Musical Wars
Chapter 2 -- Coming Out
Xander slipped into the apartment a good hour before his mother would come home and two hours before sunset. The apartment felt strangely empty to him, as though he had never lived there, but he pushed those thoughts aside as he grabbed a couple of bags and went into the room that had been his since the night when he and his mother had snuck out of their last apartment without paying the rent--two weeks after his father had left them without a word or enough money to pay the monthly bills.
The music collection and trinkets of his childhood went into the suitcase first. If he ran out of room, he had no doubt that Spike really would buy him new clothes, but the pictures and comics that had given him an escape from life during his early years--those were irreplaceable. He packed the comic book he won from Jesse, the pictures from his life in Sunnydale, his country music CD's and cassettes. He used to have more, but his father had once "punished" him by breaking every single one of his CD's one at a time. He'd had to save a lot of allowances just to replace his favorites.
He felt the demon's anger rise to the surface of his mind, and he struggled to push it back. Four years he had fought with the demon, but now it just seemed so much harder. He almost wished he had waited until Spike could come because his demon seemed so much more controllable around Spike; without Spike he was back to the constant struggle that had become such a part of his life that he didn't even realized how much effort it took. Obviously he wasn't strong enough to dominate the demon in any permanent or meaningful sense, so what did that have to say about his long-term mental health, he wondered as he sorted his clothes. Wearable jeans, underwear, and plain shirts in one small pile in a knapsack. Rummage sale rejects, Hawaiian prints, and just plain ugly went into the large pile on the bed.
When Spike got tired of him, would he even be able to control the demon anymore? Would he become prey to whatever vampire discovered his secret? His own mind formed an image, and the horror caused him to actually drop the load of underwear in his arms. The demon's answer seemed pretty clear: Angel. If Spike didn’t want him, the other master from Spike's line would claim him. The demon started pushing, bringing forward thoughts of Angel's broad shoulders in that sleeveless t-shirt at the theater, the sight of the large vampire forcing Spike to submit in the dark, the knowledge that Angel was so much older than Spike. Yeah, the demon didn't have a problem with the thought of Angel, but Xander fought back. Angel had rejected Spike; Angel had hurt and abandoned Spike. Angel wasn't worthy. Angel couldn't always control himself if the stories of Angelus in Sunnydale were anything to go by. That made him weak. He focused on the thought of Angel torn between the demon and the soul until his own demon finally relented and retreated. He bent over to pick up the dropped underwear as he felt a shiver run through his body-either the demon's desire or his own revulsion, he wasn't sure which.
Luckily, his mother interrupted his internal conflict with a happy shout.
"Xander!" his mom shouted happily before standing frozen in the doorway to his room. He could see her eyes harden as she took in his activity. "Alexander," she began again, far more cautiously, "it's so nice to have you home. I expected you to come home a few days ago."
"Yeah, I didn't mean to worry you," he sheepishly offered as he tried to mentally add up the number of days. Let's see—two days sleeping in Spike's lair, two or three days captured by Cassidy, the night demon-bar hopping. So not of the good. Okay, he could bluff his way though this. "Things were so messed up in…" he totally blanked on his cover story for a moment before it came back to him. "San Diego that I had to stay there a few extra days to straighten things up because they were really screwed up…with inventory." He just shut up the minute he realized that he had blown his chance to get away without drama. His mother had her stony look that made it clear that short of physical violence he wasn't getting out without a lecture.
"Really? I thought you said you were going to San Francisco." The fists on the hips, squared off don't-challenge-mother posture told him how absolutely screwed he was.
"Okay, I was in town," he admitted before she could trick the truth out of him. "There was a problem with a competitor and I had to check out a few places. I just didn't want to have to drag myself back here."
"And you were staying with…"
"A friend," he offered, but he flinched at the uncertainty in his own voice.
"Right, a friend who has invited you to stay a few extra days, perhaps?" He watched as his mother gestured toward the bed, the open duffle bag, the suitcase waiting on the floor.
"Um, a friend who asked me to move in?" he responded warily, just waiting for the maternal eruption.
