shit. Things had looked so good until Angel came back in the picture, and I would really think that the whole hot pokers incident would put that relationship back on ice, but nope. Angel and Spike had closed ranks like *pack* last night. And my own pack… Yeah, so not going there.
I wandered over to the swings and settled in on the rubber seat. The metal S hooks on either side of the seat dug into my hips since I was a bit larger than the standard swing swinger, but I just pushed off. And let gravity pull me forward and back. I gripped the chains and leaned all the way back on the upswing, pointing my toes and throwing my weight. On the downswing I dragged my feet through the sand. Feet? I looked around and realized that the stolen boots had disappeared, which was not of the good in several ways. I guessed that my stuff was all gone so replacement shoes could be a problem, plus there was the whole ‘when the hell did I take off my shoes’ thing. Couldn’t do anything about it now since I didn’t see the boots anywhere in the park.
So, back to swinging and toe dragging through the sand.
“Hey, I thought I’d find you here.” I stuck out my heels and dug them into the sand to stop the swing. Great predator I turned out to be, the slayer comes up behind me and I’m too busy swinging to notice.
“Buffy.” I answered. Noncommittal enough to be both noncommittal and rude.
“You missed a fun night,” she said as she took up a seat on the swing next to mine. I just grunted my noncommittally answer.
“Spike tore us all new ones about how you were the loyal one and we were all ungrateful, and may I say that getting ripped into about friendship by a vampire is a new experience. I don’t think they cover that in watcher training, either.” I looked over at her curiously and she gave me her best wicked smile, the smile she got when she was about to do something really mean to someone we both didn’t like. Usually it meant that she was about to slip a plastic spider into Cordy’s convertible or her specially prepared lunch or her locker.
“Giles got all smarty insulty like. He called Spike puerile and inconsequential and a bunch of other stuff that sounded like it came out of that SAT prep class Mom made me take. Then Spike said it would be worth the headache to eat Giles, and he actually jumped at Giles. Luckily Angel got to Spike before Spike got to Giles.” Oh great. A Spike and Angel story, and wasn’t that was sure to put me in a better mood. I glared at Buffy, but I don’t think she noticed. Either that or I was just so grouchy in general that my glare didn’t look any different from my glance at this point. Buffy started twirling her swing so that the two seat chains wrapped around each other in a spiral.
“Spike and Angel started really tearing into each other and Giles threatened to stake both of them if any more furniture got broken, so they went out on the lawn where things got really interesting. I thought we had Angelus there for a minute because he went all Irish on us and said something about ‘do chirping don dials’ which Giles told me I really didn’t want translated, and he called Spike an ‘amadan’, which Giles said meant ‘idiot’.
“And then it got really, really interesting because one of Giles’ neighbors called the police and Spike and Angel had to run for it because they didn’t want to get in some high speed chase in Angel’s convertible. Well, actually Angel didn’t want to get in a chase, and he had to drag Spike away. Angel ended up calling on his cell phone later and talking to Giles.”
“That must have been a fun conversation,” I said as Buffy pulled up her feet and let her swing twirl her around.
“Yep,” she agreed when the swing stopped. “Giles said that Angel said something about these really dangerous portals, so we’re going to have another meeting tonight.” Buffy fell silent, and I spent the time watching the shadow on the monkey bars float across the slowly moving merry-go-round. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Well, I could, but it wasn’t nice. Besides, part of me felt like Buffy deserved some discomfort for the whole trust comment.
“Xander,” Buffy said in a strained tone, and I turned to look at her. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean any of it.”
“I know,” I said. Well, there went the whole making her suffer plan. Yep, when it comes to the women in my life I am one giant marshmallow, which might make it a good thing that I’ve decided to swing the other thing, no pun intended what with me being on a swing talking about swinging while swinging and that would be a babble. At least the hyena gave me one very handy superpower: keeping my mouth shut while babbling.
“When Riley said you’d killed….” Buffy stopped.
“You went right to the Faith thing,” I finished for her.
“So totally.”
“I’m not proud of killing those guys, but I’m not going to lie about it because I really didn’t have a choice.”
“They were *people*, Xander.”
“Yeah, people who were actively trying to kill and-or capture me. I’m not feeling good about them being dead because they were just soldiers and I know what it’s like to get crappy orders. But they declared this war and they decided I was on the other side, so I’m not going to lose a lot sleep over it.” Okay, that was a lie. I was losing major sleep over it, but I still knew I had done the right thing.
