Learning Curve
Rated ADULT
Sexual Content

Jim/Blair, Xander/Spike
Chapters 16- 20

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Chapter 16

"This is as close as I can get us," Jim said as he pushed open the truck door. The night was still dark, but he left the driver's side door open so the light spilled out into a circle. Xander could see the tree trunks all around the road which had turned into off-road a good mile back. The light didn't reach far, so the trees simply faded into the dark, giving Xander the impression of being surrounded by tree-giants.

"Thank god. I think my ass died somewhere back near the gas station with the fine selection of guns-as-art lithographs," Xander said as he stood. The minute the sun had set, Spike had come out from under the sun-proof tarp and pulled him into his lap, so Xander hadn't taken as much of a pounding as he could have, but he still hurt. Spike's hands steadied him as he struggled to his feet and tried to get the circulation back.

"Sorry about that, Sport," Jim said as he came around to the back and dropped the tailgate. "You could ride up with us you know."

"Yeah? Well you could bloody ride back here for a spell," Spike snapped as he bounded up with way more grace than Xander could manage after a few hours of getting banged around in the back of a truck.

"It's my truck," Jim just about growled back. If Xander didn't know the Sentinel was human, he would have been checking for fangs after a growl like that.

"Man, check the testosterone at the door," Blair broke in. "Xander, could you throw that backpack down here, please."

"Um, which one?" Xander asked as he checked out the back of Jim's old truck. He'd been planning to hike in, find Riley, and hike out, but his idea of hiking included a couple of Twinkies and a bottle of water. He was fairly sure the others had packed everything including the kitchen sink into four enormous backpacks that looked like something people climbing Mount Everest might carry. Big, huge Everest-climbing people, and Xander was pretty sure he didn't fit into that category.

"The school backpack. I need to grab a notebook out of there before we take off."

Xander found the only small bag in the back of the truck and tossed it out.

"You plannin' on stopping to take notes?" Spike demanded as he grabbed one of the hiking packs and threw it down at Jim with way more viciousness that really necessary; however, Jim quickly stepped back so that it thunked to the ground. Xander put an elbow in Spike's side, but Spike just grinned and snaked his own arm around Xander's waist, pulling him close.

"Very mature," Jim said sarcastically as he reached in and grabbed a second backpack for himself.

"Wot? Sometimes it's just hard to remember how weak you humans are," Spike offered with a shrug.

"Hey! Human here," Xander protested loudly.

"Yeah, but you've been off demon hunting about as long as you could walk, haven't ya? Besides, you're a Shaman."

"And Jim's a Sentinel," Blair pointed out as he jumped into the back of the truck.

"No bloody comparing them, mate. A Shaman has real power; a Sentinel's just one more human with better senses."

"And prophetic dreams and an ability to see ghosts and instincts that obviously tap a whole section of the brain that normally isn't accessible," Blair pointed out.

"He's still a human," Spike announced as he jumped from the truck, the largest backpack in hand.

"A group I'm proud to be in," Jim said without much emotion. "I'm rather enamored of humanity and humans."

Spike snorted. Oh yeah, this was going to be just so much fun. Xander zipped up his jacket. Despite the fact it was summer, it was chilly with the sun down.

"Right, well I'm not here for the fresh air, mate. Let's get this over with."

"Um, small problem Spike. I have extra Hellmouthy vision, not extra good vision, and it's a little dark out here," Xander pointed out, especially since the Spike voice seemed to be coming from the darkness. Two yellow eyes blinked into existence from the direction of Spike's voice. Xander jumped down from the back of the truck and took one of the two smaller packs and slung it over his shoulder, and suddenly he was sorry he had given up construction because he could use some construction muscles right about now.

"I won't let ya trip, pet. Just grab my arm and hold on until the moon comes up."

"I'll help Blair," Jim commented.

"Don't bloody care," Spike quickly answered. Xander had reached Spike's side, so he promptly put an elbow in his vampire's side again. It never worked to actually stop Spike from saying the rude, but Xander did keep hoping his vampire would get a clue.

"Oi, watch the goods, pet. It'd be a shame ta have to spank you in front of your mates." Even without enough light to really see Spike's face, Xander could tell a smirk when he heard one. Xander lost all words, choking in shock and glad the darkness hid his blush. From the heat that suddenly gathered in his face, Xander was guessing he had a good lobster impression going.

"Breathe, Sport," Jim suggested. "So the map shows a deep ravine to the south. I'd like to head through it because going around will add a full day to the hike, but I don't know if you two can keep up on a rough hike."

"Oi! I can run bloody circles around you."

"Yeah, but I think he was going for being polite while still asking if I planned on passing out from fatigue," Xander guessed, which was fair with Jim being a Ranger, a big, seriously impressive Ranger and Xander being... not.

"He'll handle anything your fuzzy little mutt can handle," Spike snapped back.

"Blair has hiked some of the roughest terrain in the U.S. and South America."

"Hey! Hey, absolutely no turning on each other!" Blair's voice interrupted just as Spike took a breath to really let Jim have it. Xander looked toward the truck where a Blair-sized shadow had stepped in front of the Jim-sized shadow. "I'm freaking about demons, about being in the woods with demons, about secret government projects and covert soldiers. So, can we please not add more to the potential weirdness of this moment with your testosterone poisoning?"

"Way too much with the freak-worthy," Xander quickly agreed. "But," Xander added as he opened his vision, "I can safely say we are not in imminent danger of being demon snacks."

"Are you sure?" Blair asked. Xander could feel the snarl reverberating through Spike's body.

"Big with the sure. I can kinda see life force now, which is handy for demonic hide and seek, and hopefully for hide and seek of the soldierly kind," Xander quickly added before Spike could say something totally and completely inappropriate, especially since he was a good 95 percent sure Blair had said that out of fear of the demony bad guys and not doubt of Shamanic powers. He blinked away the vision.

"Cool. Man, that is so much more awesome than my decidedly less obvious powers." Blair's voice had the sound of genuine admiration, and for a second, Xander wasn't sure what to say.

"Right then. Are we going or are we just going to pitch the tent here and wait for Captain Cardboard to wander by?" Spike interrupted. Without a word, Jim walked into the light spilling out of the truck's cab, and slammed the door. Immediately, the night was so dark that the circle of stars directly above them seemed impossibly large, at least to someone who had grown up in the smog of California. But then again, Xander remembered the stars looking that large in Africa… at least when he was out in the countryside and not in some dirty city with smoke clinging to the squat buildings and beggars brushing against his legs.

"South it is. If you guys are having trouble, just let me know," Jim suggested, the voice heading past then, and Xander thought he could see darker shadows in shadow walk in front.

"Stop annoying the vampire," Blair hissed and Spike started walking after the pair. Clinging to Spike's arm, Xander took the first steps into the dark just praying that Spike had put his sense of humor away. He really didn't want to end up face-first in the mud. For a long time, they walked silently through the darkness. The moon peeked over the treetops when Blair finally broke the silence.

"Seeing life force… totally cool. When did that start happening?"

"Um…" Xander thought back. "I sort of started when you guys asked me to track specific people. Only the more I tried to explain to Spike what I was doing with my powers, the more the things I started actually seeing. It was like I could see the Hellmouthy vibe I only felt with you guys, but then I started noticing that everyone had a vibe, but not everyone's vibe was Hellmouthy, which is probably because not everyone is big with the evil."

"And now you can *see* anyone's vibe?"

"Everyone has this soul cord that's wrapped inside and when they walk, it's like threads that drag behind them," Xander agreed. He blinked away the darkness and suddenly bright cords lit the night. Ahead, two cords twined: burgundy flashing with gold tangled with a greenish-tan. Christmas colors… sorta. They weren't actually the really bright red and green of Christmas decorations, more the softer designer colors Willow had brought home on strips of paper when her and the baby slayers had obsessed over repainting the whole house. "When Spike started asking me to talk about it, I guess I just started seeing more and more."

"Oh, wow. Xander, do you know what that means?"

"I'm thinking no," Xander answered. Spike's hand stopped him and then carefully led him around something. Xander's eyes had adjusted enough so that he could see a big mass that was either a hunched over bear or a broken tree stump.

"Man, it's called activity theory. Activity theory says that the human consciousness and human activity are related, so what you do affects how you think, and how you think affects what you do."

Spike snorted. "Sounds pretty obvious. If ya think soldiers are annoying gits, you snap their necks. If ya let yourself get twisted 'round some human finger, you go and rescue their sorry arses from the middle of nowhere."

"Well, yeah," Blair answered, sounding a little taken aback by Spike's blunt comment. Xander already knew that Spike was doing this for Buffy and that part of him would rather eat Riley than rescue him, but Blair was obviously still figuring out just how much of a vampire Spike was. Blair took a deep breath. "But it's not just about how we think affecting our actions. Activity theory says it works both ways. In fact, Vygotsky called language one of the artifacts, one of the tools that we use to understand the world. As the language, the tool we use to understand the world, becomes more precise, our understanding becomes more accurate. So, Xander, by trying to describe what you see, you're teaching yourself to understand your powers."

"Wait," Spike said, sounding suddenly interested. "The more he talks about what he sees, the more power he has over it?"

"Basically, yeah," Blair agreed. "Ancient cultures always believed that naming something gave power over it. Some Native American tribes believed that you should never give your name to anyone who you couldn't trust to hold it sacred, and more than one religious group believes that to say God's name is a sin because it's an attempt to understand or take the power of God. Vygotsky really is a sort of modern variation on that, only he believes that language is the tool you use to define your world, to understand whatever subject you're attempting to comprehend. It's called defining the praxis."

"Spike, don't get Blair started. Unless you want his two hour lecture on language and power, just nod and ignore him," Jim advised. From the grunt that followed, Blair's elbow found Jim's stomach.

"Oh man, you are totally missing the point here," Blair complained.

"Oi, don't bloody care to listen to some rot from you, but if it helps Xander get control of his powers, I bloody well want him describing them as much as he can. So, get on with it, pet," Spike ordered with a little squeeze on Xander's arm.

