Parts 1, 2 and 3 of Kin of the Heart
Rated SAFE

Bumbling to a Save

Angel watched as Buffy took out the last vampire, admiring her form, her grace as she spun and drove the stake deep into his chest before he exploded into ash. Then she was backing off, madly brushing at her jacket.

"Ew. Okay, not as bad as demon goo, but I really need to remember to stake upwind," she wrinkled her nose.

"Thanks Buffy, you're a lifesaver, and I mean that literally," Xander offered as he climbed out of the bushes. The young man didn't even bother thanking Angel who had staked the other two.

"It's in the job description," she shrugged, "but aren't you out kinda late?"

"Huge with the lateage. My dad had a craving for beef jerky." Xander dug around in the bushes and came up with a small paper sack. "I couldn't really explain that I was creeped out walking in the dark because the vampires seem to be multiplying like radioactively mutated rabbits." Now Xander did glance toward Angel, and Angel considered just fading away into the shadow.

"Oh crap. Look at the time," Buffy gasped as she caught a glance at Xander's watch. "Mom is going to kill me. Angel, you can get Xander home, right?" She turned her bright eyes on Angel, and the determination to just leave faded and Angel found himself agreeing with a nod. And then she was gone, racing across a yard and leaping a fence with all the power and grace of a demon.

"Great," Xander breathed in a tone that made it clear that this situation was anything but great. Angel agreed with the feeling, but he'd promised to walk the idiot home, so he stepped onto the sidewalk and waited for Xander to pick a direction. When they'd found him, he was already in the bushes, so Angel didn't know which way was home. For long seconds, Xander just eyed him suspiciously before he turned and started walking west. Angel silently walked beside him.

"So, you're Angel," Xander said finally. Angel had been watching a fledge in the distance, and the question didn't register with him right away.

"Yes."

"Buffy's Angel, well not Buffy's angel as in guardian angel type angel because that would just be strange." Xander rattled the words out so fast that Angel just stared down at him blankly. "You know, what with you being a vampire," Xander added with a vague hand-wave in Angel's general direction.

"I got that," Angel said with a small frown. If Xander was going to talk, this was going to be a lot more awkward. He wished the boy would just walk in silence and grudgingly accept the protection Angel was grudgingly offering without the verbal torture.

"Oh, good," Xander nodded. "Sometimes people don't get my stuff, and explaining it… so not good for the humor, not that I was trying to be funny because I wouldn't joke about some big tragedy like someone being a vampire… or using a wheelchair. Wheelchair jokes are totally unfunny, and I would put vampire jokes—" he glanced toward Angel out of the corner of his eyes, and Angel braced himself for whatever idiotic adolescent comments he was about to make. "Who am I kidding?" Xander asked. "There are some great vampire jokes out there. I bet you've heard them all."

"I don't talk to people much." Angel looked at Xander meaningfully, trying to get the boy to understand that he didn't choose to talk to people much. The idiot completely missed the point.

"Are you one of those weird people who collects years of newspapers and has about a hundred cats?"

"Cats? What?"

"You know, those weird people who collect crap and then when they die, their bodies disappear into their own apartments and the police have to go climbing in through the piles of newspapers and cats to get them out. Are you one of those? Because I have to tell you, you have the weird vibe going although I don't suppose you're going to leave a corpse behind for the cats to chew on after you've died."

Angel stopped and just stared at the boy, and Xander stopped, too. "What? No. I don't have cats. I don't like cats."

"No piles of newspapers from 1904 in some corner of your place?"

"No." Angel growled the word and started walking down the street again, almost hoping that Xander just wouldn't follow. Then he could leave this idiot behind without breaking his word to offer an escort home.

"Oh, okay. So, you really haven't heard any vampire jokes?"

"No." Angel kept his eyes straight ahead and tried to ignore Xander.

"What's a vampire's favorite snack?"

"We don't—" Angel started staying.

"It's a joke. You're supposed to ask 'what'," Xander interrupted as he rolled his eyes. Angel gritted his teeth and pushed down on the feeling of helpless stupidity that rose in him every time he didn't understand the world well enough to live in it. He hated that Xander could make him feel like that, and he hated that it was over something as stupid as a joke. But how was he supposed to know how two people talked to each other? He wasn't a person, and he'd spent a century trying to NOT talk to people.

"But I—" Angel started, determined to cut this conversation off.

"Say 'what'!" Xander demanded with a melodramatic sigh. Angel was caught between just saying it and getting it over or breaking Xander into several small pieces that would fit into a storm drain. He had to take several unnecessary breaths to push back the Angelus thoughts.

"Fine. What?"

"Neck-tarines." Xander howled with laughter… or gave one good bark of it at least before he settled into chuckling.

"That's not actually funny."

"It is if you don't have to fight someone into doing the joke right," Xander shrugged. He glanced over and rolled his eyes at Angel again, and this time Angel didn't even understand what he had done that warranted the disapproval of this child. "Fine, here's another one," Xander said with a mightily put-upon voice.

"What does one lesbian vampire say to the other?"

"What?" Angel said obediently, hoping that Xander lived close… very close. He started eyeing random houses and wondering if he could get the owners to just take the boy in for the night.

"Same time next month?" Xander looked at him hopefully, the smile fading as Angel just frowned. "Get it, time of the month. Girls… their periods…" Xander waved his hand in some sort of sign that seemed to mean 'all that,' but Angel just stared at him blankly until Xander sighed heavily. "I give up. You're ruining my best material here. Look, I have a limited number of strategies for humor here. You're clearly not going for the eyerolling variety, and no way am I going for self-deprecating when I'm walking with this super cool seekret stalker dude that the girl I like likes. There's humiliating myself for laughs, and then there's going just too far."

"I don't want you—"

"So that leaves humor through brutal harsh truth, which again, you make difficult by having the whole hidden past going on," Xander cut him off without so much as an apology. In Angel's human life, that would have led to getting backhanded to the floor. In his vampire life, that sort of rudeness only led to a physical beating if someone liked you. If they didn't, they'd just kill you over it. All Angel could do is grit his teeth and enjoy the few seconds of silence before Xander started again. "So, how's the Romeo and Juliet thing going for you and the Buffster?"

"We're fine."

"You do know they ended up dead at the end, right?" Xander looked up at him, and Angel took a firm hold on his temper as the boy kept right on talking even with Angel giving every sign that he was ready to snap. "I mean, just checking."

"Yes, I know how the play ended. I've seen it several times," Angel answered tersely.

"Good because some people, they're still all with the 'awwww, isn't that sweet' when I'm more about the 'hey, look, dead people on the floor.' It's the star-crossed lovers thing. It never ends well. Like that movie with the boat and the singing and the girl who it turns out is part black only no one knows it until she can sing that song about loving her man. That ended up badly. She ended up a bitter old alcoholic, or maybe that was him, but there was alcoholism and bitterness involved."

Angel narrowed his eyes and looked down contemptuously at the brat. So, that was his game. He'd dealt with Spike and his petty jealousies for enough years to recognize that expression. Now Angel felt a little more secure with his footing. This wasn't about him not being human enough to carry on a conversation; this was about the boy being so jealous of Buffy's affection that he couldn't see straight. "You don't think I should be with her," Angel said calmly. Nothing this cretin thought would change how Buffy saw him.

"Well, duh," Xander snorted, and that wasn't the reaction Angel expected. "I mean, you give pedophilia a whole new meaning. If sixteen and thirty is a bad, I don't even have a word for the badness that is sixteen and… how old are you, anyway?" Angel blinked, right back to feeling off-balance as that word sank into his consciousness. It was an easy enough word to understand with the Latin roots, but Angel had never even considered…

"I was born in 1727," he answered automatically, his brain still distracted by that brutal word Xander had just casually thrown out.

"Oh wow. If I could, you know, do math in my head, I would so be making comments about sixteen and way too freaking old. 1997 minus 1727 is… just freaky."

"Two hundred seventy."

"Okay, see, that's weird, you have to admit that's weird. My grandmother is sixty-two and she can't even work the VCR, so the idea of someone nearly three hundred years old dating Buffy with her current Third Eye Blind obsession? Way with the weird. Do you even know who Third Eye Blind is? You know, Semi-Charmed Life?"

Xander had that expectant expression. He knew full well that Angel had no idea how to work a VCR or who Third Eye Blind was. Angel had a better chance of finding a three-eyed, blind demon that knowing what the hell he was talking about. Not even bothering to answer, Angel just walked a little faster.

"I'm taking that as a no. Of course, do you even know how to use a radio?"

"Yes," Angel growled.

"A VCR?"

"I've seen them."

"So that's a 'no' on using the VCR front."