"A week!" his mother screeched, her voice stabbing into his brain. "You're moving in with someone after a week!" The fists left the hips now so that the arms could get in a good swing as she paced, partially in the room and partially in the hallway. Finally she stopped and glared at him. "I thought I raised you better than to fall for this big-city shit about free love and moving in with each other. God, is she pregnant, Xander?"
"What? Ah, no. Just…no,"
"And you're using protection? God, please tell me you're using protection every time because you do not want your life ruined by getting some girl pregnant."
"Geez, Mom, I *so* don't think there's ever going to be risk of that," Xander snorted and then froze at his mother suddenly shocked expression.
"Xander?" she asked, her voice suddenly cautious, as though afraid he would bolt for the door, which was actually pretty perceptive of her since he really was eyeing the space between her body and the door frame and estimating whether or not he could run for it. "Xander, is there something you want to talk about?"
"I, um…well…uh….no?"
"Oh god, you're gay," he mother suddenly stepped into the room and sat heavily on the edge of the bed. "I should have known considering some of the girls you brought home. That Gretta girl had more testosterone in her than your father."
"Gabi," he correctly quietly. He couldn't exactly deny it, but he sure hadn't planned on this conversation tonight.
"God, please tell me he's not that pushy,” his mother asked, her hand running absent-mindedly through her graying hair.
"Surprisingly, no."
"Surprisingly?" his mother snapped back, picking up on the word and brandishing it like a weapon. "Why 'surprisingly'? What kind of man are you seeing?" she demanded.
"He's nice," he quickly declared. "He's a very kind man." Oh god, please don't ever let Spike find out about *that* comment or he would never live it down; however, he didn't think proclaiming Spike's evilness would win points with his mother. "He has his own place downtown, a nice one bedroom with its own laundry. You'd like him."
"And you're using protection, right?"
"Mom, I'm not having the 'safe-sex' talk with you," he squirmed as he tried hard to keep any thought of sex as far away from any thought of his mother as possible. The two just did not ever need to exist in the same place at the same time.
"Oh good lord, you're blushing to even think about it. Did you have the guts to talk to your boyfriend about this or are you just trusting luck to protect you from your own stupidity? If you can't be responsible enough to talk about this like an adult, you have no business doing anything with another man until you grow up. So, did you use protection or not?" Xander stood beside his dresser, pressing himself into the wall as he tried to remind himself that his mother was speaking out of fear and shock. Tried to remind the growling demon in his head of that too.
"I can take care of myself, Mom," he chided gently. "He's a good man, and I'm fine." Of course, he actually doubted each of the three statements to varying degrees, but he really didn't need to worry his mother with details.
"Then tell me you weren't stupid enough to risk dying just so you could get your rocks off." Xander almost choked at the crass expression coming out of his mother's mouth.
"Mom," he began a little louder this time. "I'm not talking to you about my sex life. Please trust me when I say I know what I’m doing." He tried hard not to look guilty or sheepish or confused despite the fact that he felt all three. He watched as the anger drained out of his mother as though some psychic plug had been pulled.
"Tell me that he's good to you," she whispered, tears clear in her eyes as she looked up at him. He went over and sat next to her on the bed.
"He is. He makes me happier than I've been since we moved here."
"Please, Xander, please tell me he makes you happier than you've ever been because you've had too damn little happiness in your life." He could hear his mother's voice crack as the tears started now. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen his mother cry; she didn't even cry when his father, in a rare mood for a physical fight, had backhanded her into the coffee pot. Brown stains had decorated the wall of the kitchen until they had moved out of that house in Sunnydale looking for a better life.
"He does, Mom; he honestly does," he promised her as he put an arm around her shoulders. "Maybe we can come over for my birthday on Thursday," he found himself offering.
"Right," his mother snapped out of it as if they had been discussing nothing more emotional than the weather. She quickly swiped the back of her hand across her face as she stood up. "Thursday will be the big birthday bash. I'm getting off work an hour or two early, so the three of us can order pizza and get some movies."
"Um, I can't make it until dark," he objected. At his mother's curious look, he continued. "I still have work, Mom. I just started, so I can't just take off early like some people. In fact, I have to finish packing and get my butt to work before dark," he finished as he look at the sun hovering just above nearby roofs. "I wanted to talk with you, but I didn't think you'd be home this late."
"So you're leaving?" she asked, and he tried not to hear how small her voice was.