"Um, get on with what?" Xander asked.

"Like the little fuzzy Shaman said, get on with the talkin'."

"Uh…" Xander blanked as he realized he really didn't have anything to say. "Did you see the Jags' last game?" he improvised.

"Bloody—" Spike cut himself off. "Talk about the Shaman shite." Okay, that was Spike's cranky voice.

"Okay. Um, people have cords, and they kind of trail behind like long tails or like those dotted lines in comics that show you where someone has walked."

"So you can track?" Jim broke in. "How far behind a person does this line trail?"

"Yeah, and I'm not sure. Back in London, I tracked a demon across a couple of fields—" Xander could feel the vibration start as Spike's low-level growl reminded him just how cranky his vampire was about that particular side-trip. "And I'm not going to finish that story because I went out without anyone to really back me up seeing as how the girls don't really understand the Shaman stuff, and at the time they were still in the 'Xander's eye got mojoed' phase so they didn't think I even was a Shaman."

"Xander." Jim's voice came out calm, but Xander could still hear something lurking just under the calm. Suddenly Spike pulled him to a stop, and Xander could see the faint outline of Jim right in front of them. "You went out without backup?" he asked. Xander suddenly felt exposed. He remembered the disappointment and anger on Spike's face, and now he could imagine a similar expression on Jim's, only with all the darkness, Jim and Spike could look at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world, and Xander really couldn't see them at all.

"I thought I had backup. I mean, the girls have been backing me up for years… or I was backing them up since they sort of did more of the front-line fighting, but I had someone with me," Xander defended himself.

"The twits bloody lied to me ta get me out of the way, and then they dragged his arse out after a demon they couldn't even identify, all to try and prove he was wrong about bein' a Shaman. Only, the boy proved them right and nearly got eaten in the process."

"Xander, are you okay?" Blair asked as he stepped forward and put a hand on the arm Spike wasn't holding.

"Hey, no problems. And there was absolutely no almost-eating. Some getting tossed around like a rag doll and heaving ground, yeah, but no almost-eating. Look, it was stupid, Spike was all big with the cranky, and I'm not doing that again."

"Sport," Jim sighed, and again with the emotion right under the surface.

"Okay, hey, I get it. I have the soldier memories, so I know all about not going into the field with a team if you don't know their abilities. I just had a moment of stupidity there," Xander held up his hands in surrender. "Geez, you guys are pushy."

"He's right," Blair agreed before he turned back to Jim. "Xander's an adult, so if he wants to make bad choices—"

"He's bloody well never going to again. He's not getting himself killed because those gits pulled some guilt trip," Spike interrupted, and then they were all hiking again. "Go on then, tell the fuzzy Shaman about what you see."

"The name is Blair." Ahead of them, Blair complained softly.

Feeling Spike's hand twitch on his arm, Xander suddenly understood Spike's obsession with insulting Blair. "Spike does that to Angel too, calling him Sweetcheeks and Peaches when Angel is this two or three hundred year old bad-ass, depending on whether you count his century in hell, so don't take the fuzzy, little thing too seriously from him," Xander suggested.

"Just talk about the Shaman shite," Spike growled. Yep, he'd totally nailed his vampire, Xander realized.

"Okay, geez." Xander blinked into Shamanic vision, and the cords cast an odd glow over the world so that he could see the trees more clearly, only they were faded and almost wavy as the colors in the soul cords around him pulsed, casting ever-changing light against the shadows.

"I'm guessing Jim is the burgundy gold. The only other people I've seen who had gold in their soul cord are slayers, so hey, Willow's whole theory about Sentinels and Slayers being related might be right. Well, either that or the colors don't actually mean anything, I haven't actually figured that part out yet."

"Different people have different colors? Oh man, when we stop, we have to journal all this. Xander, have you written down any of your observations?"

"I'm not really big for taking notes. I almost failed history for that very reason. But Tara, this girl who used to help us and who was really good with magic, she could see auras, and she said everyone's aura had a slightly different color, so it makes sense that the soul cords are colors. Spike is reddish too, almost the same burgundy color as Jim, but his cord is darker and it sometimes flashes with dark green, and when he gets angry, it turns black like other demons' cords. And Spike has a second cord, and it's more of a brown with bits of blue, which is his soul."

"Oh man. This is… this is wild. What about me?"

"You have this muted green cord with lots of tan in it."

"What do you have?" Blair asked, excited.

"I don't know. I can't see my own," Xander shrugged into the darkness.

"Whoa. How could the others just dismiss this? Man, lots of people claim to see auras, but this is so specific. There has to be a connection between the color and the meaning. It's all symbolic, and like Vygotsky said, language and symbols are just ways to define the world. What do you think Jim and Spike have in common?"

"Back up, Chief. I don't have anything in common with him. As soon as possible, I hope to not even have a country in common with him," Jim immediately broke in. The moon was up far enough that Xander could see Jim turn his head to glare at Blair.

"They're both way overprotective," Xander quickly pointed out.

"Theory one… this red color is associated with being big, overbearing mother hens. It's a place to start," Blair said cheerfully.

"Bloody hell, you take that back," Spike demanded.

"Oh please. You're as bad as Jim. I bet you heat the chicken soup the second Xander gets the sniffles," Blair snorted.

"Have not."

"Either you're lying, which wouldn't be out of character for a demon, or Xander hasn't gotten the sniffles yet," Blair said confidently. Spike didn't have an answer for that one.

"Okay, Xander. Let's go through the other colors and see if we can start figuring out what your brain is trying to tell you. I bet before we get back to Cascade, we can come up with a dozen tests to check out our hypotheses. Oh man, this is exciting. Naomi would be so stoked. Auras and Shamen are right up her alley. So, let's start with Willow. What colors do you see in her cord?"

Starting with Willow and moving through every one of the Slayers, Xander described all the soul-cords he'd seen. Long after the moon had risen and then sunk back down under the trees, he was explaining everything he knew about his vision while Blair let out a steady stream of "uh-huh's" and "oh man's."

Chapter 17

Laying on a slab of rock so that his head was in the shade of a large tree and the rest of his body was in the sun, Xander watched Jim and Blair have an animated discussion with lots of finger poking and not-happy faces. He couldn't hear a word. Even though Spike was in the sun-proof tent even farther away, he could probably catch every word of it. The problem was that Spike probably didn't care enough to eavesdrop and Xander was way too tired to actually get up, go to the tent and ask Spike to listen. Nope, call him Xand the noodle-legged man because his muscles had rolled up and gone home for the day. His hurts hurt.

Even worse, Xander suspected that the fight on the far side of the clearing had something to do with the mission, which Xander had dropped on their door, or the fact that Xander had picked a vampire who was going out of his way to prove his assholiness, emphasis on the ass and not the holiness.

Jim poked his finger into Blair's chest, and Blair threw his hands up in surrender and turned his back, flipping Jim the bird as he turned. For a second, Xander thought Jim was going to grab his guide, but then he just turned and stomped into the trees. Yep, good vibes all 'round.

"Hey, Xander," Blair called as he walked over and dropped down on the rock Xander had chosen. "Okay, so let's go over all the colors and make sure I have them recorded right," Blair said as he flipped open his notebook and balanced it on one knee.

"Are you and Jim okay?" Xander asked as he stared at the spot where Jim had disappeared into the trees.

"Totally. Man, he just gets his alpha going sometimes."

"He looked pissed."

"He can deny it all he wants, but he is a total mother hen. He doesn't want me near Spike, so I promised him that I would stay close the second the sun set and avoid your tent during the day. He'll calm down…. Eventually."

"I didn't mean for this to… you know," Xander waved a vague hand between Blair and the spot where Jim had disappeared into the woods.

"Hey, no problem. He just likes hearing himself yell sometimes. It doesn't mean anything." Blair looked over at him. "Really," he finally added. It didn't really ease Xander's guilt that much. "So, what's up with Spike. I mean, I assume he's not always so…"

"Assholy?" Xander supplied. That made Blair laugh. "Man, I was going to say defensive."

"No, asshole covers it better, and he is so going to spank me when I go in there," Xander said eyeing the tent.

"Hey, as long as you consent," Blair shrugged. Xander's brain stuttered for a second, not quite catching up to the lack of condemnation.

"I could veto a spanking… probably. The bad think about vamp senses is that he knows when I don't actually mean what I'm saying but I'm saying it because I think I should."

"Oh man, I hear you. Some kinks are a little embarrassing, and having a partner who can sniff your interest is a little hard on the ego sometimes," Blair nodded. Xander didn't answer, and silence intruded between them. Blair eventually started writing in his notebook as Xander lay and stared up at the trees.

"Spike doesn't like that you're a Shaman," Xander offered softly. It felt weirdly backstabee to talk about Spike, but it wasn't like he was talking behind Spike's back because he was definitely sitting in the tent eavesdropping.

"I thought he was taking advantage of the fact, not that I have a problem with that. I'm down with being taken advantage of here," he laughed with a wink. "You know I want to help you if I can."

"I get the feeling the Shaman stuff is bigger than I understand. I mean, Spike, he totally does the demeaning nicknames when he's uncomfortable, and I haven't seen him use so many insults since he got rid of the chip. I mean, chipped Spike was big with the insults... some of which didn't even make a whole lot of sense what with the weird British talk. But old Spike just ate people who wigged him out, and new Spike doesn't usually get wigged, well, except for Angel, but like I said, he uses every girly name in the book on Angel."

Blair nodded slowly. "The mutt comments are putting Jim a little on edge. He can claim that it doesn't bother him all he wants, but the fact is that he takes the role of protector pretty seriously. However, I can see Spike's point. Jim and I talked after you guys left last time, and there have been plenty of times when I talked my way out of something that really… it shouldn't have worked. Man, I so should have been dead a half-dozen times over, but I talked someone into waiting or just tying me up or hesitating for that second that it took Jim to get there."