"We don't have to talk," Angel pointed out darkly, his tone the sort that would have sent William and Dru running for safety. "We can just walk in silence until we reach your house.

"Riiight. When all else fails, avoid." Xander nodded and got a smug expression on his face that Angel immediately wanted to smack off.

"I'm trying to be patient with you because I understand that you are jealous and more than a little petty over the fact that Buffy likes me. But if you think you can get me out of the way so you can make your--"

"Oh please. Not even. I watch movies like "Night of the Comet" as sock puppet material because every man on earth being dead but me, that's about what it would take for someone like Buffy or Cordelia to look at me, not that I ever looked at Cordelia, Cordelia was more Jesse's speed… or not Jesse's speed because Cordelia was always way faster. But me… I’m not even up to Jesse speed, so girls like that are totally out of my league. Nope. If I got you to drop off the face of the earth, I still wouldn't have a shot at Buffy. Doesn't mean I don't want you to drop off the face of the earth."

Angel strode forward, ignoring the man-child's voice and the dark fury in his gut and the stirring of his soul that had just now started asking a lot of questions that Angel hadn't even considered before.

"You know why?" Xander demanded.

Still not answering, Angel walked fast enough that Xander had to trot now.

"Avoidance… so doesn't work with me. I just keep talking right over the awkward silences. See, here's how I figure it. You're a vampire, and she's a vampire slayer. "

That warranted a strong glare.

"Yeah, I know that part's obvious," Xander shrugged off Angel's venomous expression, "but here's the bit you seem to miss. Her job is to protect people from monsters. You are a monster; therefore, she's supposed to protect people from you. But instead all she talks about is poor Angel… Angel almost got staked helping her on patrol… Angel had to kill his sire… and doesn't sire mean father because the whole Darla being a sire thing is giving me freaky thoughts about what she had under that skirt if she fathered you."

The fact that this man-child was poking at Angel's most pained and most cherished soft spots was nearly enough to make him reconsider his no-hunt policy. The only way he could deal with his own pain was to shove it off for later consideration as he focused on the idiot's misunderstanding of the word sire.

"She's the vampire who created me."

"Right. Whatever, so not the point. The point is that Buffy is all tangled up worrying about you. So, when the day comes that she has to choose between saving you or saving some poor schmuck who tried making out with some skanky vamp from the Bronze in a back alley, who do you think she'd save?"

"She's the slayer. She'll do her job." Angel had never fooled himself into believing that Buffy would chose him over her destiny. Hell, for a while he'd been confused about why she'd choose him over this boy with his dark eyes and soulful expression, but now that he was spending some time with the brat, Angel was beginning to understand why a slayer would want a vampire over this annoying man-child.

"Okay, let's assume that," Xander said without sounding convinced. "So, she saves random vamp snack and watches you turn to dust. Oh yeah, that's not going to screw her up, not at all. She broods, she gets all depressed and eats way too much chocolate and stops training, and then she's very quickly a dead slayer. Good plan, that." Sarcastic nod.

"That wouldn't happen," Angel said, clenching his fists to keep from grabbing the boy and breaking him. He didn't want that future for Buffy.

"Oh please, you really don't spend much time with girls, do you? They got depressed over Ross kissing the Xerox girl, so letting the 300 year old monster she thinks she's in love with die… oh yeah, that's major life-changing, Prozac-sucking depression."

Angel didn't understand most of that, but he still understood the general principle. He didn't want to understand it, but he did. And Xander, instead of letting Angel catch his balance and make sense of this whole new world view, he just kept barreling on. "Unless of course she picks you over the vamp snack. Then she gets to be depressed AND hear Giles go on and on about how he told her not to get involved with you because it would mean trouble. Yep, I am speaking the truth man, and you so know it. Denial, your name is Angel. And I'm still thinking that's a stupid name."

"This is your version of humor?" Angel asked with a grim laugh of his own. He felt as raw as if he'd just been worked over by three Fyarl demons.

"Trust me, from this side of the conversation, this is all sorts of fun… unless you plan on eating me for it." Xander looked at Angel suspiciously.

"I don't kill people," Angel said, even though just minutes ago he'd been reconsidering that policy.

"Then yeah," Xander shrugged, "I'm calling this funny." And now Xander fell silent. Now that his words had done their damage and Angel couldn't escape the thought that he was someone damaging the one person he'd sworn to protect, now that he was questioning everything he'd done in the last few months, now the brat was silent as they walked down the tree-lined street. He turned a corner, and Angel followed, his guts still roiling.

"I can't just stay away from her," Angel said firmly, even if he felt anything but firm right now.

Xander snorted, a derisive sound that made Angel want to rip his guts out… that made him want to turn the boy and then rip his guts out so it would last longer. "Oh, right, leave it up to the 16-year-old to have control. That's right up there with pedophiles blaming 6-year-olds for being too cute. Actually, it's kinda worse because at 270, you really should have a little more control and you're all supposedly atoning for past evil-man, which implies you really shouldn't be doing more evil. Way to show no control."

"If I didn’t have control, you'd be dead right now," Angel pointed out with grim amusement as he pictured what he would do to Xander if he didn't have control.

"See… with a face like that, I'm thinking you should be named Ra’s al ghul or something, not Angel."

The sudden shift in tone left Angel feeling like he was trying to walk through rapids. Every time he figured out how to keep his balance, the current changed and he was again left floundering. "Who?"

"My point exactly, the lack of pop culture references… you so don't have any business dating anyone less than two-hundred. He's a villain… always has that really evil expression on his face like you have when you're looking at me right now. He has too much forehead, too. I'll loan you my Batman comics. You'll like them."

"I don't—"

"Don't have a life... I got that already. But I figure you need someone or something to distract you from this Romeo and Juliet thing you have going before you go and get your Juliet dead." Angel stopped in the middle of the dark sidewalk. Up to now he could put the child's words up to unintentional meanness or dumb luck, but this… this suggested that the boy had just made a deliberate attack. Angel wondered how long he had practiced this little conversation in his own head before having the chance to say it.

"If she knew you were saying this to me—" Angel started.

"I'd be totally dead, yep, get that. But here's the thing, I don't have the slayerly powers for good or Willow's mad research skills. I've pretty much got the truth and nothing but the truth, so consider this my contribution to making the world a better place. Hey, we're here. Thanks for the escort. I really, really hope we don't ever have to do this again." Xander turned and darted into one more little square house that looked like all the others on the block, a little shabbier maybe.

"I—" Angel started, but the boy was already gone. Boy. He could so clearly see that Xander was a boy, a boy trying to attack in the only way he could. Why was it so hard then for him to see that Buffy was a girl? Angel shook his head, trying to settle these new and disturbing thoughts as he turned and headed back for his apartment, not sure that anything would be the same again after this night.

Family Ties

Angel opened his apartment door and very nearly shut it again. Unfortunately, he didn't close it quite fast enough.

"Hey, Deadboy. Today's lesson is on the glories of the modern educational system: Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Breakfast Club, and the incomparable National Lampoon's Animal House." Xander held up three tapes, dropping them on Angel's couch before he went to dig through Angel's refrigerator. Gritting his teeth, Angel told himself that this was part of his penance for a century of murder and mayhem. He also told himself that he wanted to get rid of Xander, but the fact that Xander was pulling Doritos out of his cupboards and already had a Coke from the refrigerator in hand really did make it hard for him to do that. 

"At least eat something that isn't junk food. I bought milk," Angel pointed out.

"Nah-huh. I want my nice sealed Coke can because that milk has been sharing fridge space with your blood, and may I just say right now how bad that icks me out."

If Angel expected time to dull Xander's criticisms, he was going to have to wait a lot longer. Sitting on the couch, he looked at the tapes the boy had brought over. "Why I am watching films on high school? Why don't you bring more of those musicals? I liked Showboat," Angel complained as Xander toed off his sneakers and picked up the tape with the depressed looking teenagers on the front.

"Hey, the 'mostly dead' reference from Princess Bride, that so saved Buffy's skin... well, that and my powers of CPR."

Angel really couldn't argue with that. He wanted to. He wanted to point out that the movie had been inane and stupid. It really had been, but at least now he understood what Xander meant when he told Angel to have fun storming the castle as he sat on a tombstone and watched Angel dust vamps. Funny, he'd thought that backing away from Buffy would have meant seeing the boy less, but the less he focused on Buffy, the more he seemed to have inherited a younger brother... an annoying younger brother who was getting Doritos dust all over his couch. Angel looked at the mess in despair.

With a sigh, Angel got up to heat himself some blood.

"You're going to do the blood sucking thing right in front of me, aren't you?" Xander asked with a face.