“The Xander I know would have been horrified.”
“I suppose a part of me is, but you have no idea what the Initiative is capable of, and I do, of course I still think I would be suffering nightmares to end all nightmares if I could actually fall asleep,” I admitted. Yeah, so much for being cool and keeping up the tough image.
“Oh, Xander. I am so sorry we believed them. I’m never going to forgive myself for not knowing that you needed help.” Her eyes were big and shiny now with unshed tears. That put me right over the edge from “make her suffer” to “comfort my friend.”
“Xander in distress, slayer to the rescue,” I quipped.
“Well, except when you come to the rescue,” Buffy said and I looked over at her in surprise. I didn’t usually get that kind of support, and I have to say it felt kinda good. Okay, it felt really, really good.
“The imposter—pretty bad?” I asked.
“Oh yeah.” Buffy had that tone of voice that told me that not only did she agree but she was ready to multiply my comment by about a hundred. “He pointed out that we had left him behind and asked him to do things that made it difficult for him to keep a job, and we didn’t even know when he had a job, and he got fired for being late again because he was doing the whole patrol thing because Willow and I were studying. He said that Anya was more interested in having a man to make her feel normal, which she so wasn’t, than she was interesting in actually having a relationship. And he said that he wasn’t going to spend his life putting his life on hold for the rest of us. It was pretty harsh.”
“Ouch.” I said. I wanted to say things like ‘no duh’ and ‘you just now figured this one out?’ but I limited myself to saying ‘ouch’ and thinking all the other things without saying them. I wondered if that was Oz’s trick. Maybe my inner hyena had taken secret lessons from his inner wolf when I wasn't watching.
“Like I said, oh yeah,” she said sadly. And there was the silence again. I never understood that song about silence echoing, but I could believe it. Usually silence with the Scoobies was this comfortable thing where we were all tired and relaxed and recouping from major demon poundage. Now I could hear the silence in a not so good way.
“Riley never showed up,” Buffy said quietly. I was about to go into my standard Riley abuse when her tone of voice registered.
“Was he supposed to?” I asked just as quietly, and she stopped twirling her swing so that her back was to me. Oh boy, hiding feelings was never of the good.
“He said he had made emergency plans with a friend in the Initiative, another soldier named Graham. He said he’d sent a signal and Graham would give him a ride back to Sunnydale and drop him off at Giles. He even used a secure Internet line he’d set up with Willow so no one could track him.”
“But they tracked him anyway.”
“I think so. If they know that he helped you escape…”
“He’s in serious shit.” I finished.
“I’m not sorry he helped you; he did the right thing getting you out, but I can’t just leave him in there. And now I’m feeling even worse because I *did* leave you in there.” Buffy swung her seat around and I could see stress and pain that would have looked natural on a 60 year old survivor of the civil war in Ethiopia.
“I don’t blame you,” I said, and I honestly meant it. “I just want you to accept me like I am now. And while I still think Riley is a jerk with funny hair, I will help you get him out,” I finished. She graced me with one of those smiles that still lit the world even if she wasn’t my whole world anymore.
“Maybe he is a little too into rules,” she said as she wrinkled her nose in disgust. “But the hair is a low blow, mister.” Buffy backhanded me gently and the world suddenly seemed a much brighter place. Of course sunrise might have had something to do with that too. Now I just had to break it to her that I was gay… or bi maybe… and lusting after a vampire… and kinky… and depending on what had happened when Spike and Angel ran for it, this just might be a moot point. I thought of how they’d drawn together in the face of the Scoobies’ hostility, and I had to wonder whether by submitting to Angel, Spike wasn’t trying to send me some sort of message. Right- one disaster at a time, and Riley had moved to the front of the line.
Damn. There were days I hated being the white knight.
Part Twelve
"Earthquake?" Buffy asked as she bit her lip. I gave her credit for suggesting it seeing as how she hated earthquakes, but even I thought that was going a little too far.
"Fire!" Willow excitedly threw in, "We always have fires around here, or maybe a mudslide. That would be good." Willow actually bounced a bit on the couch where she sat next to Tara. Willow was a little too into the creating a natural disaster scenario; there were days I worried about that girl. Tara just smiled and patted her on the arm as though she’d said something cute, and Willow must have gotten the point because she ducked her head.
"A flood would make them evacuate." I pointed out.