Xander rolled to his side and looked at Blair in confusion. "Um, not connecting the dots here."

"I convinced international thieves I was a wheel man, the son of some die-hard rum-runner. I'm not sure, but if Spike's right, I'm willing to bet that I was using some of my mojo on them."

Xander waited for the punchline.

"They didn't want to get tricked, but if Spike's right, I can override a person's common sense. I can 'teach' them to believe things that are so not in their best interests, and yeah, I'm using that to help the police but…" Blair let his words trail off.

"Manipulativesville, here you come," Xander finished. "You're powerful in the ways of the force, Obi Wan."

"Totally. Man, a con man would be raking in the dough. So, I can see where Spike might be uncomfortable with me. But he gets cranky, and then Jim gets even more uncomfortable because talking fast is no match for superhuman strength and big damn teeth. And I don't mind telling you, I do not want to end up getting eaten like the grandmother in the fairy tale."

Immediately Xander started shaking his head. "Spike blusters, but he would never… okay, he totally would kill someone, but not without good reason. He has a soul, and unlike a lot of people I've met, he uses his. He'd never hurt you unless you were doing something that was huge with the wrong: turning to the dark side or something. Which makes him better than a lot of people I've seen."

"Jim's just going to have to figure that out on his own," Blair said softly. "Yeah, I could tell him to back off, but his instincts are screaming at him that Spike is a predator, so arguing with him right now is just going to put him more on edge."

"Um, I think I might have the answer for that one," Xander said.

"Hey, I'm open to any suggestions because he's driving me nuts, and Spike is not exactly on my Christmas list right now, either."

"I told you that Jim had gold in his thread and the only other gold I ever saw was Slayers. Well, Slayers have this Slayer-sense that goes off when vamps are around, and it's not always the most accurate because when Buffy was new, her Slayer sense was all with the wacky because she invited a vampire into her room without ever having the senses go off, but as she got older, it turned pretty damn accurate."

Blair stared at him with wide eyes. "Oh man. If Sentinels are related to Slayers, they may have some instinctive antagonism against demons."

"And Buffy said that she gets the creeps around vampires, and we are so not going into why she's dated them anyway, but Jim might be getting the wiggins just because Spike is a vampire."

"Wow. Okay, I never thought I'd say this about vampires, but that makes a lot of sense. And if this is an instinct thing, Jim is so going to refuse to acknowledge it. Great." Blair slapped his notebook down on the rock and lay next to Xander. "Man, this sucks. They're going to kill each other, aren't they?"

"No killing. Absolutely no killing," Xander said, his guts tightening even though he knew Blair meant it as a joke.

"We just won't let them kill each other," Blair said with a shrug.

Looking up at the clouds, Xander snorted. "Yeah, like I have any hope of stopping Spike from doing anything, not that the anything in question would be killing because Spike is not a killer, or at least not a murderer... not any more."

"I have total faith that you could stop him if you really wanted to."

"Not so much."

"Don't underestimate yourself, Xander. I mean, Spike is obviously not happy about tracking down these soldier, and he's here. That says something."

"Yep, says he's still wrapped around Buffy's finger," Xander answered as he watched a cloud lion mutate into a ferris wheel. "Blair.. does it ever make you feel... I mean.... How do you and Jim decide who's going to make all the decisions?" he finally blurted.

"Whoa. Big question." Blair fell silent for several seconds, and Xander wished he could suck the words back in, but sadly, that was one Shamanic power he didn't have. Xander suspected he would have preferred it.

"If you're asking about who's more up front and public about decisions, that'd be Jim. He's pretty much the stereotypical dominant alpha-male, especially when he gets around the guys at work," Blair started slowly. "But it's more complicated than that. If I really want something, I know I can nag him into it, and he does too. So when I privately tell him what I really want, he listens." Blair started laughing. "Okay, I nag so well that when I really get going, I pretty much get my way, but most of the time I just kinda go along since he makes decisions with me in mind. Man, I guess I'm saying that we agree on things, but from the outside, I think it would pretty much look like Jim's the boss. God, Naomi was all freaked about my aura getting overwhelmed by his, so yeah, Jim's the big, bad alpha male in our relationship."

"So, does that ever make you feel girly?" Xander asked, darting a look over to see how Blair was taking it. That would be the expression Spike always called gobsmacked.

"Girly? Xander, girls aren't... Who called you girly?" Blair finally demanded.

"Um, Buffy?" Xander admitted. "Okay, she didn't really call me a girl; she just said I was going all fifties housewife, and as a person with a working cock, that was a little... emasculating."

"Buffy the GIRL? The all powerful demon-slaying, kicking the ass of all evil GIRL?" Blair demanded as he sat up straight. He didn't even try to hide the laughter in his voice, and Xander wasn't sure if he should be offended or not.

"I don't take her too seriously since she's not exactly healthy-relationship girl," Xander quickly defended himself.

"And I think I can explain that," Blair interrupted.

"I just feel like maybe I shouldn't be okay with Spike getting big on the bossiness."

"Xander, does he listen when you talk to him?" Blair asked in a serious tone that had none of the dark laughter of a moment ago.

"Yeah," Xander had to admit that no one in his life had ever listened to him the way Spike did.

"Do you ever feel like his decisions are wrong? Do they make you uncomfortable?"

"Define uncomfortable," Xander uneasily.

"If Jim and I saw you two, would it feel bad?"

"No," Xander immediately answered. "He doesn't do anything I don't like doing, but—" Xander froze.

"You don't like Buffy and Willow being there to see it?" Blair asked gently.

"I don't like making them so unhappy. Buffy's actually doing... well, okay would be too strong a word and she says she reserves the right to freak on the whole Spike and Xander front but she's accepting this about as much as any of them. So, when she goes and tells me I'm wrong..." Xander stopped, unable to explain just how creepy that felt.

"Fuck, and that's the supportive friend?" Blair asked incredulously.

"Willow is less with the support and more with the finding magical ways to make me stop... she doesn't want to know who I am now," Xander finished. He felt like he was betraying his girls to even say that much, but now that he was away from them, he could admit that they were lacking in the support department.

"Xander, you and Spike can always stay here in the States."

Xander snorted. "You don't know my friends, they would follow me to Cascade and then Jim would have to shoot them to get them to go away, and considering that Willow already did the ghost thing once… well, kinda twice if you count this four in one spell thing with the out of body experience, but anyway, I'm not so sure that shooting them would actually get rid of them."

"Xander, have you talked to Spike about this?" Blair asked.

"We start talking, only it usually ends with him sighing or sex. A lot of times it just ends with sex."

"Sounds like Jim. When all else fails, just do something to avoid talking at all," Blair huffed.

"We talk. We do lots of talking. We just don't really seem to solve much. Sometimes he even tries to get me to talk when I'm ready to roll over and do the sleep thing, so it feels like more talking is just more with the words and not with the solving anything."

"Man, I was wrong. You're Jim," Blair sighed.

"Hey, not with the muscles here. I think I'm pretty much dead after that hike, so comparing me to Jim is a big 'no'."

"I don't know. I can see a similarity or two: overdeveloped sense of personal responsibility, carrying the weight of the whole fucking world on your shoulders," Blair said quietly. "And for all your talking, it's not like you actually say much. As an expert in talking without revealing anything, I have to bow to your powers of non-communicative communication."

Xander pushed himself up and looked at Blair. "Why do I feel like I should be insulted?"

"Because I just told you a truth you didn't want to know. Come on, Xander. You came out here, and you weren't telling us anything about how much pressure the girls were putting on you. Spike had to tell us that."

"I didn't want you to worry." Xander sat cross-legged and picked the hem of his jeans.

"Oh yeah, total Jim. You'll give yourself ulcers and convince yourself that you have to save the world single-handed before admitting that you're in over your head."

"Hey, this is me in over my head. I can't even see sunlight from how deep I am on the Shaman stuff," Xander protested. "And I'm not big on saving the world, more like provider of world-saving sugary snacks."

"Okay," Blair conceded, holding his hands up in surrender. "No more comparing, but Jim is like my touchstone here because I don't actually know that many people dealing with the trauma of saving the world on a regular basis. So, if this fits, consider it, and if it doesn't, tell me to mind my own business. But with Jim... whoa... he just totally shuts up the minute I get close to anything too real for him to handle. It's like he takes every shitty thing he's ever seen and locks it in this box labeled 'Do Not Disturb.' And trying to talk about one thing from that box just brings the whole world down. He doesn't deal with issues, he deals with whole emotional mountains at once. But man, he doesn't want to deal with the mountain, so he just avoids until I'm ready to pull out my hair. I'm surprised I'm not as bald as he is." Blair laughed and tugged at a long curl, but Xander could almost taste a darker emotion lingering under the laughter.

"It's like... no matter how many times we work through some shit, he still keeps forgetting that I'm going to stand by him. And man, sometimes that just hurts. Sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me, and I'm like this big pain in his ass and he'd rather have me go away."

"Blair," Xander breathed almost silently, feeling weirdly like he was overhearing something too private for his ears, which didn't make sense since Blair was talking to him.

"Hey, I know that's my hang-up. And Jim and I... we had some close calls because his emotional constipation and my neurotic ability to feel like I don't actually belong... they just about sent us our separate ways, but man, you can't let life do that do you. When I'm in my right mind, I know Jim loves me. But when you love someone and they won't talk to you, and I so don't mean sports scores or number of demons killed, or whatever words you use to not talk, but when they won't tell you something important. Man, that sucks. Sucks big time. Huge time." Blair stopped and sat staring out into the trees.

Xander had absolutely no response. He should. He had a feeling he should have something to offer for the raw emotional truth Blair had just given him, but nope... nothing.

"Tell you what," Blair said as he pushed himself up from the rock. "You decide how much of that to listen to and how much is crap because I have got to get some sleep. Jim can do the prowling bit, but after walking all night, I'm ready to fall over." Blair headed for the tent on the far side of the clearing from the vampire-safe structure in the shade of the trees.