"I have to get to work," he explained. "I'll call; this time I won't forget," he promised.
"Don't let him forget how special you are," she whispered as she smoothed his hair away from his face before turning to leave the room. "And if you want your father to know, you'll just have to tell him yourself because I am not going to talk to that asshole about this. If I do, you'll be bailing me out of jail for homicide. Your father is a closed-minded Neanderthal," she announced briskly as she walked out of his room and into the bathroom.
He heard the door shut and the lock turn before the water started. Recognizing the dismissal, he decided to head to the club and see if he still had a job. Oh god, he had forgotten to even ask Spike if he could keep his job. The demon mewled in distress as Xander stamped down on it and decided that he was going to keep his damn job whether the pushy vampire liked it or not. Unless of course he had already lost the job. He picked up his two bags and headed for the door. When he stood at the apartment's front door, he looked down at the key in his hand. With a sigh, he turned the lock on the doorknob, put the key on the counter, and then closed the door behind him. No going back he decided.
Xander arrived at Safari mere minutes before opening. Half-dressed men rushed by him as he slipped in the back door by the freezer and slipped into the kitchen, hoping to find T. Instead a large man with long hair pulled up under a fishnet cap worked in the kitchen.
"Um, have you seen T?" he asked as he pressed himself up against the prep table so that he didn't get in the way of the stream of people rushing back and forth and put the bags on the floor before carefully maneuvering them so they were half under the prep table and not in anyone's way.
"Out front," the man snapped before he grabbed a sheet from the oven and began loading trays.
"Move it sweetcheeks," ordered a familiar voice, and he turned to see a short Hispanic stripper sneering at him. "You back to get your final check after walking out?" Xander finally put a name with the face: Luis. He was about to respond when a deep, familiar voice interrupted him before he could begin.
"Hey, hey! It's the much-missed food runner," Charlie quipped as he stole a potato skin out from under the cook's nose. When the cook glared, Charlie gave a small laugh and winked at the man. "You know you love me, Ross." Charlie turned back to him. "So, you running away from home, then?" Xander nervously shifted the two bags with his feet.
"Um, meeting someone here," he admitted.
"Well you go, boy. Shy little virgin one night, moving in with the beau a week later. Knew you had it in you," Charlie used a shoulder to push into him. "Course this means that I don't get my shot at you, but I can wait. When you get tired of this new man in your life, you come on back to your first crush, deal?" Charlie asked with a wink, and Xander found himself blushing and choking on air as he tried to come back with a response to that. Charlie just laughed as he started for the floor in the Tarzan outfit. "Drop the bags in my dressing room." He called as he walked out the kitchen.
"Suck up," Luis snarled as he grabbed a tray of food and headed for the floor. Xander picked up the bags and headed for the back so that he could put them away before facing the rest of the club. It wasn't until he had reached Charlie's dressing room and stowed the bags in the small bathroom that he realized that Xander Jr. hadn't even reacted. He could still look at Charlie and recognize a near-god of a man, but he wasn't the man Xander Jr. wanted. Nope, Xander Jr. was more into lithe and blond. Shaking his head at how much life could change in a week, Xander went out onto the quickly filling floor and looked for T.
"My god, darlin', it's about time you got your ass back here," sang out a voice as soon as he stepped into the hallway. Charlie had obviously snitched on him.
"T," he responded happily and then realized that he really didn't know what else to say.
"Oh, you're not getting out of it that easy, you start spilling before I call Gunn and the guys and have them sit on you till you fess up," T threatened while opening a door and gesturing for him to follow. Inside he found T already perched on the edge of a well-worn desk with various stacks of paperwork waiting patiently.
"Um, I don't know where to start," he finally admitted as he dropped into one of the two metal folding chairs.
"This vamp hunting thing, was this just cover so you could run off with your boy?" T asked in a more serious tone than he had ever heard the man use. Serious with just a hint of anger.
"No!"
"Well then?" T asked after a long silence.