"You're inhaling pure chemicals right in front of me," Angel countered. "Besides, I drink, I don't suck." He pulled the pan out of the cupboard and set it on the stove.

"Just keep that away from me because the smell of blood is doing seriously bad things to my appetite, and I'm a growing boy here. I need my calories."

Sighing, Angel just focused on his dinner while the opening credits of the movie started. "Hey," Xander called, "this sets up all the characters so you know their backgrounds, you have to see this bit."

Angel turned and watched as one teen after another got dropped off in front of a silent school. Why were they going to school if no one else was? Angel didn't ask because questions like that led to long and complicated answers that he often didn't understand any better than the movies Xander brought over.

"See all the pressure that asshole's putting on his son? So not with the cool. Wait 'til you find out what Andy did, and having been on the receiving end, I'm so not okay with what he did, but his father makes him do a lot of that stuff just with the way he acts. They should be able to make parents serve detentions, you know?" Xander snorted.

Detention. Restraining or confining someone. After Xander had served his second detention for not having homework done, Angel had finally caught on to the meaning as it referred to school, but that still didn't explain why these students were being dropped off for detention. Xander always served his after class.

Angel watched as a man in overalls told his son that he was a waste of lunchmeat. Angel flinched. Yeah, Xander was right, some parents deserved to take the blame, but then again, sometimes the punishments they received far outweighed any crimes they committed while trying to raise their children. The specter of his own past rose up, and Angel tried shoving it away. Tried, but didn't completely succeed. Maybe that's why he let Xander come over, so that he would be tortured with reminders of a life he once had. Angel turned back to the stove and swirled his blood. Maybe he just didn't like the young man being so alone. The first time Angel had invited him over, the boy had been sitting forlornly on his porch, and it didn't take vampire hearing to catch the vicious fight going on inside. Most of the neighbors could hear it. Now, Angel was never sure whether some fight at home or some unintentional insult from Buffy or Giles sent him to Angel. Xander rarely if ever discussed what was going on with him, even if he did make a habit out of torturing information out of Angel.

After pouring the blood into a cup, Angel ran water in the pan and headed back to his desecrated couch.

"The couch... so not a tragedy, so you can stop with the tragic face," Xander said without glancing away from the movie. He poked a chip toward the screen. "This guy? Snyder would love him. Snyder's problem is that he can't find enough sadists to hire as teachers."

Angel seriously hoped Xander was exaggerating. He probably was.

"So, what was school like in your day?" Xander asked before shoving an entire handful of chips in his mouth and then rubbing his dirty hand on his shirt. At least that was better than rubbing it on the sofa arm, Angel supposed.

"Strict," Angel said. "I had a friend who went to a hedge school and liked it well enough, but I went to a state school and I never learned much more than reading, basic numbers, and how to avoid getting hit with a very large stick."

"Hedge school?" Xander sprayed Dorito dust with his words.

"Catholics weren't allowed to teach and the schools tried to get us to not believe in the Pope, so a lot of boys, their parents paid storytellers or teachers who would teach out of barns or beside ditches or behind hedges."

"Really?" Xander sat up a little straighter. "You could get the whole rebelling and schooling things out of the way at once, which would leave many hours free for other pursuits, which seems big with the waste because you didn't even have video games to fill all those excess non-rebelling minutes." Xander nodded, and Angel didn't point out that in his day, children had very little time for rebelling. He himself had not rebelled against his father's beatings and insults until he got old enough to do it with a vengeance that had led to his own damnation. "So, your dad didn't go for the hedge thingies?" Xander asked.

"Hedge schools. No. He would rather have me protestant and wealthy than go to heaven. I suppose he didn't get either." Angel drank his blood and tried hard to concentrate on the movie and not the sick feeling in his stomach. Having Xander over was a little like self-flagellation, but the boy no longer seemed to enjoy the pain he caused. If anything, he'd turned pensive, chewing on one chip before pulling another out of the bag.

"How are Willow and Buffy?" Angel asked.

"She's back with Owen again. On again, off again, on again. Geez, he's like a yo-yo, and not in the sparkly fun way either because he can be slightly totally weird," Xander complained. Angel just nodded. Whoever Buffy dated would no doubt inspire jealousy and hatred in Xander's heart, but at least the boy was honest about that. After Angel had started backing away from Buffy, after he'd really seen how he was endangering her, both physically and emotionally, in a way he had never intended, he'd expected gloating from Xander. It never came. And as much as Xander hated Owen, and he did hate the young man, Xander never tried to break up the relationship Buffy was struggling to have with him. As much as Angel hated to admit it, a sixteen year old boy had been mature enough to see a truth that he at two hundred and seventy had missed. It hadn't been just the random, jealous babbling of some love-sick teen.

"Willow?"

"She's fine," Xander shrugged without more comment.

Angel settled in to watch the movie now that Xander had been successfully distracted from the topic of Angel's own past. The knock on the door came after the students had started smoking marijuana. Xander looked at Angel questioningly, but Angel didn't have any idea who might be showing up on his door. He wasn't exactly listed in the yellow pages. Yellow pages, another reference Xander had explained, bringing one over to use as a visual aid.

When Angel opened the door, he was temporarily so shocked that he didn't even say anything as the figure billowed into the room, a leather duster swirling dramatically around him as he stopped in the space halfway between the small kitchen area and Xander. Angel quickly moved to stand between them.

"Ta, mate." Spike sniffed, an affectation that was followed with a trademark smirk. "Long time no see."

"Xander, you need to go home," Angel said quietly.

"Long time as in...?" Xander asked softly.

"Go home."

"Right, this is me with the going."

Spike smirked wider, running a tongue along the inside of his lower lip. "Say hi to Bruno on your way out, pet. He's the vamp with the tattoo over half his face." Xander froze half way to the door, his wide eyes on Angel. Reaching out, Angel grabbed Xander's arm and pulled the boy safely behind him.

"What do you want, Willliam?" Angel struggled to find some calm. This situation was bad. The cramped quarters were far more suited to Spike's fighting style than his own, and Xander would never survive even being in the same room with two fighting Master vampires.

"Got a new bit then? He going to be the new baby brother once he's grown into his knickers?" Spike turned an appraising eye on Xander and Angel could feel the warm hand touch his back, seeking some sort of protection and reassurance. "All dark eyes, that one. Looks like your taste." And Xander's hand disappeared from his back.

"That's not your business," Angel said sharply, refusing to get pulled into Spike's game. "So, William, what brings you to the Hellmouth?"

"Just came from court. They say you're the slayer's lapdog. Funny thing that." Spike walked over to the chair and dropped into it, sprawling out as he frowned at the television. "Crap movie. Now Star Wars, that's a movie worth seein'. Anyway," Spike said, one more fast shift in topics, "court says you're sniffing up the slayer, but I've been tailing this slayer for a week now, and I haven't caught hide nor hair of you anywhere around."

Angel took a step forward, anger surging through his guts. He didn't think of Buffy as someone he could or should sniff up, not after Xander had said a few truths that made him see her as far more of a child than a woman, but she was his responsibility. He'd taken on a mission to help her, to protect her, and as much as he didn't want to, he would fight even Spike over that mission. "You don't touch her," Angel growled, barely keeping out of gameface. Spike blinked up at him, unconcerned.

"Slayers exist for us to kill them, you forgotten that or does the soul just muck with your head until you can't understand the concept?" Angel stepped back so quickly he collided with Xander and the boy gave a startled yelp.

"You know," Angel said quietly.

"Well, yeah. Not stupid," Spike pointed out with a frown. "Half the demon world uses your name like some sort of boogy monster. Be a bad little demon or the gypsies will shove a soul up your arse like with that Angelus."

"Soul or not, I will dust you if you touch Buffy," Angel said seriously. Spike just raised an eyebrow.

Calmly, Spike pulled out a cigarette and lighted it, casually blowing smoke into the room. "Yeah, heard you'd taken up stakin' the family. That's what the line's come down to, has it?"

"The line was always full of vampires who would stake each other over a meal," Angel pointed out contemptuously.

"True enough," Spike shrugged. "Doesn't mean you stake your own sire or childer, or did the court get that wrong, too?"

"Darla threatened Buffy." Angel watched as his words had an effect on Spike. The nervous twitch of his fingers stilled and for one perfect second, he was a silent statue. Then he pursed his lips and leaned back in the chair.

"Not sure what your game is here, mate, so this is your play."

Angel wasn't fooled by the cocky attitude or the carefree attitude. Spike had placed himself closest to the one piece of art that would best serve as a weapon, and he watched Angel with wary blue eyes.

"I don't want to fight over this, but for Buffy, I will," Angel said calmly.