Sitting on the rock, Xander struggled to sort through his thoughts. He so wasn't Jim. He wasn't even in the same zip code as Jim. Jim actually accomplished things and Xander... well, if he could figure this Shaman crap out, Xander might learn to save a person or two. More than that wasn't really on the agenda for the mostly-human member of the Scooby gang.

With a sigh, Xander realized he should probably get some sleep too. Unfortunately, he was sharing a tent with Spike, so his chance for rest had probably gone down some with Spike eavesdropping on that conversation, but the tent had the sleeping bags, and Xander was just too damn sore to sleep on a rock. Bracing himself, Xander headed for the tent. Sleep today, find Riley tonight, and then... Xander blanked on the then. He could worry about then when then came. Right now he just wanted to sleep without thinking and without Blair's words bouncing around in his brain.

Chapter 18

Xander navigated the extra flap at the front of the tent, crawling into the space without letting even the smallest trace of reflected sunlight in. The inside was a lot cooler and more comfortable than he expected.

"Good sleeping weather," he commented. Spike lay propped on one side of the tent, a flashlight illuminating a thick book and an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips.

"You have a good talk then?" he asked. The casual tone made Xander pause. The atmosphere in the tent felt vaguely landminish.

"Sorta. It was kinda weird because the whole me being like Jim argument so missed the mark." Xander slid to his side and turned his back to Spike. He lay stiffly, waiting for Spike to pick up where Blair had left off. Instead, he could hear a page turning on the book. Slowly, the tension drained from him and he relaxed onto the sleeping bag and stared at the fabric of the tent. Counting time with the turning of the pages, Xander went from stressed through relaxed and straight to bored stupid.

He rolled to his back and considered Spike. "Do you think the tent is big enough for sex?" he asked. Spike graced him with a raised eyebrow.

"I mean, we have to sit still as long as the sun is up, and we can't actually sleep that long," Xander pointed out.

Spike looked at him for a long time before closing his book and dropping it between them. "You're a bloody idiot," Spike finally announced in the same tone he might use to comment on the weather.

Xander opened his mouth but couldn't actually form words.

"Bloody hell, you think I'm wrapped around Buffy's finger? If she had her way, we'd be driving from one soddin' end of England ta the other trying to find whatever opened that portal. It'd be bloody pointless, but we'd be doin' it because the slayer never will be able to let someone else do her work, no matter how many slayers are running around the world. She's as bad as Peaches."

"But..." Xander stopped and eyed the tent flap and considered a quick escape stage left. "Maybe I should--"

"But nothing," Spike cut him off. "If I'm wrapped around anyone's finger, it's the git who suggested we come out here and get Captain Cardboard, and that sure as hell wasn't Buffy."

"Okay, I really should give you some space because that's your cranky voice." Xander scooted toward the front flap on the tent, but he found a vampire sitting on his legs faster than he could wiggle south. A strong hand grabbed his wrist, putting it over his head and Xander found himself pressed to the ground with Spike over him.

"You're not goin' anywhere," Spike said, his voice tightly controlled. "I figure with the furry little Shaman's words bouncing around in there, you're about as open to this conversation as you're goin' to be. So you just sit still and listen to this. I'm not out in the middle of this fucking country for Buffy. I'm here because I needed to get ya away from that house before I ate one of those gits. Seems like I've said that before, but ya don't really seem to hear me. You're mine. And I'm not good with letting what's mine get hurt."

"Hey, no hurting. No hurting and no eating," Xander protested.

Spike looked down at him. "You think I don't remember? You think I don't know what it's like ta have them never see ya because they're so busy tryin' to see who they want you to be or who they remember you being?" he asked, his voice softer and more Gilesy than Spikey.

Xander blinked up and saw the raw anger and pain etched on Spike's face. He was used to Spike being scary and angry and annoyed, but he hadn't seen pain like this since Buffy died.

"Spike," Xander said carefully.

"Nearly ate me alive, never being enough--holding her and never bein' allowed to hold on too long or too tight. And now, you've gone and promised ta let me hold as tight as I want, so I'm not bloody letting go, you got that?" Spike leaned down and flashed into game face.

His mouth dry, Xander nodded.

"Right then. And a couple other things. If ya vetoed a spanking, it'd stay vetoed. Angelus and Darla used to pull that crap where I didn't have a choice, and it didn't work very well for them seein' as how I stabbed both of them in the back at one time or another. So I'm not tradin' in the bottom spot for a nice view of abuse from the top."

"Got it," Xander agreed. Spike pushed himself up without getting off.

"Bloody daft. You know that, right? You're bloody daft if you didn't hear what Blair said out there."

"I heard," Xander offered in a small voice.

"You listen to the whole song and dance?"

Xander nodded. "It's stupid to call it girly and Buffy has issues and we can move here. Got it."

"And the part about how ya can't lock up the memories?"

Xander paused. Okay, that was the part he was really hoping they weren't going to talk about. Spike narrowed his eyes.

"Emotional constipation, and mountains and memory avalanches," Xander finally agreed.

"And your ability to talk without bloody saying anything, don't forget that," Spike sighed. "And what about the part where the miniature Shaman gets left wonderin' why he can't get the stupid git to talk."

Taking a deep breath, Xander nodded again, his voice not quite working. "Remembering."

"Well, ya have a small problem, pet. You go pushin' me away, and you'll make me cranky, but the demon won't let me walk away pet. It'd just get messy--messy enough ta make Rupert take up the dark mojo again. So, unless you want to find out just how far away I can drag you, you'll bloody well stop shutting me out."

"Spike." Xander choked out the word.

"You're mine, pet. I'm not letting go, so unless you plan on laying there all night, I suggest ya find something to say."

Even without his Shamanic vision, Xander could see the desperate conflict between the soul and the demon. He opened his mouth, not even sure what to say.

"And if ya say anything about sports or some bloody demon, I'm gagging you," he warned darkly.

"I don't know why we're out here," Xander blurted before he could talk himself into not saying something stupid. Spike's eyebrows came down for a second as the vampire cocked his head to the side.

"Ya wanted to come to your bit for truth and justice and finding little lost puppies," Spike said slowly.

"Yeah, but you didn't, so shouldn't you have vetoed the whole going after Riley plan?"

"Did you want me to veto it?"

Xander thought about that one for a second. He didn't think about his own reasons anymore. He tried really, really hard not to think about his own reasons, and when he did, those thoughts went into the repress pile. But he was mantra man, and the mantra was to screw up and get over it. Only he couldn't quite figure out what to get over.

"Oi, say bloody something," Spike snapped.

"I don't know. I screwed up, but I don't know where and I'm not good with the getting over it." Xander let the words fall out even though they didn't make sense, not even to him. Spike sat up, releasing Xander's wrists even though he was still sitting on him.

"So, what does that have to do with comin' after Captain Cardboard?"

"I'm going to screw this up, Spike. You guys are all waiting for me to just see Riley's soul like some flare, and I don't see anything."

"If ya don't, ya don't," Spike shrugged. "Git might be dead. Even the survivors sometimes don't survive."

Xander couldn't hold the sob back with that and now Spike really looked at him confused.

"I think I'm old enough to know that." Xander thought of Anya, of Joyce and graveyards that didn't exist anymore and dark legs sprawled under a hot African sun. "I know," he whispered.

"Bloody hell. Throw me a line, Xan. Let me know what you have rattling around in that brain that's makin' it so hard for you to hear anything else."

Xander couldn't help the half-laughs that escaped. "Hey, I was never good with the listening. I had a history teacher that kept calling home because I never was big with the listening, and my dad would give me this whole lecture, only the funny part was that I didn't really listen to his lecture."

"No!" Spike snarled. "Don't push me off into something different to keep me from seein' whatever you have in that head of yours. You think I can't deal with your demons? I remember my hands snapping the necks of orphans because it made Dru laugh, and I've heard those same children condemn me, taunting my soul." Spike looked down at his own hands in loathing. "I would have ripped my own heart out to take away those memories, but I've learned to live with myself. So ya aren't going to scare me away. But if ya keep shutting me out, you'll soddin' piss me off. Do you hear me?"

"I..." Xander looked around, but the tent didn't have any distractions. "I can't do this," he whispered. "I can't make decisions. I can't deal with watching people die because I made some mistake. And I lied to myself and said I was going to be mantra man and give myself permission to just deal, but I can't. And now you're expecting me to be a Shaman, and what if I fuck this up as bad as I fucked up everything else?"

"What the bloody hell have you ever fucked up?"

"Only everything," Xander forced back a sob. "The whole fluky touching thing with Willow and the wedding that wasn't and the people who died in Africa and the kicking Buffy out and feel free to stop me any time because I could keep going for a while here."

"As soon as ya say something that you actually fucked up, I'll do that," Spike answered as he slid to the side so that he lay next to Xander, one leg casually thrown over Xander's body.

"Can we just drop this?" Xander almost begged. He let his hand reach over to trail over Spike's arm, tempting him. Sex would be good… very good. Xander gave Spike a crooked smile.

"Oi, I'll bring the fuzzy little Shaman in here if that's what it takes ta get you to open up, so don't even think of tryin' to manipulate your way out of this," Spike growled as he captured Xander's hand. But then he brought it to his lips and kissed it, which kinda negated the whole growl.

"Spike... I don't know what you want me to say. I told you what I'm thinking, and you don't believe me, so enough with the talking. We do other things better than we talk anyway."

"Pet," Spike said as he tucked Xander's hand between them without letting go. "I do believe that you're tellin' yourself that you're to blame for all that rot. The only thing is that ya aren't. You left Anya to save her, so you can blame the bloke with the memory tricks for that one. Teenage hormones and Willow carry as much blame as you do for that kiss, not that it really matters at this point, and as for Buffy..." Spike sighed and Xander took the time to study the stitching on the inside of the tent. Pretty stitches. Grey against grey all lined up like good little soldiers.