"Spike and I didn't…I mean, we obviously did, but not until after. Oh shit." Xander couldn't even get his thoughts together enough to figure out how to tell the story without revealing too much. He closed his eyes, took a breath, and shoved his demon as far back as he could before he started again. "Spike wanted to kill a vamp named Cassidy--the same vamp who was in charge of the nest where Frederick got killed. We've been hunting him. Spike knows how to hunt vamps better than anyone I've ever seen, and I helped him find places, including the place Frederick died. We got attacked, I got hurt, Cassidy got dead, Spike got me somewhere safe, and now I'm back." Yep, enough truth to sound true, but not so much truth to get himself kicked out or Spike staked.
"And the bags?" T asked, this time in a far more mild tone.
"Well after the whole killing thing, we sorta, ya know." He blushed and then looked up when T started laughing.
"Shit, darlin', I always thought that once you found someone you'd lose that innocent charm, but you've still got the stuff to make a man's heart beat faster." T stood and clapped him on the shoulder before heading for the door. "I'm glad you came back; some of the regulars been askin' about you. In that outfit you'll clean up in tips again tonight." Huh? Xander looked down and realized that he had dressed in club-wear with a deep sapphire blue shirt tucked into tight black jeans. He hadn't even paid attention to what he had pulled out when Spike had opened the armoire and pointed to a shelf with clothes that would fit him.
"I don't know if Spike…" he stopped at T's suddenly suspicious expression. "T?"
"Oh cutie, please don't tell me you've fallen in with some man who'll tell you what to do every minute of the day."
"No," he quickly responded; he didn't need to have T's sympathy. "I told Spike I'd meet him here and I don't know when he'll show up," he finished weakly. T's expression remained suspicious, but the man slowly nodded.
"That's okay, you can work until he shows up. When you leave, just give me a head's up, okay? So, *are* you going to keep working?"
"Don't really know yet, might be too busy," Xander added the last when he saw the worry and disappointment in T's eyes. Shit, he'd only met the man a week ago, his disapproval shouldn't matter so damn much, but it did. He never wanted T to know just how much he needed Spike and Spike's approval.
"Well, you let me know. Going to be some mighty disappointed folks around here if you don't." T quietly pointed out while opening the office door for Xander to leave first. He didn't have any idea what to say to T that would be both true and stop the look of pity and worry.
"I'm happy," he finally settled on.
"Good for you sweetie," T said as he closed the office door and ushered him back to the kitchen. "You just make sure that you do what's right for you." Xander only wished he knew what that would be; it was hard to tell with both his own thoughts and his demon rattling around. How could he have assumed the demon was simply his own dark thoughts for all those years?
"Ross, this is Xander; he'll be running food when he isn't dropping it on the floor," T introduced him with a wink.
"Um, hi Ross," he smiled to the heavily tattooed white man who looked him up and down appraisingly.
"He the one who got the front stirred up last week?" Ross asked T without interrupting his visual inspection. Xander shifted uncomfortably under the gaze.
"Yep, one and the same."
"Well try not to drop so much of my food," Ross commented as he turned his back to them in order to work with something in the sink. T simply laughed.
"From Ross that's the seal of approval," T whispered as he picked up a tray of chip-bowls and handed it to Xander. "He's a little like your Luther, except *he* isn't an asshole," T confided. Xander had to laugh at the thought of the tall, well-muscled scarred Luther being anything like the short, heavy, tattooed Ross. Then he felt himself pushed back out onto the floor of Safari, the food islands lit by colored lights and Charlie slinking down the raised runway as hands reached through the bars and caressed legs and thighs and even occasionally grope under the loin-cloth when the customer's arms were long enough. He stood mesmerized by the sight of Charlie's dance for a moment until he felt a warm hand on his arm.
"Oh, I have missed you," a man with salt and pepper hair commented as he moved in. He could feel his face growing warm as he recognized the man who had fed him his own semen less than a week earlier. "Such a lovely boy," the man commented as his hand moved down to the waist and began to pull the shirt out from jeans.
"I, ah, have to get this food out," Xander stuttered. The man laughed and then slid a bill down the front of Xander's jeans before quickly sliding a hand across his bare stomach under the shirt.
"Just a welcome back," the man assured him before laughing again and then returning to a small group standing a few feet away. Xander slipped away toward one of the far food islands.
"Yell if you need me," a deep voice behind him offered, and he nearly dropped his tray in surprise. He turned to see the black-vested Carlos standing there.