"Just the slayer?" Spike asked as he leaned forward. His eyes flicked toward Xander.

"Buffy AND her friends are the ones I'll specifically hunt you down and stake you over," Angel compromised on. "I'm sure you can sniff out which ones spend time with her, at least if you haven't forgotten the lessons I taught you."  Angel's soul demanded that he stake Spike right here and right now, that he end the danger the vampire posed to the world. Another part of his soul reminded him that he had created Spike, and the guilt of that made his stomach twist. Angel had tortured the boy, had forced him to watch as Angelus took Drusilla over and over.  He'd dragged young William out on sprees of raping and killing.  Before that, William had been the least bloodthirsty demon Angel had ever met. Now he was famous for torturing and killing. Angel carried the blame for that.

"Still not sure what your game is here," Spike pointed out.

"And you're not going to. You leave Buffy and her friends alone, and you don't hunt where she or I will find you, and I won't have to turn you into dust." Angel offered the best treaty he could.

"Bloody hell, sounds like you really might be tamed," Spike stood up, but Angel spotted his moment... the fraction of a second when Spike had his body angled just a little too far. Angel surged forward and slammed his body into Spike's. His larger frame meant that he had Spike pinned against the wall before the smaller vampire could launch a counter-attack.

"Don't ever think I'm tame, Spike, you won't live to regret the mistake." Angel hissed the words out, his demon's vision focusing on the soft curve where Spike's neck and shoulder met. For a second, Spike's hands scrabbled across Angel's shoulders, and then he went still. His head tilted a fraction, maybe less than a fraction of an inch, but the gesture was there. Angel drove forward, biting deeply at the offered flesh and tasting the blood of his line. He stopped before he could take much. If he did, Spike would just have to hunt again, and Angel didn't want that on his conscience. Slowly, Angel backed away, his eyes still focused on Spike.

"Guess that answers that," Spike said, just a little of the cocky gone as he reached up and touched the raw wound on his throat.

"Are you still planning on going after the slayer?" Angel asked, still in gameface. Spike stared at him for several seconds.

"Your offer of a truce good?" Spike finally countered.

"As long as I don't see you hunt. I'm here to stop people from ending up the prey, but..." Angel stopped. He couldn't come up with one reason for not killing Spike right now when the younger vampire was submitting and his instincts would work against him. Then again, maybe Angel just liked people who annoyed him, and Spike had always fit into that category remarkably well.

Spike shook his head. "You were my Yoda. Bloody hell, you were the one who taught me to enjoy my unlife, and now this is what you're left with? Crap all movies in some pathetic flat that stinks of pig's blood?"

"We all make choices," Angel said calmly as he fell back into human features. "So, what choice are you making right now, William?" Angel took a step forward again, and Spike angled his body for another attack.

"If your slayer is all that precious to you, I'll let you have her until some other vamp catches her havin' a bad day." Spike stepped away from the wall, and Angel backed up to give him a clear shot at the door to leave. Through this whole exchange, Xander had remained shockingly silent, and Angel spared the boy a glance. He was pale and not actually breathing. Angel wondered just how long he'd been holding his breath because that was not a healthy expression.

Spike started for the door, his swagger a little less pronounced than when he'd swept in. "How's Drusilla?" Angel asked when Spike put his hand to the doorknob. Spike's eyebrow twitched, either in amusement or concern as he gave Angel a strange look.

"Not good. Got caught by a mob outside of Prague, and she's failing fast. Hellmouth perked her up a bit and Dalton's looking for a solution."

Angel didn't answer, not even sure what to say. If he had a part in creating Spike, then he'd molded every inch of Drusilla. Her madness for killing children, her cruelty, her joy in torture... they were all the scars he had left on her before and after he'd turned her. Without another word, Spike was gone and Angel was left alone in the apartment with Xander, the movie still going. He turned, not even sure how to explain that exchange to the boy.

Xander frowned at him for a second and then at the door before he sort of wilted onto the couch. "And here I thought you drinking blood was bad for my digestion," he joked weakly. "I'm pretty sure I'm going to vomit. Passing out may follow. Actually, first I need to feel my crotch to see if I actually peed my pants or just considered it. What with the lack of oxygen there in the middle, I sort of fuzzed out."

"You didn't soil yourself," Angel assured him even though he knew that Xander already knew that. "Spike is..." Angel stopped. How did he explain this to a sixteen year old child.

"Family?" Xander asked. "Fucked up family, but family. Yeah, I get that. I'm totally getting it boy, but next time I'm complaining about my dad, please just poke me with a stick or something because your family makes mine look almost functional." Xander gave a dark burst of laughter, and Angel didn't bother pointing out that Xander never complained about his father. All of Angel's impressions about Xander's family came from standing outside on the street listening to them. Xander looked up at him. "We need to tell Giles," he said before he bit his lip. It was a gesture of uncertainty Xander didn't usually have. Whether Xander was right or spectacularly wrong, he was always sure.

"Yes, we do. If Spike's in town, he has a plan," Angel agreed. "It's probably not a good one, but he has one. However, I think this will keep until tomorrow. Do you want me to walk you home?"

Xander sat silent for a minute. "Um, do you mind if I do the couch-crashing thing? The parental units are off on the blaming of each other for the lack of money, and that particular conversation always seems to come back around to why I seem to suck up so much money and not give any back."

Angel grimaced. "If you can handling sleeping on Dorito crumbs, you're welcome to it," Angel said. "I'll get you some blankets." He pulled a set of sheets, a pillow, and blankets out. If Xander was going to admit that he wanted to stay instead of just refusing to leave until he fell asleep, then he could get a little more comfortable than sleeping on the couch with a blanket over him.

"You want to finish the movie?" Xander asked. Again, there was that uncertainty that Angel wasn't used to seeing.

"I actually think I need to go kill something," Angel admitted. He didn't like how that made him sound violent and unbalanced, but it was true. Xander just nodded.

"I'm with you there, well, not in the actual killing of things, but in the weird needing to do something, not that I plan on doing anything except sit on your couch and excessively channel surf. He won't come back, will he?" Xander glanced toward the door, and Angel used a fang to bite down on the pad of his thumb.

"No, he made his point. He won't risk starting another confrontation after he's submitted," Angel said truthfully enough as he let his hand casually brush against Xander's hair. He could smell his blood mixing with Xander's own scent as the new scent marker laid over the smells of older markers. Not even a dozen washings would remove all traces of vampire blood and the fresh marker would warn Spike that Angel was serious about protecting his own. Now all Angel had to feel guilty about was all the random people he was likely to kill.

Angel grabbed his coat and sword and headed for the door. Xander's voice stopped him as he was ready to leave.

"Hey Angel," he said. The VCR was already off, and Xander had the remote in hand.

"Yes?"

"You can't pick your family." Xander didn't say anything else as he turned his attention to the television and started flipping through channels at a speed that made it impossible for even vampire vision to identify the pictures. Angel didn't answer as he headed out of the apartment.

Devil in the Details

Xander hurried as he headed for the Bronze. If Snyder hadn't been all with the 'help clean this up' after the swim team slopped all over the stupid floors, Xander would have been safely inside the club sitting next to Buffy way before dark. Instead he was power walking through the dark. Snyder just hated him because Ampata had disappeared, which made the school look bad, especially when it turned out that Ampata was supposed to be a boy, and boy didn't that look a little suspicious. But it still wasn't his fault he was always at the center of the weirdness.

He was officially stupid, Xander told himself as he walked even faster. He should have just gone home, it was closer. Xander snorted at that thought. Funny, but the more he avoided home, the more he wanted to avoid home. It was like some sort of reverse numbing process because the ability to just get away from his parents' fights... well, let's just say it was definitely reducing his tolerance for the random verbal assaults.

"Fancy meeting you here." The heavy accent sent Xander grabbing for a stake, but before he could even get it out of his waistband, Spike had grabbed him, one hand on the back of Xander's neck and the other on his stake hand, and this wasn't embarrassing, not at all. Spike looked so... okay, he looked like a Goth wimp with more scrawn than muscle, but the hands holding him were definitely not scrawny.

"Oi, stop fighting before I end up hurtin' you."

"Oh yeah, because vampires never hurt people. I'm not falling for that line you undead liar... guy." Okay, that wasn't his best line ever, but Xander hadn't peed his pants yet, and right now that was victory enough. Getting out of this without being dead would be even better.

Spike gave him a little shake that made Xander's teeth rattle. "Don't have to lie to you. If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead, pet. So let go of that stake and play nice before I rip your bollocks off."

Xander had no idea what bollocks were, but from tone of voice, he was guessing he wanted his right where they were thank you very much. He let go of his stake and listened to it rattle against the sidewalk before Spike started pulling him down a sidestreet.