"Pet, I was angry about you lot kicking Buffy out, but even I know she was losing it. She expected potentials to act like slayers when they didn't have the instincts or the same strength. Mind, it would have been nice if you'd waited to talk to me. I have four times more experience than any of you lot when it comes to strategy and fighting, and dividing yourself right before battle was bloody stupid."

"Yep, that's me, stupid man," Xander nodded as he started counting stitches.

"Done a stupid thing or two m'self. Doesn't make me stupid, and it doesn't make you stupid. I'm a little more worried about why you're trying so hard to be the old Xander that ya aren't acting like Xander at all."

"Hey, I'm very Xanderish."

"Are not."

"Am too. Total with the Xander."

"If ya acted any less like Xander, I'd start looking for pods."

"Bad jokes, language capable of shocking an English teacher into a coma from twenty yards. See me be Xanderish?"

Spike released Xander's hand and reached up to lay his palm against Xander's cheek, forcing him to look over at the vampire.

"The Xander I know has seen a lot of shite. He ended up in the middle of a bloody civil war over in Africa and watched his whole town sink into a hole. The Xander I know carries the weight of all that, but I'm not seein' that part of him."

"Spike," Xander choked out.

"I'm a bloody caretaker, Xan. Always have been. Took care of my mum and then Dru, and I tried takin' care of Buffy for all the good it did me. Whatever shite you got in there, I'll take care of you too, but ya can't keep pushing me away."

"I don't want to do the pushing," Xander said, curling his fingers around Spike's shirt.

"And ya won't succeed. I already told ya that I won't let ya go... can't let you go."

"Spike, I just feel like I'm going to screw this up. Anya loved me, and I destroyed her, and Cordy and Willow and..." Xander couldn't quite finish. The silence settled heavily on them.

"Who, pet?"

"I was just supposed to go check on a slayer, and I had the creeps. I asked Aziza to come with me. I wouldn't have just left her." Xander's memories provided an image of her laughing, her dark skin soaking up the yellow from her headscarf as they walked under the hot sun. The image mutated into those legs that had become the home of flies and death. "And even that isn't as bad as what I did to the potentials. I sent them out to fight knowing they were going to die. I sent them into that. I talked them into that."

"Oh pet," Spike said. Xander didn't say anything more, but Spike's arms wrapped around Xander, pulling him close, and Xander felt very unmanly tears start. He reached up to wipe them away, but Spike just held him tighter, tight enough that Xander couldn't reach up. Xander could only hold on to Spike's waist and lose himself in all the guilt and grief he'd buried so deep he didn't even know it was there until it rose like a floodwave.

"Ya went into the fight with 'em, pet. You never sent them anywhere that you didn't go," Spike soothed. Xander struggled to catch his breath, but something kept knocking it out of him again so that he gasped and struggled for air.

"They were kids," he finally choked out.

"So were you."

"I just want to be the Zeppo again. I don't want to make decisions where someone counts on me. I can't do it." Xander could feel the pressure build in his chest, his stomach threatening the heaves.

"You're fine," Spike soothed, tightening his arms until Xander could barely even breathe, his mouth gasping for air that had become too thick for his lungs. "Shhhh."

"I saved the school. I killed a zombie that was going to blow them all up and I never told them because I was so proud that I wasn't the Zeppo. No matter what they saw, I knew I wasn't the Zeppo. But I don't want that. I don't want to be the one who matters. I so don't want to be the one who sees." Xander felt the guilt and the weakness crawling over his skin like spiders, but Spike's hands soothed them away with small strokes and gentle circles until finally, Xander fell asleep, still crying.

Chapter 19

"Evening, Sport," Jim offered as soon as Xander crawled out of the tent. Xander could feel his face warm with a blush. "You and Spike tear down the tent while I make sure the fire's out."

Spike had gotten up before Xander and now he made an unhappy noise. "Oi, don't take orders from a soldier boy!"

"And I'm not a soldier anymore," Jim answered levelly. "But if you'd rather play with the fire, you're more than welcome, Mr. Flammable. I can help Xander with the tent."

"No bloody chance of that, mate," Spike snarked, but Xander could feel the shift, the way the two men poked at each other without actually feeling each other out for possible destruction and mayhem. Two lanterns threw an uneven circle of light around the camp, but even in the weak light, Xander could see a definite lack of glaring and posturing and other signs of impending badness between Jim and Spike.

Rubbing his eyes, Xander aimed for the tree earlier designated as the official latrine. On his way back, he stopped when Blair offered him a trail bar. "Did I miss something?" he whispered as he watched Spike take down the tent a whole lot faster than he put it up. Then again, Xander had tried to help with the putting up, and Spike was definitely faster without the extra unhelpful type help. "I mean, there's a definitely lack of the open hostilities, which, hey, I'm all for, but it's hitting the weird meter."

"Either Jim decided to ignore his instincts, which is entirely possible because this is Jim," Blair started with a not-happy glare his partner's way. "Or, he was listening in on your conversation this morning."

"Great," Xander said dryly.

"Hey, Xander," Blair said as he quickly stopped packing to come over and crouch in front of Xander. "Jim understands."

Xander looked over to where Jim was stirring dirt into the dying embers of the fire he'd used to boil water. Yeah, Jim would understand the not wanting to send kids into battle--he'd had that discussion with Jim already. But Jim wouldn't ever cry in someone's arms and beg them to take control. Jim wasn't weak. As though the Sentinel could hear Xander's thoughts, he looked up.

"Hey, Sport. The water's safe, so drink up before we get hiking," he called, holding up a canteen.

Xander could feel his blush return.

"Xander?" Jim asked as he stood up. Spike just calmly rolled the tent.

"Morning. Water. Hey, thanks," Xander said awkwardly.

"Hey, Sport, are you okay?" Jim asked quietly. Xander looked over to Spike for help, but again the annoying one just packed the tent without even a hint of rushing to Xander's rescue.

"Fine."

"Oi, your heart's goin' so fast you sound like you're about to have a heart attack," Spike said from the other side of camp.

"Xander?" Blair asked, immediately concerned. And great, now all three were looking at him.

"Hey, I'm fine. Big with the fine. And if my heart is doing inappropriate jiggy things, it's just a little embarrassment which would be ever so much of the better if everyone wasn't staring at me," Xander pointed out.

"What the bloody hell have you got to be embarrassed about?" Spike demanded. When Jim gave the vampire a vicious glare, Xander had to choke back a very unmanly giggle which just might have led to even more unmanly type places.

"Xander, you don't have any reason to be embarrassed," Jim said quietly.

"Which is what I just said. Get out of the way, pillock," Spike snapped as he shoved Jim to one side. The Sentinel glared daggers, but Spike carelessly threw himself on the rock where Xander had sat yesterday, pulling Xander down next to him. "If ya want, I can always torture the Sentinel for you. Eavesdropping isn't normally on my list of torture-approved offenses, but I'm happy ta make an exception."

Xander opened his mouth in near-panic before he saw the twisted humor in Spike's expression. "Nice, give me a heart attack. Willow would so refuse to make you any more cookies if you killed the slightly hysterical, slightly nutso best friend," Xander huffed.

"Xander, we talked about this before, and you haven't done anything to be ashamed of," Jim said quietly, ignoring Spike as he walked around on Xander's free side. "War is ugly and surviving war means dealing with everything you didn't deal with on the battlefield."

"Dealing," Xander snorted.

"Oi, you're no more daft that the slayer."

"Which, hello, going to a therapist, which is slightly more daft than not going to a therapist and slightly less daft than the people with the white jackets."

"Xander," Blair broke in this time with a voice that sounded borderline incredulous. "Xander, you can't think that some therapy makes you crazy."

"The crazy part usually comes first," Xander joked. Blair didn't look amused.

"Sport, you haven't done anything I didn't do after Columbia, after Grenada, after Peru." Jim spoke the names softly, almost reverently even though his face had an expression that came closer to disgust.

"Yeah, I did," Xander argued. Suddenly he couldn't sit with all the sympathetic faces looking at him. Shoving at Spike's hands, he exploded up and got half way across camp before he turned toward them. "I gave up. You heard me!"

Xander watched while Blair and Jim exchanged looks, Jim shrugging as if he had no idea. Only Spike came after him, moving slowly as though stalking prey, and Xander backed away.

"Pet, tell me what they heard last night," Spike said in his softest soothe-the-crazy voice.

"I'm a man."

"I noticed. Didn't think you were a bird."

"I shouldn't just give up. I shouldn't just--" Xander stopped and turned his back on them all. Almost immediately, Spike's arms were wrapped around him, pulling him close.

"Oh Sport," Jim breathed. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"You wouldn't have just given up," Xander sighed, closing his eyes.

"Oh man, what the hell happened last night?" Blair whispered.

"Xander," Jim said in a firmer voice. "You didn't do anything I wouldn't have done."

"You wouldn't have given up. You wouldn't have handed your life over to someone else because you weren't strong enough to put one foot in front of the other!" Xander could feel the growl start in Spike.

"Yes, I would have!" Jim shouted before Spike had the chance to explode. Xander's eyes popped open without his permission. "I quit the Rangers. That was my career, and I walked away because I couldn't handle what I'd seen. I couldn't handle knowing that men... that boys... died because I ordered them to."

"Whoa, hey..." Blair started to say something, but fell silent even though Jim kept his eyes focused on Xander. Instead, Blair just moved silently closer until he could touch Jim's arm.

"If Blair had been there, I would have handed him control and maybe then I wouldn't have spent the next three years doing the best impression of an asshole I could manage. Maybe I wouldn't have been fucking my partner's girl when he was alone on some road with a gun to his head." Jim spit the words, and Xander backed away from the fury. Spike's arms pulled him deeper into the embrace while Blair slowly slid an arm around Jim's waist. In return, Jim pulled his partner into a one-armed hug. "Xander, you didn't do anything wrong... not back then and not last night. And if you trust that bleached moron, then trust him." Jim seemed to run out of energy and he turned his back and headed for the latrine tree where the battery operated lantern swung gently from a broken branch. Blair moved with him, the two bodies leaning into each other.