"And drown every loser in this part of the state. Still say we should blow up the bloody building with them in it." Spike's words weren't any different from hateful things he'd said a thousand times before, but now part of me wanted to fold in on myself as he rejected me again and another part wanted to rip his head off for basically calling me stupid in front of the whole pack… group… whatever.
"Spike." Angel's warning voice took on a deeper tone since this was at least the fourth time he'd had to threaten Spike for saying the same damn thing.
"Yeah, Spike," I growled in support of Angel. Hey, wait, I'm not supposed to be supporting Angel. Spike narrowed his eyes at me and I just glared right back. Yeah, exactly why were you and your sire an hour late to the meeting, idiot vampire of mine? I would have asked that out loud only I really didn't want to know the answer. And yes, he clearly wasn't mine, but the inner hyena still wanted to make a claim.
"Please let's stay on topic," Giles sighed unhappily. "We need a way to get the Initiative people out of the Initiative building."
"I still like fire," Willow almost whispered.
"Without destroying the town that's built over their facility," Giles amended himself. The man stood leaning against the wall polishing his glasses with his eyes totally unfocused. I suspected that I was the one he really didn't want to see. Ever since I showed up a good hour before the Aurelius twins, he had looked at everything but me as I wandered the room waiting for the idiot vampires. Now that the whole gang had finally shown up, he didn't have to look at me at all. Eventually I just settled on a corner of Giles' desk. I turned away from Giles who still had that unfocused look and glared at Spike who spent a fair amount of time glaring back.
"Maybe fake some sort of nuclear emergency?" Buffy said with even more gnawing at her lip. I said it before and I'll say it again: I love her dearly but she can say some pretty stupid stuff.
"I'd like to avoid glowing in the dark, personally," I threw in at that point.
"Lot easier to hide that way, innit?" Spike drawled and I looked over to see a vicious grin on his face.
"I don't know. You have a lot of experience with hiding since every demon on the Hellmouth wants you dead, what's your take on it?" I shot right back. A little part of me curled up and whimpered and just wanted to crawl into a corner, and in the past that part probably would have made me find a dark corner, but now my anger overrode that inner Zeppo.
"But then again, flooding could be of the good if it was a rising water table kinda thingy with the water rising instead of flooding from above, right guys?" Willow babbled as she stood and 'accidentally' backed up so that she blocked my view of Spike. I gave a short snappy growl and she darted back to Tara. Shit. I took a deep breath in the silence of the room.
"Um, yeah, rising water would work," I offered her with my best smile, trying to undo the damage I'd done by growling at her. She stood in the circle of Tara's arms and looked at me with those wide eyes and I felt about two inches high… again. I heard Spike snort, but the sight of Willow's wide eyes sort of short circuited the hyena need to beat the shit out of Spike.
"I'm not sure the base would actually flood," Giles said, and military specs and building codes flashed through my mind courtesy of my soldier.
"You'd have to use some C-4 to crack the foundation in one or two spots to compromise the integrity of the subbasements so that the flood would cause the utilities to shut down. If you did it in an unused section of the building a controlled explosion might be mistaken for a small earth tremor." I said without interrupting my current glare at Spike. The room went silent again, and when I looked around everyone was looking at me. "Hey, soldier memories, remember? Rocket launcher, security codes, ordinance specs?"
"Yes, indeed," Giles added, and I really wondered when Giles was going to put his glasses *on* since they'd been off and his hands had been polishing since I had shown up with Buffy, oh I don't know, an HOUR before Spike and Angel.
"Can you do that?" Angel asked me, and I stomped down on another growl.
"I know where to steal some shape charges," I said hesitantly, not that I was hesitant about stealing from the base since the hyena upgrades meant that I could pretty well ignore their security. I had other concerns though. "The problem is that shape charges are designed to go *on* the wall, which means being *in* the Initiative."
Okay, call me a coward, but I really wasn't anxious to go back in there, and as much as I hated to admit it, I was even unhappier about the thought of Spike in there. His leash might be longer, but the fact is that he still got hurt when he hurt humans. I wasn't sure how much it would damage him if he actually killed someone, but in the Initiative there were plenty of chances for him to find that out firsthand.
And I think I was losing my mind because I was concerned about Spike getting hurt when quite frankly I wanted to do some serious hurting of Spike myself. Of course, I also told myself that it was pretty reasonable for Spike to get back with Angel since Angel had the big hotel and the fancy car and the broad shoulder, and who am I kidding, I was just not a big enough person to see those two together without feeling jealousy and anger tear through me. I thought I'd known envy when Cordy had gone macking on that guy, but that was a little breeze of jealousy compared to the typhoon I felt right now.