"Angel is going to be so pissed with you... and Buffy... you know, the slayer. She's going to be big with the hunting your sorry ass down and doing the whole dust to dust thing." Even while Xander babbled, he couldn't help remembering what Angel had told Giles... that Spike was one of the most determined demons he'd ever known. Not a great one for planning or patience, but utterly focused, and Xander really, truly did not want that focus on him.

"Mouthy one, aren't you?" Spike asked as he changed his hold so that he held one of Xander's wrists and flung his other arm around Xander's shoulders.

"Too mouthy. You don't want to listen to me. Heck, my parents don't even listen to me, so random vamps, not really any reason to listen to me, so you should just let me go."

"Bloody hell, not some random vamp, am I? I figure Angelus will give you another three, four years to fill in and then we'll be family."

It took Xander a second to recover from that bit of stupidity. "Disturbo much? Angel is not going to turn me."

Spike gave Xander a look that looked a little bit like the one Giles had given him when Xander had confused whatsit demons with thingamajig demons and made them all think the world was ending again. "And you've known the sod for what? A couple of years?" Spike snorted, and Xander could feel the heat in his face. Okay, so he hadn't actually known Angel that long... really not that long... but he was sticking to the belief that Angel wasn't planning on killing him. If he was with the homicidal feelings, the whole night with the verbal jabbing about pedophilia so would have been the time for him to do it. But right now, Xander was more concerned with the way Spike was studying him. "How long *have* you known him?" Spike demanded.

Xander wasn't going to answer, but the grip tightening painfully on his wrist pretty much reminded him that he didn't have a choice. "Um, known in the having seen him around or known as in knowing his name or known as in figuring out he's a vampire or known as in showing up at his apartment for movie nights?"

Spike's eyebrow twitched.

"A couple of months, maybe," Xander said, kinda cutting it down the middle. The movies... that had been two months top... maybe a month and a half.

That made Spike just outright laugh. "Oi, he knows you for two months, and he's already marked his territory and is coddling you until you grow into your knickers. You're not a seer or somethin', are you?"

"Uh, not that I know. The only thing I'm really known for seeing is any snack food at a hundred paces. Other than that, I tend to trip over things before seeing them."

Spike stopped and really stared at Xander for a second before he started walking again, dragging Xander along for the ride. "Seers don't always know it about themselves. My Dru, she just thought she was cursed. I don't suppose you think your cursed or balmy or some shite like that, do you?"

"Balmy?"

"Crazy," Spike clarified.

"Crazy for wandering around a Hellmouth after dark, I'd be saying big with the yes," Xander agreed as they turned another corner.

"Hear voices? See things that aren't there? Cursed by some higher power?" Spike asked, and now he stared at Xander so intensely that Xander shivered. Spike just tightened his hold.

"Um, no, no, and maybe. I do seem to keep attracting demons. Demons and primals and vampires, oh my. I mean, this? So not even the weirdest thing that's happened to me this week. But then Willow had the whole demon-computer stalker dude which was weirdly creepy, so I'm not alone in the Twilight Zone. Of course, that still doesn't catch her up with me having the hyena primal and the teacher who tried to eat me, and the spirit-eating mummy that tried to suck out my life-force, and now Snyder is after my ass even more than ever because he's all blaming me because she was supposed to be a he and then she turned into a mummy, not that he knows the mummy part."

Xander bit his tongue to force himself to just stop. Yeah, people accused him of babbling just because he hung with Willow, who really was a babble champion, especially after too many Cokes, but he didn't actually babble much. He just said stupid shit. But with Spike walking arm in arm with him, Xander just had this weird feeling that if he could just keep talking, it was like proof that he was breathing, and breathing meant alive, and right now, any proof that he was alive was of the good.

Spike just nodded.

"You're supposed to tell me I sound like an idiot, and then let me go because you are too cool to hang with idiots," Xander pointed out.

"After a century with Dru, you aren't that hard to follow, pet. So, think I'm cool do you?" Spike asked with a sideways glance and a leer.

"Hey, no, just... no." The babble from earlier just dried up as Xander started having serious heart-failure levels of panic.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, pet," Spike said as he took his arm off Xander's shoulders. Xander retreated as much as he could considering the stupid vamp still had him by the wrist. "Angelus would have my testicles for a necklace if I tried anything with you. Just teasing is all, but after you're turned, when that soul and all the inconvenient human shite comes off with it, just remember that I don't think you're so hard on the eyes. I'll have to make sure to stay on the clod's good side so he'll share a bit after he welcomes you to the family."

"After he... Oh no. First, there will be no family because he is so not going to turn me, and second of all... welcoming?" Xander kinda squeaked the last word out. Spike laughed.

"Yeah, a sire always takes first taste, mate. 'Course Angel was always more for the skirts, but he welcomed me proper, and he never complained about my mouth on his tackle."

"Angel's gay?!!" Xander nearly swallowed his tongue. And now Spike really was looking at him like he had lost his mind.

"Hard to call it one thing or the other because we're demons, pet. Or Angel and I are anyway, you'll get there. And he always cared more than most about preferring skirts, but most demons are pretty willing to bugger anything that stands still long enough to get buggered, and he does seem to have taken a fancy to you."

Xander sat down heavily in the middle of the sidewalk, his legs just sort of going out from under him as his world pretty much shifted two inches to the right. Angel was gay. He was hanging out with a gay guy. Oh god, that so explained the hair.

"Bloody hell, if you're broken, Angel's going to skin me. Hey. You alright?" Spike let go of Xander's wrist and sort of poked him. Xander looked up and found Spike crouched in front of him looking confused.

"He's gay, like with the sex with guys and not the oddly old-fashioned happiness gay? Oh shit, he liked the musicals, of course he's gay. But hanging out with a gay guy, that doesn't make me gay because I'm so with the boobie appreciation." Xander realized that he had lost his mind when he found himself looking to Spike for reassurance. Instead of reassuring him, Spike was just looking more confused and a little concerned.

"Oi, let's get you back to the apartment," Spike said as he got a hand under Xander's arm.

"Hey, not gay here. I really don't think I should be visiting the gay guy's house. Shit. The Dorito tragedy face. Well, duh he's gay and just how stupid am I? No straight guy cares that much about his couch."

"Bloody buggering hell. I really did break the great sod's little pet. Look... what's your name again?"

"Xander."

"Right then, Xander, let's get you up and over to Angel."

"I'm not gay."

"Good for you. Never said you were, pet. Startin' to think this isn't a conversation we shouldn't be having at all. Come on, pet, up you go. One foot in front of the other."

"Hey, what's up with the being helpful weirdness?" Xander demanded as his brain finally caught up with current events.

Spike rolled his eyes. "Not going to hurt ya, pet, and right now, leaving you out here wouldn't qualify as safe. Vampires might not touch ya, but there are plenty of other nasties on the Hellmouth, more every day."

"Vampire's wouldn't--what?" Xander demanded.

Spike frowned at him, and that's when Xander realized that he was actually leaning against the vamp. He pulled back and stood on his own two feet, his heart pounding. Guy touching... touching of guys... touching of gay guy because Spike was the other half of the Spike and Angel oral show. And Xander had called the gay guy cool. And oh shit, he'd told Willow that Angel was all with the good looking before he even knew that Angel was all with the dead. Oh, he was so screwed.

"Ya smell like Angelus. Isn't a vamp on the Hellmouth who wants to tangle with a 270 year old vamp over a meal."

"I smell like a gay guy?" Okay, that wasn't exactly reassuring.

"Are you always this annoyin'?" Spike suddenly asked.

"This is me in annoying-light mode. You should see me when I set my mind to being annoying," Xander joked weakly. He was too busy trying to rearrange his brain with this new information. He slept at a gay guy's house. One night he'd fallen asleep on a gay guy. Oh he was more than just screwed, he needed a new word for screwed... preferably one that didn't have a sexual meaning because he might be screwed, but no way was he going to be screwed. No, not for the Xand man. No way.

Spike twitched his elbow, and Xander started walking. "The old man really is different now. Time was, if he'd planned on turning you, he'd be keeping you on a chain at his place, beatin' you regular so that every time he walked in the room, he commanded every bit of your attention." Spike pulled out a cigarette and lighted it, and now Xander had thoughts of gay and chains in his brain, and he was pretty sure that his balls were trying to climb back up into his body. "You really must have something he wants."

"Oh no, I have nothing of interest for any gay guys, and there will be no chains. Nope. Nuh huh. I should go home." Xander went to turn around and head for his house. If he wasn't going to die tonight, he needed to get started on the denial.