"That could have gone better," Xander whispered to the air.

"Oi, seemed like it went pretty well. Hopefully if enough of us say the same bloody thing, you'll get it through that skull of yours. Some days I think the nasties shoved you head-first into the headstones one time too many. Then again, you might not have survived if ya hadn't been so hard-headed," Spike answered before he put his chin on Xander's shoulder. "But right now, we have a wanker to find, so finish getting the tent packed. I'm going to nose around a bit and see if there's anything more interesting than a squirrel around here."

"Demons?" Xander asked as he quickly scanned the dark trees.

"I'm hopin' for something of the four-legged and red-blooded variety," Spike answered with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

"Ew." Xander made a face as he realized what Spike meant. "Just don't ever let Willow find out you ate Bambi's mother."

"Git." Spike rolled his eyes before strolling into the woods with his coat billowing after.

Xander was still, well Blair would call it 'processing,' as they walked the dark trail up the mountain two hours later. Xander thought he might actually qualify as obsessing. His head kept saying things like no one could walk through the hell that was Sunnydale without needing therapy while his heart just sort of froze up like a transmission with no transmission fluid, and after doing that to Uncle Rory's car once, Xander knew that wasn't good. And unfortunately, that wasn't the only not-good on the horizon.

"Anything yet, Sport?" Jim called from ahead.

"The same weird frayed stuff," Xander answered. "Weird frayed puke-yellow stuff," he corrected himself as he glanced at the dull threads that were disintegrating, like soggy noodles. Yep, no dinner for the Xan man tonight. Heck, he might not ever be able to face spaghetti again because these thread pieces were vibing weirdly. It was like being able to see fingernails down a chalkboard. Spike's arm tightened around him.

"Ya alright?"

"Alright in that something really bad is about to happen way," Xander answered as he ducked to avoid a hanging thread that no one else could see. Shivering at the near touch, he blinked away his Shamanic vision.

"Soddin' unnatural… fighting out here. Bloody demons should stay to the sewers and such," Spike complained bitterly, and given his tone Xander wasn't even pointing out the irony of the whole unnatural comment given they were in the middle of nature.

"Spike, you think one of us should do some scouting ahead?" Jim's voice came from fairly close, but with the whole mountain between them and the moon, Xander couldn't see a whole lot. He could, however, feel Spike bouncing on his toes in indecision.

"Right, I'll go," Spike offered after a brief silence.

"I could—"

"You could get your head snapped off seein' as how you don't even know what you're looking out for," Spike growled at Jim. From the way Jim didn't even growl back, Xander was guessing he had already come to that conclusion on his own. "Just keep this one safe, yeah?" Even though Spike phrased it as a simple question, it still sounded mighty threat-like to Xander's ears. Before he had a chance to point out that threatening the friends was not a good way to keep friends, Spike was gone into the night. A warm hand reached out and curled around his arm.

"Come on, Sport. Those of us with human muscles need to rest them. I'll keep an ear out if you keep your Shamanic vision open and warn us about any demons."

Xander could just imagine Jim's cringe at using that word, but he blinked away the real world. With the darkness around them, the vision was like a Light Bright with every thread glowing against the dark.

"Anything new?" Blair asked as steady hands guided Xander to a fallen log.

"Just the same slimy yellow bits and pieces."

"Yellow. You said that Willow flashed yellow once. When?" Blair asked.

"Okay, I know you haven't really known me for a long time, but I am not memory boy," Xander scoffed.

"Sport, don't go there or I will have to tell Spike that you're verbally ripping on yourself again," Jim threatened.

"You wouldn't." Xander looked up toward the bit of darkness where Jim's voice came from and watched the gold and deep red cord throb gently, casting an eerie glow over the night. Spike would not be amused with more Xander-bashing, not even by Xander himself.

"Oh man, he so totally would. Sometimes Jim is a little too honest, if you know what I mean," Blair moved closer, the soft green of his own cord merged with Jim's and suddenly Xander was looking at the two men in a weak yellow light.

"Okay, that's freaky," Xander said as he looked up at the men. Blair sat on the fallen trunk, leaning against Jim's leg with Jim's arms thrown around Blair's shoulders. Xander could tell that Blair was still staring into the dark, but Jim looked down at him with a concerned expression.

"So, did you suddenly pick up the Sentinel vision upgrade for the Shamanic powers?" Jim asked.

"What?" Blair asked, his blind eyes turning toward Jim. "What's up?"

"Your glow and Jim's glow are kinda glowy together."

"He can see us," Jim clarified.

"Whoa… really? Cool. Oh man, your powers are like amazing!"

Xander thought about that for a second. "If Spike's right, your powers are amazing," Xander corrected him. "Trado Shaman can teach people to use their abilities, and before I met you, all I had was a weird vibing that I thought everyone had. So, I'm thinking the upgrades are because of you." In the dull light from the cords, Xander could see a ghostly Blair shaking his head in denial.

"No way, man. This is all you."

"Blair, how many of your students fail?" Xander suddenly asked. The question made Blair look at him with confusion, even if Blair couldn't actually see him.

"A few every semester."

Okay, that wasn't the answer Xander expected.

"Why the question about work, Sport?" Jim asked.

"I just thought Blair wouldn't have anyone fail. I mean, he's a teaching Shaman, so he should be able to teach anyone anything. He could probably make me understand Calculus if Spike is right, and that is way more amazing than colored threads."

Jim thought for a second. "Chief, the students who fail, do they actually come to your lectures?"

"Sure… I think," Blair certainty vanished. "Okay, last semester that Rodee idiot who tried to bribe me and John Miral both failed. I know Rodee only showed up for test days…" Blair paused. "Okay, I think Miral missed most of the semester. He was in the last few classes, but I don't remember him being there for the first part of the semester."

"Ventriss?" Jim asked, a name that obviously meant something to Blair because the man glared murder up.

"I *know* he never came to class."

"Xander might be right then. God knows the chancellor would love any excuse to fire you, but your students do out-perform anyone else's. You told me that Professor Balachan preferred students from your courses for his second year field work."

"Oh man, that's like… I don't know."

Xander chuckled as he remembered his own doubts about the upgrade from standard human. He bit back and urge to go all Spiderman with the great responsibilities speech, but that would be a little too Andrew. "Get used to it," he said instead. "Now you're stuck having some weird power like the rest of us. Even Spike has the demon and the soul which definitely qualifies as weirdness… or maybe not weirdness in the general sense since lots of demons, like Clem, do have souls, but having a vampire demon and a soul… okay, that's weird."

"Clem?" Blair immediately asked. Yep, Xander knew an attempt to change the topic when he heard one.

"Floppy-eared demon. He's actually a pretty good guy if you don't think about what he does to kittens."

"Kittens?" This time Blair's voice went up nearly an octave.

"He plays poker with them… or eats them. It's kinda gross, but as the one sleeping with someone who ate Bambi's mother a couple of hours ago, I am not commenting on anyone else's eating habits. But we saw him in LA, and he was definitely in the soul-crowd. Most demons have this nearly black cord, but Clem's was pink."

Jim sat down next to Blair with a sigh, and Blair patted his partner's leg. Xander wondered if Blair was silently offering some sort of sympathy for Jim having to put up with another demon conversation or whether they just normally touched this much.

"Okay, so let's talk color. You said Jim and Spike were both dark red. We could hypothesize that could mean protective or maybe big-bad alpha males."

"Angel wasn't red," Xander said. "He's alpha, but his soul was…" Xander struggled for the words to describe the threads he'd seen clinging to the demon. "His soul was almost shredded, torn into threads and clinging to the demon cord, and there was red in there, but there was lots more blue and yellow."

"Okay, yellow. So now we have a flash of yellow in Willow's cord and yellow in Angel's."

"And you're never going near this Angel," Jim broke in. "I don't care if the last anthropological convention in the universe is in LA, that city is officially off limits. Xander said that soul is the only thing that keeps him from turning into one of the most dangerous demons on the planet, so if his soul is shredded…" Jim's voice came as a growl, and a faint ripple of yellow highlighted his burgundy, brightening it for a moment.

"Yellow!" Xander nearly shouted.

"What?" Blair yelped as Jim stood with his hand on his gun. "Where?" Jim demanded darkly as he scanned the trees that Xander couldn't see.

"No," Xander hurried to explain before Jim shot an innocent rock. "Jim, you just did a flare thingy with yellow. Okay, there wasn't a lot of yellow, but there was enough to make everything sort of brighten there for a second."

Jim turned and glared at Xander before he slowly sat, instincts obviously still on high-alert.

"Sorry," Xander offered.

"Oh man, okay so now we're collecting evidence. Xander, this is important: when did Willow have her flash of yellow?"

"When we were hunting the pig demon that turned out to be a blowing up volcanoes and destroying cities demon."

"When it attacked?" Blair asked excitedly.

"No, before that, before we even found anything."

"Oh man." Blair sagged as though gravely disappointed before he tried another question. "What were you talking about?"

"Okay, I am really not memory man, so no way am I going to remember that." Xander rolled his eyes. He couldn't even remember the stuff he tried to remember, like the name of the blowing up volcanoes and destroying cities demon, so random memories were not hitting the long-term storage.

"Come on. You were walking through the field…"

Xander sighed and struggled to find the right memory. Jim gave a faint, strangled chuckle, and Xander could interpret that pretty easily… better that Blair did this to Xander than to Jim. "We were going to look for the pig demon."

"Yeah?" Blair encouraged quietly.

"Nope. Not remembering. I have a memory like a sponge, only it drips things out as fast as it soaks them up."

"Maybe you should lie back, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths."

"No way, Junior. The early warning system is not closing his eyes," Jim immediately interrupted. "So, whatever theory you have bouncing around in your head, it can wait until Spike gets back. We don't even know if demons have body odor for me to smell, and we already damn sure know they don't all have heartbeats for me to hear, so we need Xander."