"Oh goddess, that's not good." Willow sighed, and I had to do some quick thinking to catch up with the conversation about the shape charges because hello, distracted much?
"B-but the charges would work from either side of the wall?" Tara asked hesitantly, and I could have kissed the girl.
"We could plant them on the outside of the wall," I finished for her, and she smiled her approval. That girl was a real looker when she smiled. "That is, if we could tunnel though several hundred feet of solid rock and dirt," I finished and her smile slowly faded. "Please tell me there's some magic solution because I so do not want to dig for the next six months." Tara ducked her head slightly.
"We could move the dirt with a spell that speeds up the molecular activity," Willow started with lots of Willow excitement, but then her words trailed off. "But that would kinda be a really big explosion that would make the whole secret operation a little unsecret. Moving that much mass in a controlled reaction would be really, really hard."
"But with the coven…" Tara said quietly, and yep, there went Willow's resolve face. The minute Tara made any suggestion, Willow was going to find a way to make it happen, and I wondered if that was one reason why Tara was so quiet because honestly, Willow could be a little scary in these resolve moments.
"I have a better suggestion," Angel broke in. "Tarhul demons." I turned and gave Angel my best 'huh?' expression.
"I'm not sure that's wise." Giles broke in at that point.
"They can move the earth quickly and quietly. The Initiative won't even notice.”
"They are notoriously unreliable."
"I know how to handle Tarhul."
"The way you knew how to handle primals?" Giles snapped back, and someone was going to get an ulcer over this, and I was beginning to think it was going to be me.
"I'm going with Giles on the not trusting demons part, but what are Tarhul?" Buffy asked Angel, and I couldn't catch myself before I flinched. Even worse, Angel caught it. Great. Nothing like showing your sensitive underbelly around the enemy. Well I should have known that it wasn't going to be easy to get the Scoobies to just overlook the whole “Xander as a demon” groove I had going on. God, I really was a demon. Of course the whole kicking demon ass thing was a hint since the non-demon me was more of the kickee than the kicker, but I rolled that idea around in my head a few times. Xander, demon; demon, Xander. Nope, it still sounded wrong.
"They carve out subterranean living spaces and live in clans," Angel explained
"And they are infamous for turning on anyone who trusts them," Giles injected.
"I've worked with them before, and I don't trust them. However, if I challenge a few of them and win some fights I can earn their respect. I think they'll do this."
"Ya mean we'll do it. I owe the bloody wankers, and the Tarhul understand revenge," Spike added, and my vision shifted again. Riiiight, you just want to go with your sire out of revenge as opposed to feeling loyalty to the sire. Not all the wankers in Sunnydale were in the Initiative.
"I'm in too," I added, and again with the everyone looking at me like I had lost my mind.
"I hardly think Angel will need your assistance." Giles said tartly as he finally slipped his glasses back on and gave me an 'oh, please' expression.
"I'm going." I crossed my arms and looked from Giles to Angel to Buffy who all stared at me blankly. Finally Angel cracked.
"These are dangerous demons, Xander. They believe in a code of single combat and if you offend one of them I can't protect you."
"IF?" Buffy snorted. I glared at her.
"I can take care of myself, and if you don't believe me, call Willy." I said back rather smugly.
"Right, ya got a real good track record on that front," Spike threw in. My hands clenched and my insecurity about the apparent lack of acceptance got washed aside by a burning rage at Spike calling me weak. If he thought Angel was stronger than me, I couldn’t do a hell of a lot about that since there was the whole Angel actually being stronger than me thing, but I'd already proved myself with Spike. I'd proved myself and I'd earned his respect even if I wasn't going to have his submission.
"And you're doing really well yourself. Got captured by the Initiative what? Twice? Seems like last time *I* had to save *you*," I snapped at him.
"Only bloody in there because of you lot," Spike snarled back as his eyes started turning yellow.
"Well if we're so much trouble you're welcome to leave," I snapped right back even though I had no idea what I was going to do if he took me up on that threat. The fight didn't feel the same this time. In Caritas our fight had been vicious and biting and utterly hot. I wanted to tear Spike's clothes off and push him over the bar. Now, as he stood next to Angel, I just wanted to tear him apart, punish him for choosing Angel over me just like Buffy had, just like Cordy had, just like… okay, I was out of 'just likes' but I wasn't out of blinding anger.