"We're going to the apartment, pet," Spike said firmly, and a hand locked on Xander's elbow, pulling him down the street even as Xander fought with everything he had. It didn't help at all, and Xander just ended up feeling even less with the manly when a scrawny looking Goth guy hauled him down the street without even having to work at it. With a heavy sigh, he eventually gave up and started walking under his own power.

"Still not gay," he said firmly. Spike didn't answer, but he watched Xander like he was expecting daisies to sprout out of his head or something.

"Angel, Angelus... you call him both, what's up with that?" Xander asked, desperate to change the subject, only talking about Angel wasn't actually subject-changing. His brain was broken because he really couldn't think about anything else.

"Both are him," Spike shrugged. "He used whichever fit in best, so in Italy he went by Angelus, but in England he was Angel more often than not. Which one he use now?"

"Just Angel."

Spike took a long drag on his cigarette and blew out a plume of smoke. "So, what's he do all day?"

"Mostly read," Xander shrugged.

"Read?" Spike sounded shocked, and Xander gave a little shrug.

"Yeah, not sounding like a whole lot of fun to me, but I had to nag him into getting a television at all, and then all the stuff he reads is like so old that I can't read more than a sentence before falling asleep. The girls think it's all cool how he reads Shakespeare and crap."

Spike snorted. "Great sod's worse than I thought. He always drink that pig's blood shite?"

"Okay, blood is one topic that I avoid ever thinking and/or talking about. Kinda like gayness. There will be massive repression after this."

"You've never seen him hunt?"

"Well, duh. He hunts all the time."

Spike looked interested in that. "Really? He kill the humans or just nip in and take a sip?"

Xander looked at Spike because that just did not make a lot of sense. "What?"

"When he hunts humans, does he kill 'em or just take some blood and send them tottling off?"

"Angel doesn't hunt humans. Okay, ick. Human here, for those who had obviously forgotten."

"But you said--"

"He hunts vampires. Goes on patrol and stakes all the fledges that seem to be multiplying way too fast. I mean, before Buffy, I lived here my whole life and never got hit on by one demon, not that Angel ever hit on me because he hasn't because I'm not gay and he knows it. I was talking about Ampata, who yeah, was a guy on the passport but trust me, when I knew her, she was all girl. Lots of girl. Nice boobies."

"Boobies, got it, pet," Spike assured him absentmindedly. "I suppose the fledges and minions are all makin' these low-level morons since Luke isn't around to torture the unlife out of them for breaking that rule. Angel never hunts a human at all? Does he even visit a suck house for some volunteered blood?" Spike asked.

"Whoa, suck houses? Like houses where vampires go to suck people? And please tell me that you mean suck as in killing because if we're talking about more weird sexual stuff, I really am not going to make it to Angel's apartment before the brain implodes under the weight of the repressing."

"Vampires in suck houses don't kill anyone. Bloody hell, hasn't Angel explained anything?"

"I'm starting to think no. Personally, I really would have appreciated a quick 'hey, guess what, I'm gay. And I had sex with this weird Goth vamp with a thick accent'."

"And cool," Spike added with a smirk. Xander barely controlled an urge to punch the smug vampire in the stomach, but that didn't generally turn out well for him. Spike just smirked wider at Xander's foul expression. "And a suck house is for people who want to be bitten. They pay, and a vamp will bite 'em and take just enough blood to make it feel really good. Don't generally get the best quality vamps in there. Usually they're old enough ta control the bloodlust, but if they were strong enough to be Masters, they'd either go out and hunt their prey or set up a stable. So, older and weaker vamps end up working the suck houses."

"This is just majorly disturbing. Majorly. I think I should go home and get some aspirin and pretend this night never happened. I can pretend that I don't know Angel's gay and go right back to assuming he's just anal-retentive with a hair fetish and a preference for musicals." Xander sighed as he considered those facts. "I really am an idiot." Xander looked hopefully over his shoulder toward his house, but Spike just tightened his grip on Xander's arm.

"Bloody hell, you're annoyingly obsessed with this."

"Yep, annoying, petty, vindictive and absolutely obsessed. I once held a grudge from third grade all the way through to high school." Spike looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "And those are my good qualities, so sex with me would be really, really bad. I would be all about me and totally obsessed. See, I'd be bad with the sex and an eternity of listening to me would make you go all crazy in the head," Xander pointed out.

Xander's last hope at escape ended when they reached Angel's apartment. Then again, it was a little later than Xander usually showed up, so maybe Angel was gone for the night, out killing vamps and not visiting suck houses. And really, that still made all sorts of unpleasant images go bouncing around in Xander's head. Gay images. He was so screwed.

Spike knocked on the door and leaned against the wall, one hand still on Xander's arm. The door swung open, and the flicker of a smile vanished as Angel's eyes went from Xander to Spike.

"Found your pet out wandering after dark. Thought I might bring him home for you. Should keep him on a shorter leash."

"And why didn't you tell me you were gay?" Xander demanded, his mouth opening before his brain pointed out that he should probably just shut up until Spike left. Angel got that dumbstruck expression.

"I... I'm not gay."

"Hey, you had sex with Spike, that's seeming pretty with the gayness, and I don't mean pretty as attractive because the thought of you two in bed... and I'm just stopping now. Still mad."

Angel's gaze was doing the tennis match thing, going from one to the other. "I only had sex with Spike the once, and that was more about vampire hierarchies than sex," Angel said slowly.

"And him sucking..." Xander waved a hand in the general direction of Angel's cock. "Don't you think that's with the gayness?"

"Bloody hell, pet. A mouth doesn't even have a gender. No offense Angel, but this isn't one of your better plans." Spike made a vague gesture toward Xander, and Xander glared right back at him.

"If you ever speak to Xander again, I will rip your tongue out of your mouth, William. You understand me?" Angel stepped forward, and suddenly Xander's friend was gone and a vicious demon was standing there, his body angled forward and long fangs bared in Spike's direction.

"Soddin' hell. Not like I lied to him or hurt him or somethin'. Never knew he'd get so balmy over something as stupid as whether you ever buggered me. I even pointed out that you were more about the skirts, but he was all off on this gay bollocks."

"He's sixteen. He's sixteen and human and a male from this culture. Of course that's going to bother him because he's a child. However, I'm trying to decide if you're intentionally getting in my business or just as thoughtless and careless as you always were." At Angel's angry words, Spike let go. Xander was left standing between the two vampires, and really, that was not a comfortable place to be right now.

"Xander, go in the apartment," Angel said, his voice tightly controlled.

"Um, maybe I should--"

Angel turned and growled at him.

"--go in the apartment," Xander hurried to finish as he ducked past Angel and into the apartment that had felt like a haven just yesterday. He stopped inside the door and turned to watch the conflict in the hall.

"You're the one who lets him bloody wander the Hellmouth."

"He's not my thrall. He has a life."

"Then you can't go and get your knickers in a twist if he learns things you didn't plan on telling him. You want to control him, keep him on a leash," Spike snapped, and then Angel was on him, pinning him to the wall. Xander couldn't hear the angry words hissed between them, but like that night days ago, it only ended when Spike tilted his head just the slightest bit and Angel bit him. After a second, Angel stepped back and slammed his fists into Spike's chest, slamming the smaller vampire into the wall.

"You're going to get yourself killed. Buffy will consider this an attack on one of her friends, so take Dru and get off the Hellmouth," Angel growled.

Spike stiffened at that. "I take her off the Hellmouth, and she'll bloody die. Is that what you want? Are you picking your brown-eyed boy over her? You never did respect--" Angel slammed his body back into Spike's.

"I respect her enough to not want her dust. Get off the Hellmouth."

"I can't," Spike snapped back.

"Between the Anointed one and Buffy, one of them is going to get fed up with your idiocy. You're going to get yourself and Dru killed," Angel snapped. Xander could hear the desperation in that threat. Oh yeah, the idea of them dead bothered Angel, and watching how Angel used his body, shoving it in, physically intimidating Spike, how the hell had Xander missed the whole gayness thing?

Spike snorted and shoved at Angel. Xander got the feeling that Angel chose to step back. "Anointed one is dead."

"What?" Angel stepped back far enough that Spike could move away from the wall, straightening his coat and putting on some of that cool swagger that Angel had kinda knocked off him when he slammed into him. Xander had been slammed into enough walls in his day that he couldn't exactly say he approved of the behavior, but Angel and Spike were both with the vampiness, and Xander was fairly sure that changed some of the whole Miss Manners rules.

"Wanker was all St. Vigeous this, St. Vigeious that. Woulda let him have his stupid ritual, only he sent a bloody minion to drag Dru into it, so I shoved a piece of wood in him."