Xander felt an unhappy jolt as he realized they were all depending on him. Gritting his teeth against the familiar fear, he nodded his agreement. "Yeah, big with the bad idea. Me and closing my eyes leads to sleeping, which most of my high school teachers would be happy to tell you."

"So don't close your eyes, but Xander, you know the answer. Come on. You're walking across the field. Where's Buffy?"

Xander sighed as he looked over at Blair's intense expression. "Jim, I'm feeling the sympathy here. He's this pushy with the senses, isn't he?"

Jim laughed. "Yep, he is," he answered good-naturedly as he ruffled Blair's hair, sending Blair's hands flying madly around his head to try and defend his head.

"Damn it," Blair cursed before he poked at Jim hard enough to make the Sentinel grab his wrist. Xander wondered what it would have been like to be part of that… if Spike hadn't wanted him. He suspected that he would have always felt outside because he just wouldn't have fit between them.

"Okay, Buffy was right next to me because I'd almost fallen on my face, and Willow was a couple of feet to the side, and I started looking around and I noticed that Willow was normally this orangy-brown but she went all flarey yellow."

"No one said anything first?" Blair asked. He and Jim had obviously come to a truce because they sat side by side, Blair leaning into Jim and Jim's arm around Blair's waist.

"Um, no. I mean, I was muttering, but nothing with the saying."

"Muttering what?"

Xander struggled to remember. "I had nearly fallen and I said something to myself about it being a stupid idea, going out without Spike, because he was so going to kill me. And metaphorically, I was so right on that count."

"Sport, trust me, you don’t know how to mutter. You tend to just complain in a slightly lower tone," Jim said with amusement.

"Yeah, yeah, says the all-hearing Sentinel. Not even Slayers have bionic hearing."

"Oh man, Jim's right. A ninety-year-old man with otosclerosis could hear you mutter, and I so totally think I get it. It's obvious with the cultural associations with yellow, but I wanted to make sure because the brain… man… it's totally uncharted territory. I mean, eighty percent of research subjects with synesthesia report that a natural E on the piano sounds like the color yellow, so there's obviously some sort of symbolic language that goes beyond the obvious, so I don't want to just assume the obvious."

"Whoa, Chief, how about assuming that we have no idea what you're talking about?" Jim interrupted.

"Yellow. Man, if you call someone yellow, what are you saying?" Blair asked triumphantly.

"Fear," Xander said quietly. "All the yellow… all those threads hanging and thrown around." Xander bit his lip as he considered that.

"It makes sense. You said the colors are stable but not solid and that Spike's anger turns his cord darker, so it's reasonable to assume that you perceive some sort of emotion attached to the underlying soul. Man, maybe the soul is emotion. This is… whoa. Just whoa."

"Yeah, okay," Xander said slowly.

"Sport, what's wrong?" Jim moved so that he was sitting between Blair and Xander, so now he looked weirdly backlit by the glow of the cords. Xander swallowed heavily.

"If yellow is fear, then all that yellow out there—"

Xander didn't finish it, but Jim's eyes snapped to the trail, the trail where he couldn't see the cords draped over the trees like some demented elf had TP'ed the trees with snot.

"Something out here was afraid," Jim said as he stood, his hand going back to his gun.

"Which, hey, I'm okay with the fear part, but the fact that the cords are draped over things… Jim, something, a lot of somethings, got thrown around like rag dolls so that their soul cords ended up getting caught on things. Some of the cords are caught on branches two stories up."

"Shit," Jim growled softly, his free hand going down to rest on Blair's shoulder.

"And the somethings that got thrown around are so very, very dead. Those cords are rotting." Xander could feel his stomach twist as the weird vibage suddenly looked more like the scene of a massacre, and Xander had preferred random vibes of the creepy kind.

Jim went utterly still, at least he did right after he actually pulled his weapon from his shoulder holster.

"Jim?" Blair asked quietly. "If a bunch of people died, where are the bodies?"

"Okay, this is where the creepy horror movie music starts, isn't it?" Xander asked.

"No. This is where we find what we're looking for and get the hell off this mountain," Jim said darkly. "I hate this demon shit. Seriously hate it."

"Oh man, I'm so with you there," Blair agreed. Xander just swallowed the bile that threatened to make him vomit as he considered the scene of the crime.

Chapter 20

"Demon," Xander whispered as he saw a faint glimmer weaving through the trees.

"Where?" Jim asked, crouching even lower as he inched forward.

Xander pointed. "But it might be Spike, which would still make it a demon, but a demon you really shouldn't shoot. He gets cranky when people shoot him."

Jim didn't answer as he kept his handgun trained at the spot Xander had pointed to. Next to him, his backpack lay on the ground, the zipper open and a wide range of weapons waiting.

"What has all your knickers in a twist then?" Spike voice came from the dark. Jim sat up and turned his gun toward the ground as Blair leaned against his back wearily.

"Spike. Thank god," Xander said as he got up to head for his vampire. He got three steps before his foot caught on something and he went flying forward. Before he could hit the ground, his flailing arms grabbed something smooth and cool and he was enveloped in the smell of leather right before he and Spike crashed to the ground.

"What the bloody hell are you doing wandering around in the dark?"

"Hey, I am perfectly capable of walking a few feet," Xander complained loudly as he untangled himself from Spike and Spike's coat. He was so busy with the untangling part that he didn't even catch the total stupidity of what he'd said until Spike snorted. "Okay, so obviously not so good with the walking a few feet, but…" Xander stopped before he admitted that he just hadn't wanted to wait an extra five seconds to touch Spike. Instead he focused on why he'd wanted to reach Spike's side. "You're pretty sure that whatever Blair helps me figure out about my powers is right, right?" he asked as he got to his feet. Spike's arm slipped around his waist.

"Yeah, not a hundred percent sure seeing as how Shamen are still human and can fuck up as fast as anyone."

"Oh yeah, so very true," Blair said barely above a whisper.

Xander ignored him. "People died here, possibly a lot of people. Messily." Xander looked at the frayed and rotting yellow hanging from the trees. "Weirdly, but dead and lots of dead."

"What's with the hue and cry bit? Who died? Where?" Spike asked. Xander could barely see Spike, but his face suddenly grew new shadows, so Xander knew he'd slipped into gameface.

"The threads are rotting because whoever they were attached to is dead, and they're yellow, so I'm thinking human… well, it could be demons, which would be less disturbing, but it's probably people since Angel is the only demon I know with yellow in him. Blair helped me figure out that yellow is fear, and these guys who died were big with the fear." Xander felt the babble boil over. Okay, dead people, no enemy to focus on, a forest that looked like the Manson crime scene… yep, he was entitled to one serious freak-out.

"Yellow's fear. Bloody hell, what do you mean callin' Angel a coward?" Spike suddenly changed the topic.

For a second, Xander looked at Spike, not really following the new direction, but Spike leaned closer, an unhappy expression on his face. "Hey, I never said Angel was a coward! A bad dresser, yes, and yes, I do see the irony in me insulting someone else's wardrobe, but the man is a walking cliché. But he's got one-fourth of the Scourge of Europe in there."

"Oi, what am I? Did my own time scarin' the locals."

"Yeah, but you don't have the Scourge of Europe in there. You ARE the Scourge of Europe, which should actually be more disturbing, but it isn't. You did shitty things. Now you don't. And do you realize that with Cordy and Anya and you I have a real pattern going. However, all of you do the reformed evil thing well. But Angel… he isn't the Scourge, he's got that bastard locked up inside."

"Yeah, only he makes one mistake, and the git isn't locked up inside anymore," Spike admitted.

"Nope, he's free to rape and pillage all of Angel's nearest and dearest, although may I just add that killing Willow's fish was the biggest loser move ever."

"I might have mentioned that to him myself once or twice. But pet, you're sure these are human cords, or what's left of them?

"Nope. I'm feeling big with the not-sureness, but it feels right. I wish it didn't. I wish someone would tell me that I was imagining things and set me down in the corner with a cookie."

"Sport, we all wish that some days," Jim said in a weary voice. Xander glanced over in the silence that followed.

"Oh man, totally," Blair agreed.

"Right then. I guess we just have to test this theory of yours. Where are these threads of yours?" Spike's brisk tone destroyed the melancholy that had started to settle on them.

"Okay, this is the really disturbing thing. A lot of them are dangling from the trees, like the people went flying over them or got tossed over them, and those thoughts are equally disturbing."

"Hey," Blair interrupted. "I am going with the lack of bodies as the disturbing part of this. If this was the scene of a massacre, where are the bodies?"

"Massacre?" Spike asked, and again with the looking around. Xander realized he was just a little freaked at how seriously everyone else was taking his warnings.

"Maybe not." Xander fidgeted. "I mean, the cord bits are everywhere, but if someone took a guy and played volleyball over the tops of the trees with him, that could have draped soul cord everywhere, and when he died, those bits would just sort of… hang."

"And that's what you're seeing?" Spike let go of Xander and took a step so that he stood just in front of him.

"I think so, but I'm not taking bets. Nope, no bets for me because I'm faking it here, Spike. But the weird rotting cords and the extra Hellmouthy vibe… yeah, someone died. Either lots of someones died or one particular someone got tossed back and forth above the trees enough to qualify as serious-ass torture."

"Okay, I am officially happy to have my power and not yours," Blair said softly, a seriously icked-out tone in his voice.

"Oi, an animus Shaman is a good deal higher on the totem pole than a trado Shaman. Animus are one of the most powerful Shaman types out there, and considerin' that Shamen tend to be a good sight more powerful than just witches, that's sayin' a lot."

"Hey, whoa, no offense," Blair hurried to offer as Spike sounded more than a little cranky. Yep, Xander loved Spike, but it sure didn't change the fact that he was one demon who was more than a little into showing off his power… and his Shaman.