"Spike, I'm thinking Xander's right. We really don't need you here for this; it's not like you can fight the soldiers," Buffy added as she got up and stood beside me.
"Not walkin' out in the middle of a fight," Spike snarled, and I suddenly wasn't sure which fight he meant: the Initiative or me.
"Oh that's right," I quipped with an evil smile of my own. "I forgot, it's everyone else that walks out on you, isn't it?" I said, and the minute the words were out of my mouth I wanted to take them back. Spike's face flashed an expression of pure pain and then he went into game face, his lip pulled up to reveal his white fangs as he snarled hatefully.
"Xander LaVelle Harris!" Willow squeaked, and great, Willow decided to side with the vampire rather than the best friend who's verbally torturing that vampire.
"You soddin' little… " Spike lunged at me, and Angel caught him around his waist just in time to send both of them crashing the floor in an undignified heap. I whirled away from the desk snarling, my own hyena spirit coming to the fore.
"And Riley thought they were flirting? He's been in the military way too long," I heard Buffy say, but I was busy growling at Spike as Angel fought to keep Spike on the floor and Giles yelled something about broken furniture and angry neighbors and leases.
"Enough!" Angel practically roared as he got an arm around Spike's neck. Angel struggled to his feet while using his hold to keep Spike in front of him, kneeling on the floor. Spike gave a few more yanks before settling back into his human features and sitting back on his heels. He pushed at Angel's arm again, and this time Angel stepped back as Spike got to his feet, but Angel's hand landed on Spike's shoulder holding him in place. Please, it's not like I couldn't take care of myself against Spike.
"Bloody wanker," he snapped at me as I continued to growl at him. He'd chosen Angel; he'd submitted to Angel. A person couldn't be in two packs at once.
"Angel, maybe you being here is a mistake. I know you want to help, but the Initiative is our problem so why don't you just take Captain Peroxide back to L.A. with you," Buffy suggested with her arms crossed over her chest in the 'I am Slayer' pose. I couldn't even figure out how to respond to that because on the surface I’m sure she was trying to help what with the whole Spike trying to kill me thing going on, but I needed something from Spike, even if it was just him saying 'piss off.'
"We need help with this," I said weakly, aware of just how pathetic that must have sounded considering the Initiative was just a pimple on the ass of someone of the bad guys we'd faced. From the expression of disbelief on Giles' face, pathetic didn't cover it.
"I think we can handle this one; you are the one always pointing out the problems Spike tends to cause."
"Well, he is a pain in the ass—" Spike interrupted me with a loud growl
"Really Spike, I would remind you that you can't hurt humans, so no matter how much you threaten, your behavior is not intimidating." Yeah, some days Giles missed the train right along with Buffy.
"He's not human now, is he?" Spike asked silkily, flashing me a grin that promised a rematch later. It felt like the temperature in the room dropped several degrees as I realized that Spike wasn't playing.
"Giles, we need help, and I'm going with Spike and Angel to make sure they don't do anything weird."
"Okay, that's vaguely fox and chickenhousish," Buffy commented with raised eyebrows, and I tried giving her a 'who me' expression of complete normalcy, but she just continued looking at me with raised eyebrows while Giles sighed and took the glasses off again even though he continued to look at me.
"I'm going to go try and find the Tarhul clan that lived here before I left for L.A." Angel said, no doubt anxious to get away from the group since even I could smell the sharp scent of aggression gathering in the small room. Angel closed his hand around Spike's arm and started pulling him toward the door while Spike resisted at every step, continuing to sneer at me until Angel physically took him by the shoulders and turned him toward the door.
"I'm going with you," I said, pushing past Giles who stood looking at me as though he'd never seen me before. Maybe it was just now sinking in with him that things had changed. I wasn't the same Xander, or at least I didn't have the same Xander instincts because I was not letting Spike walk away. We needed to get this settled because I was stuck somewhere between wanting to kill Angel and take Spike and wanting to kill Spike and walk away from Angel, and this was not a good place to be.
"Um, maybe you should stay here," Willow suggested.
"Oh he should definitely stay here," Buffy added. I ignored both of them as I continued walking toward the door in the wake of Angel and Spike.
"It's fine; I won't let them kill each other," Angel called out and I had to suppress a growl at Angel's attitude, but he was busy pulling Spike to the car so I don't think he even noticed my anger. It was time to take care of this one way or the other. Part of me actually regretted that Angel had his soul because I had a strong suspicion that the way it was going to end was with me walking home alone. Angelus would have been kinder.