"Okay, wait," Xander said, still safely one inch inside the doorway, so he wasn't technically out of the apartment. "We're all worried about this big huge power, and you just staked him like any other vamp? Feeling a little... um... let down. Where's the battle?"

Spike snorted and rolled his eyes. "He was just like any other vamp."

"That's not true, Spike. You could smell the power off him just like every other vamp could." Angel crossed his arms and stared with that same expression Giles used way too much, but at least he wasn't showing fang. Spike had fallen back into his own human face.

He shrugged. "Well, yeah. Had Dru in a right tizzy, that power of his, but he still dusted like any other vamp.

"Okay, I know I'm the only one here who rode the short bus, and I want to point out that my short-bus days were only like a month, but has everyone but me gone and got stupid?" Xander asked.

Spike immediately flashed into gameface, snarling, and Angel almost casually backhanded him. "What do you mean, Xander?" But Xander had already stumbled back into the apartment and Angel had to follow. "It's okay, Xander, Spike is not going to hurt you." Angel gave the other vampire a glare, but Spike just glared back as he tried to follow. He bounced off an invisible barrier at the doorway.

"Bloody hell. A vampire can't keep another out of his lair. What the bloody fuck?"

Angel smiled, and that was not a nice smile at all. "William, William, William, you never were able to think outside the box. The apartment legally belongs to someone else now, someone very alive, and I just have an invitation.

"But what if they kick you out?" Xander immediately asked. Funny, five minutes ago, he was thinking that he wasn't comfortable here any more, and now he was freaking at the idea of losing this place. And really... it didn't say much about him as a person that he was more worried about losing his safe haven than he was about Angel being homeless man again.

"They won't," Angel said calmly. "And William, you do not have an invitation, especially after that show of temper."

"He called me bloody stupid!"

"Um, actually, I wasn't really meaning you. I was more meaning Giles and Buffy and them," Xander hurried to say.

"Oh." Spike sort of deflated and leaned against the invisible barrier with all his cool back in place. "Callin' the slayer and her watcher stupid, good on you, pet."

"Xander, what do you mean?" Angel asked with a disgusted look in Spike's general direction. It didn't even dent Spike's cool. Funny, Xander usually looked way less cool when he was getting bullied.

"We're all reading really borderline coma-inducing books trying to stop this Anointed One, right?"

"Yes..." Angel said slowly.

"Well, he turns out to be slightly less important that a bug and Spike says it's all the minions making minions that's leading to the freakish increasing in death by barbecue fork. So, here's the short-bus question. If the low level minions wanting to make more low-level minions are the ones making all the trouble, why aren't we going after the low-level minions?"

Xander looked at Angel. Unfortunately, Angel didn't look like he had many answers as he just looked back at Xander blankly. It was Spike laughing that finally made them break their gaze.

"Shut up, William," Angel growled.

"Can't even count the number of times you beat my arse because I neglected some bloody detail. Always telling me not to get distracted by the obvious. Have a right to be amused, I do."

"I may beat you again," Angel snapped, but Spike just pulled a cigarette out. It really looked weird seeing him lean against that invisible barrier... even more cool as he did the impossible. With a click of his lighter, he lit up his cigarette and blew the smoke through the barrier.

"Seems like someone went and missed the devil in the details, or in this case, the demons in the cemeteries." Spike pulled his cigarette out of his mouth and ran his tongue along the inside of his lower lip. For a dead guy, he had way more cool points than was fair.

"So, we stop the minions from making minions by doing whatever Luke did, and presto… no more people dying by barbeque fork on a daily basis. Yes?"

Xander looked at Angel hopefully, but the vampire just looked constipated as he stared at Spike. "What?" Xander asked.

"Got a problem there, pet," Spike said slowly. "See, Peaches here just stakes the vamps when he finds 'em. No profit in following the rules for them. The whole reason Luke was effective as an enforcer, even if he was a great ugly wanker, was that he provided order in the court, protected the minions from bigger demons, and when they broke the rules… well… death woulda been kind compared to what he did to 'em. Tortured one sod for months after he caught him messin' with the mojo. Makin' a new minion or fledge without permission, that would lead to at least a week solid of getting' disemboweled over and over."

"Okay, that's just seriously ick."

Spike shrugged.

"He's right," Angel said quietly. "I can't torture them into obedience, and I'm not part of the court, so I don't even know which ones are making the minions."

"But Spike is, right?" Xander asked in confusion. Yeah, he was generally against torture, but if Spike torturing the minions into playing by the rules equaled life going back to pre-Buffy near normalcy, he was strangely okay with the torture.

"Yeah, good old Spike is right where he needs to be if certain people want the old rules enforced," Spike said cheerfully.

Xander looked from one vampire to another, confused. Okay, that was not Angel's happiest expression, but it's not like the man had a whole lot of facial muscles so maybe Xander just wasn't reading his mood right. Because this should be of the happy-making, and that face… so not happy.

"Now, the question to ask," Spike eventually said, still just as cheerful as ever, "is why the bloody hell I would bother with all that rules rot. I mean, if someone got to poking around, they might get the impression I was tryin' to protect the good people of Sunnydale, and you and I both know that I could cheerfully set the whole lot on fire and walk away with a whistle." Angel growled. "Excepting your boy, of course," Spike quickly added.

"So, barter time?" Xander asked. Neither vampire answered, but Angel's face did get a little tighter. "Hey, you keep the minions in line, and we can make Buffy leave you alone."

Spike growled, and Angel gave Xander that look like daisies might start sprouting out of his head. Xander looked from one to the other for a second. "That was a short-bus suggestion, wasn't it?" he asked.

"Bloody hell yes. I don't need any soddin' human to protect me from the slayer. Meant to have my third slayer here, so if you think keepin' us apart is makin' this deal sweeter for me, you're as barmy as Dru on her worst day. Bloody fucking annoying being in the same town as a slayer and not fighting her. Took my coat from my last slayer. Course, this one doesn't have anything I want, but drinking her blood and dropping her lifeless body on the street would be a right treat."

Angel reached out and neatly caught Spike by the throat, but instead of driving him back into another wall, which seemed to be a favorite of Angel's, he just pushed Spike a foot away from the barrier and then pulling him back against it as hard as he could. Spike's hands had first grabbed Angel's arm, but as Angel slammed him face first into the invisible barrier over and over again, his arms flew wide. On the floor, his cigarette quietly smoldered, making the hall smell faintly of burning plastic and Xander flinched at the pain in Spike's face as Angel started punctuating each slam with a word. "Do Not Touch Buffy Or Her Friends."

Angel let go and Spike staggered back against the wall, hitting it hard enough that Xander could feel the shiver in the walls of the apartment. With a shake of his head, Spike just slipped his smirk back in place and stretched his neck first to one side and then the other. "You always were annoyingly obsessed. No wonder you like your new little pet--you're equally annoyin'," he offered.

"What do you want?" Angel asked.

"Bloody hell, I just walked the boy home, so I'm not looking for some bloody handouts."

Angel sighed. "What do you want in return for enforcing the Master's rules?" Angel clarified.

"Oh that." Spike leaned back against the hall. "Don't suppose you're up for sharin' the—"

"No!" Angel cut him off.

Spike just shrugged. "Then you know what I want, same thing I always want."

"Help with Drusilla," Angel said quietly.

"Yeah. You're her sire, you oughta be there helping her through this. Maybe your blood can keep her from fadin' away like she is."

Xander watched as Angel's whole body just sort of sagged. His shoulders drooped and his hand came up to rub his face the way Xander's really, really old grandfather sometimes did. "I can't be who she really wants," Angel said softly.

"Yeah, know that. But you're still her sire."

"She may not see it that way."

"Then prove you are by torturin' her until she gets it through her head. I can't stand by and watch her turn to dust one day at a fucking time, and Dalton isn't finding what I need. I'd dust him out of sheer frustration, but it isn't like there are a whole lot of minions running around who can read demonic languages." All the cool was gone from Spike, and Xander could see the raw desperation there.

Okay, he was officially going to hell because right now, Xander wanted to help the crazy vampire, and after the orphanage story Giles told, he so should be on the other side. Angel glanced at him and then looked back at Spike.

"I do care," he admitted slowly. "You get the minions under control and I'll… I'll come see her. I'll try to do something. But she can't go off massacring families anymore," Angel hurried to add the last, his voice almost desperate.

"Bloody hell, I'm not her sire, so it's not like I can tell her a fuckin' thing. You keep her healthy and you can set whatever rules you want for her, but don't let her die, Angelus. Don't let her just fucking fade to dust while I stand there and bloody watch."