"I'm with Blair. I would much rather be with the teaching than seeing this stuff. It's creepy, seeing this stuff when you guys can't. Besides, he so has the cooler spirit animal. I still can't believe I got a kodkod," Xander complained.

"I think they're cute, Sport," Jim commented with just a little laughter in his voice. Xander glared in his general direction since the Sentinel would be able to see him.

"Point me in the direction of a chunk of this yellow shite, and let's see if we can't figure out if it was a human or a demon that died," Spike nearly growled.

"Okay, that way," Xander said as he pointed at a chunk of gooey, glowy, puke-yellow dangling in the air.

"Not exactly helpful, pet. Stand under it or something so I can see exactly what you're pointing at."

"Oh no, no way. I stand under that, and it's going to fall right on me." Xander actually started backing away from the disgusting blob in question before he thought better of it and stood still. If he fell on his ass walking forwards, he so should not risk walking backwards in the dark.

"Yeah, except for the part where it can't actually touch you," Spike pointed out with just a touch of sarcasm.

"No fair using logic on me. Spike, this stuff is big with the creepy."

"Xander, I want bloody off this mountain. If that means figuring out what the soddin' hell went on up here so that Buffy doesn't think we skipped out on her and so that you don't do a guilt trip, we'll do it. That means I'm climbing a soddin' tree in the middle of fucking nowhere and you're standing under the blob pointing at it." Spike grabbed Xander's arm, pulling him forward and then following as Xander slowly walked toward the slime in question.

"Geez. Cranky much?" Xander muttered.

"Bloody hell. Just point."

Xander poked his finger into the air straight up. "I'm right under it, so if I get slimed, I'm blaming you. I'm guessing two or two and a half stories up."

"There's no slime!" Spike snorted as he let Xander go.

"Says the guy who can't see the slime," Xander muttered. He just got another snort in return.

Xander could hear the tree shaking, pine needles rustling madly as Spike clambered up the tree with demonic speed. Xander watched the red glow of his cord weave and rise. "You're about at the right height now. Um, you need to come that way about two feet."

"Now?" Spike called down.

"Yeah, you're sitting in the middle of slime central."

"Slime that doesn't smell, feel slimy or leave bloody awful stains on anything. Might bit better than the slime we normally deal with."

"Do you deal with a lot of slime?" Blair asked from somewhere near Xander's right shoulder, Xander looked over toward the soft green glow. Jim with his burgundy was standing farther back.

"Way more slime than you want to know about. Slime and chunks."

"Bloody hell," Spike interrupted them. "Something went crashing through up here. There's broken branches, and I can smell whatever came crashing through."

"What does it smell like?" Jim called up.

"Fear. Human fear." When Spike's glow suddenly dropped to the ground, Xander jumped. "I know that smell well enough." Spike finished as he walked to Xander and slipped an arm around him. Funny, Xander didn't remember that Spike used to do so many demony things. Yeah, he killed demons with demonic speed, but he didn't remember ever seeing Spike casually take a two story drop in front of the Scoobies.

"Okay, and we're back to my question. If someone died, where's the evidence?" Blair asked.

"Seems like they didn't bleed much, and what trail they did leave is a bit over our heads."

"They? You're sure it's a they and not a he?" Xander asked Spike, and that fingernails down the chalkboard creepiness was about to make his skin crawl off. Xander pulled away from the slimed tree, Spike following without letting go.

"Pine scent masks most of it, but I can smell at least a couple people up there," Spike agreed.

"Cue creepy music." Xander shivered.

"There has to be some sort of evidence. Bodies don't just disappear," Jim insisted.

"Oh man, or they do. Did something eat them?"

"Okay, you didn't have to say that," Xander complained to Blair. "Really, honestly, there is no need to point out that we may be on an isolated mountain with a people-munching demon."

"Evisceration leaves a bloody mess, figuratively and literally. I'd have smelled that. There are a couple of demons that eat people whole," Spike mused.

"Okay, that is more than I wanted to know," Blair said in a slightly nauseous tone of voice, which he totally deserved since he was the one who brought up people-eating demons in the first place.

"Evisceration's nothing," Xander said. Yep, if he was going to be creeped out, he was taking them down with him. "There are big pus-filled demons that smell like rot and baby demons that crawl in brains and these really creepy wormy things that jump from person to person during sex like a seriously overgrown venereal disease, and compared to those things, magical syphilis is… okay, it sucks, but it doesn't suck as bad as venereal worm-like infestations."

"I hate this demon shit," Jim growled. He moved close enough to Blair that the souls again merged and Xander could see him wrap his arms around Blair's waist from behind, a look of concern on his face. "Okay, you said a couple of demons would eat without leaving a trace. What are we looking at?" Jim's arms tightened around Blair.

"Oi, that's just it. Doesn't make sense. Two of the breeds couldn't be here. The oxygen would kill 'em."

"Which means there has to be at least one oxygen-breathing suspect," Jim said with a grim confidence.

"Well, yeah. But if a YeeYue demon were around, wouldn't be anything we could do about it. Hell, a whole army of Slayers wouldn't so much as put a dent in one of those buggers."

"Okay, this is me officially freaking. Do you really think there's a YeeYue on the mountain?" Xander turned to Spike with a sort of sinking feeling of impending doom. If an army of slayers couldn't deal, they were so lunchmeat.

"Bloody hell, no," Spike laughed. "They hate this dimension. Too much pollution, and the food tastes like shite. You lot eat too much junk food and preservatives for their refined palate."

"Oh man, next time you want to go for Wonderburgers, I'm getting a double. Extra fries. So getting extra fries."

"So, you're saying that two of the possible suspects physically can't exist here and the third wouldn't bother?" Jim asked, ignoring Blair's whispered words.

"I think that's exactly what I just said."

"Which leaves us nowhere."

"Don't know about that," Spike said slowly. "Made it up to the blast site where the soldier boys took out the Kith-harn nest. Thing was facing the west." Spike stopped and let the silence fill the darkness, only the silence wasn't so silent and Xander had to keep telling himself that the rustling of pine limbs was wind and not human bodies being flung through the air. He leaned back into Spike.

"Okay, I'm sure that makes sense to someone, but not me," Jim finally said.

"Kith-harn are clan demons. Have long traditions, not particularly useful ones, but they'd give up their tusks before they'd give up tradition."

"And tradition says to not have the settlement face west," Blair suddenly blurted. "Oh man, I'm right aren't I?"

"Exactly. They see it as bad luck. Whatever the soldier-boys blew up, it wasn't Kith-harn."

"But the guy Buffy talked to…" Xander said, suddenly confused by the whole conversation.

"He lied, Sport. The military does that." Jim sounded ever so not happy. "So, we head for the truck or take one last try to find Major Riley and his division first?"

Xander could just imagine which option Spike wanted. He chewed his lip and waited for Spike to give his opinion.

"Xander?" Spike eventually asked into the darkness.

"Um, hey, whatever you think is best."

"Oi, what I think is best is taking you home and keeping you locked in a basement where the nasties can't take nightly turns trying to eat you. However, I don't think that's particularly healthy. So, what do you want?"

"Spike." Jim snapped the word out.

"Oi, boy knows I'm a demon, and a possessive one at that. But he also knows I'll bloody listen to him, so keep your nose out of my business, Sentinel." The way Spike said it, he made 'Sentinel' sound like a bad word. Blair put a hand on Jim's arm, and Xander could see Jim back down from the response he clearly wanted to shout back.

"So, spit it out, pet. What do you want?"

Xander hesitated for a second because he was so going to regret this. "Okay, I really think we should take a shot at finding Riley. I don't know, but I just can't believe he'd survive all that shit with the Initiative and Maggie Walsh just to get blown up by his own government doing some sort of cover-up."

"Sport, that might be wishful thinking," Jim said quietly, as though he hadn't just gotten into it with Spike over Spike wanting to go home.

"You survived," Blair said quickly, and Xander was happy to have at least some back-up on the potentially fatal and really stupid plan to keep going.

"I was lucky, Chief. I was lucky and my senses gave me an edge both with getting accepted by the tribe and staying alive. There's no tribe up here to take in the survivors."

"Assumin' there are any, but that's just it: we're assuming. So, Xander and I are going to do a fast loop of the blast, see if we can't pick up the trail. We'll leave our gear here and you can set up a secure camp."

"But Spike, the tent," Xander argued. "If we get stuck out there, I don't want you doing a flambé impression."

"Bloody hell, vampires walked the earth before sunproof tents and sewers, pet. Worst case, I'll have to dig into the earth, and if that happens, I'm going to be dirty and mad as hell until we get back to civilization. But I'd rather risk that then take this slow and guarantee us two more nights on the mountain. Without weight, we can cover the distance faster. If you see his soul cord, fine. If not, I'm voting for getting the hell off this mountain."

"Out of this state," Jim added softly. "Are you sure splitting up is the best tactic?"

"Hell no. Just better than anything else I can come up with. You still have the radio?"

"Yeah." Jim poked his thumb back toward their packs. Spike had slipped his own radio into one of the pockets of his coat before they'd started, so he nodded.

"Look, we're going to get off the trail. Even if I can't see this stuff Xander sees, I don't want to be too near it," Jim said as he looked around at the trees.

"Probably smart. Head back down the trail about an hour or so. That way we can get back to the truck first thing in the morning, one way or the other."

Jim nodded without answering.

"Right. We'll do a fast loop and hopefully meet you back here long before sunup."

Blair had gone to the packs, taking Xander's visible light with him, so he didn't realize what Blair was doing until he pressed a canteen into Xander's hand.

"Spike." Jim's voice came out of the darkness now.

"Yeah?"

"Just, don't get killed," the Sentinel ordered him.

"Not a problem, mate. I'll be causing trouble centuries after you're in your grave." With that, Spike tugged on Xander's waist and the two of them started up the trail. Slipping the canteen strap over his shoulder, Xander just prayed that they didn't solve the mystery of dead bodies flying through the air because right now, he desperately just didn't want to know.

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