Angel nodded slowly, and Spike looked away, his hand coming up to rub his eyes for a second before that body slowly rearranged itself into the familiar cool lines of Spike. His back straightened, he righted his coat and pulled another cigarette out, although he didn't light it. Scrubbing at the still smoldering butt on the floor with the heel of his boot, Spike offered Angel a nod and then disappeared down the hall in a characteristic swirl of leather.

Xander sighed in relief.

"Are you okay?" Angel asked quietly.

"Does completely freaked out and totally wanting to repress this entire night count as okay?" Xander asked him.

Angel sighed and walked over to the chair, dropping down heavily and staring off at nothing. "Whatever you want to ask about Xander, I'll answer. If you want to leave, just head straight home. Spike is probably still out there, and he'll make sure you get there without bothering you again, at least if he wants his tongue to stay in his mouth, he will."

Biting his lip, Xander tried to figure out if he really did want to go there. If he didn't go there tonight, no way would he get the nerve to go there later, and if he didn't go there later, no way would he ever be comfortable over here again. And that would lead to long nights at home with his parents. "Are you gay?" Xander blurted it out before he could change his mind.

"Not especially," Angel shrugged. "I've had sex with male vampires, but when I was alive, I never had sex with anyone who wasn't female… and getting paid for it."

"Okay, that's slightly pathetic," Xander said as he crossed his arms over his chest. He couldn't figure out what else to do with his hands.

"I was pathetic," Angel shrugged without taking offense. "Vampires aren't generally concerned about gender. I think I cared more than most because I didn't want anyone to assume I would ever take the submissive position."

"Not playing butt-monkey. I'm very much there with you on that because I'm totally not okay with ever doing it myself, so I'm just going to ask… is this some sort of really weird plot to make me your butt-monkey so you and Spike can pass me back and forth?"

"What?" Angel looked up in shock, then he narrowed his eyes. "I'm going to rip his tongue out. What did he say?"

Xander's back thumped against the wall as he tried to physically back up only to run out of room. "Um, he was saying that he would enjoy kinda, you know, enjoying me after you'd turned me into a demon and had sex with me yourself."

Angel closed his eyes for several seconds, kinda like Xander's father did when he was trying to not yell. It almost never worked for Xander's father. "Xander, from a vampire's perspective, I suppose that makes sense, but I have a soul—a human soul. I don't plan on killing you."

"And butt-monkeying me?" Xander asked, sliding an inch closer to the door.

"Xander, why did I stop seeing Buffy? What did you say that changed the way I saw things so dramatically that I just couldn't touch her without hating myself so much that I was physically ill?"

Xander blinked in surprise. Okay, he hadn't known his words had sunk in quite that deep. "I called you a pedophile."

"Because Buffy's sixteen."

"Exactly."

"Xander, how old are you?" Angel leaned back in the chair.

"Sixteen, oh, hey, right. If you won't break the pedophilia rule for Buffy, no way would you do it for me," Xander smiled as a huge weight lifted from his shoulders. "So all this being nice to me?"

"I like not being alone," Angel shrugged. "I'm not trying to get in your pants, I guess I'm just trying to get into your head, to see the world the way you see it and find some way to make a life for myself that's not groveling in alleys after rats or raping and pillaging across Europe." Angel slowly smiled. "Besides, I have to be nice to you because I don't want you disinviting me to my own apartment."

"Disinvite… what?" Xander stared blankly at Angel.

"Last week, the Star Wars marathon--you got here before me. What did I ask you when I came to the door?" Angel asked, and that was amusement in his voice, Xander knew amusement when he heard it.

"Oh shit. You asked me if you minded if you came in," Xander breathed as his world shifted two inches to the left again. He really needed to stop the world from shifting or his head was definitely going to explode. "You put the apartment in *my* name? But, this is yours."

"Xander, you can be incredibly annoying and shockingly petty at times, but you're always loyal. I trust you with the deed to my apartment. Besides, if something ever did happen—" Angel held up a hand to stop Xander from saying anything when he tried to interrupt. "Things do happen on a Hellmouth, and it might be something as simple as me having to leave for a decade or two, but I want to know that you still have this place if you ever need it."

Xander had to sit on the couch before his legs just went out from under him. "Really?"

"It's a little too late for me to change my mind now. The apartment's already in your name."

"Okay, this may just undo some of the suckiness that has been my week… not that I want your apartment or would take advantage or anything, but just in the you trusting me with it."

"Suckiness?" Angel asked.

"Major suckiness. You know those frat boys?"

"The idiots feeding girls to the demon?"

"Um, yeah, those. Before you and the cavalry got there, let's just say that it wasn't pretty and between that and Spike's offer to welcome me to the family in a Biblical way, my manhood is feeling slightly tattered and torn right now."

"Did they hurt you?" Angel leaned forward, and Xander could see Angel's fingers twitch.

"I can fight my own fights, thank you," Xander snorted. "You and Buffy, not good on my ego with the wanting to beat the crap out of people for me."

"I didn't—"

Xander stared at Angel's hands, and Angel actually glanced down himself where his fingers were nervously twitching. He sat back and put his hands firmly on his knees.

"Snyder kept suggesting that if I was dating Ampata, I must have just not known that she was a he, when trust me, she was not a he. She ate the he before I ever met her, but I can't exactly explain that, and then one of the boys from chemistry heard Snyder saying that, so some of the guys are making gay jokes, especially about me always hanging with the girls and never getting a date, which Buffy is not really with the helping when she threatens guys for me. And then the frat guys dress me in a bra and drag me around for everyone to see in drag and then Spike with the gayness, and you with the gayness, although I guess I can forgive your gayness as more vampireness than gayness. I've just had a really, really bad week."

"There's nothing wrong with being gay," Angel said without much emotion.

"If you're gay, I suppose not. Okay, if you're gay and out of high school, I suppose not. But Angel, this is making it really hard to actually get girls to look at me, and even if I were gay, gay and high school are definitely two unmixy things. And if you offer to beat up anyone who's giving me a hard time, I'm putting hair dye in your gel."

"Buffy?" Angel guessed.

"Oh yeah, which again, not with the making me feel all manly."

"You should probably remember something you pointed out to me once." Angel stretched out his legs. "She's sixteen. Sixteen isn't grown up enough to always understand how your actions affect other people. She's trying to be a friend."

"Okay, when I gave you that speech, my whole point was that 270 was too old."

"And sixteen is too young," Angel countered. "But she'll grow up and figure out that she can't fight your battles for you."

"Before she totally emasculates me?" Xander asked hopefully. Angel was looking far too amused.

"Maybe," he shrugged. "If you get to feeling too girly, you can come over here and we'll do something manly," he said as he got up. Walking behind the couch, Angel popped him upside the back of the head as he went to close the front door.

"Belching contest?" Xander asked hopefully.

"I can't belch."

"Exactly, it's perfect. I'll win every time," Xander pointed out triumphantly.

"Fighting lessons," Angel countered.

"Fighting lessons with you? Okay, those are officially called getting my ass kicked lessons, and in that category, I am fully certified. I think I have a paper at home that says so. I can get my ass kicked by anything ten percent demonic or higher, and demons, part-demons, and former sacrifices turned demonic are contractually obligated to try and kick my ass before going after anyone else in Sunnydale."

"I won't kick your ass… much," Angel shrugged before he headed into the kitchen.

"Hey, let me get food before you make it stink like blood in there," Xander hurried to say as he went for the fridge.

"I'll get you trained with something you can handle, a short broadsword maybe, and then I'll take you hunting for fledges."

"Really?" Xander asked as he rescued a cold pizza still in the take-out box from contamination by blood. He grabbed a baking sheet and flipped the oven on.

"Yeah, really. I'll have you feeling manly in no time," Angel promised as he leaned against the counter.

"I wonder if killing things will make the whole Xander-gay conspiracy go away."

"Spike probably could be considered gay. He certainly enjoys what…" Angel stopped when Xander pinned him with a cold expression. "My point is that he is still a dangerous predator who is very capable of killing. Killing and gay are not mutually exclusive."

"Freaky but true," Xander sighed. "Do we have any red peppers?"

"What do they look like?"

"They came with the pizza in little white paper packs about like this." Xander held his fingers up to show the size.

"Third drawer," Angel answered.

Pushing aside the frustrations of the week, Xander focused on the search for everything he needed for the perfect piece of pizza: red peppers, ranch dressing, tons of napkins, and extra cheddar cheese for the top. The girls could just spend their night gossiping about Owen the poetry geek, Xander was going to do manly things like scratch and eat pizza. "We have any movies left to watch?" he asked.

"Spaceballs."

"Oh yeah, perfect guys' night," Xander said happily as he shoved his pizza in the warming oven. Sometimes life on the Hellmouth almost didn't suck.

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