"Carlos, hey," he said as he braced the tray on one hip so he could straighten up the bowls.
"Some things never change," Carlos laughed as he walked a few feet away and turned to watch. Yep, some things never changed; here he was straight off killing one master vampire and bedding another and people still assumed he couldn't take care of himself. He sighed. Oh well, at least they cared enough to watch out for him even if it was annoying.
The next two hours passed with a minimum of trouble. Xander ran food, customers felt Xander up, Xander watched for Spike. Yep, he didn't figure the trouble would start until Spike actually showed up, which he had expected much earlier. Part of him wanted to retreat to the back room and wait for Spike in privacy, but another part of him reveled in the fact that he was acting without permission. Yeah, where were all the psychiatrists when you needed them?
Xander had been caught by a man sitting at a table when he felt the tingle down his backbone. Spike? Vampire? He turned his head, trying to spot the source of the tingle, but he had limited mobility at the time. In trying to get to a far food station, he had walked near a booth, and hand had slipped between his legs, and the occupant of the booth now sat hugging one leg as he smiled up. Xander sighed tried again to pull free, but the man had a good hold. He might be able to pull the man out of his seat, but he couldn't pull loose without his hands, which just now balanced a tray half-full of the dreaded potato skins.
"I do have work to do," he pointed out reasonably, but the man held on and exchanged a knowing look with his friend at the table.
"You shoulda seen him lasht week," the man slightly slurred to his friend. "Hottest thing ever."
"Please, let go,” Xander asked as he started looking around; he caught Carlos' eye and the bouncer started moving in. The drunk must have seen the cavalry arriving because his second hand held up a bill, proving that he was a tipping customer in addition to being a grabby jerk. The second hand slipped up under the loose front hem of Xander's shirt and then he felt fingers pushing down into his jeans. The drunk smiled and shifted his arm up so that it circled the thigh just below Xander's crotch. Xander had to shift his legs apart to keep his balance, feeling annoyed with the liberties the man was talking. The other customers had settled for quick grabs at the ass, caresses of the silk shirt, and darting thrusts into the jeans with money in hand. Xander had enjoyed the attention even if Xander Jr. had been less than enthused. But now, he just waited until the hand withdrew from his jeans and then he tried to step back again. The arm around his leg simply tightened as the drunk leered up salaciously.
"Oi, hands off," came a familiar voice. Xander jumped, his leg still trapped, and managed to lose two bowls off the edge of the tray before righting it. The bowls landed with a thunk on the floor as grease and potato bit splattered. He groaned and turned his head to see Spike directly behind him, a cool arm quickly sliding his waist
"Spike," he whispered, unsure whether he was happy for the rescue or terrified of the vampire finding him with a drunk attached to his pants. He really didn't want to get every grabby man in the place killed, and he suddenly realized that Spike was quite capable of doing just that. His heart sped up as the panic set in.
"Okay, time to let the server get back to work," Carlos' voice interrupted.
"Back off, git," Spike snarled, and the arm around his leg disappeared as the drunk and his friend slipped away, not wanting to get in the middle. Xander put the tray down on the table so that his hands would be free--not that he could do much if Spike started anything.
"Let go or I'll toss you out on your ass."
"Like to see ya try, mate."
"Spike, don't. He's just trying to look out for me," Xander interrupted when he felt the body behind him tense and start to bounce slightly. Oh yeah, bouncy Spike equals trouble. "Carlos, head bouncer on Xander-protectage duty, meet Spike." He felt Spike step forward, and then he found himself suddenly thrust behind Spike, watching while Carlos and Spike tried to glare each other down.
"You the one who gave Xander a hard time last week?" Carlos asked with a growl in his voice that came impressively near to the real thing.
"You the git who walked off and left him alone?" Xander could feel the hostility getting quickly out of hand.
"Spike, he's the one who got me out of the crowd after you left. Carlos, Spike's the one who protected me from the guy who killed Frederick." As he watched the two consider each other, he just wished Cordelia would walk in. That woman managed to make Spike and Angel play nice, or at least fairly nice, and he really needed to discover her secret weapon.
"Didn't seem to be protectin' Xander from that wanker," Spike snarled.
"I was coming to stop the guy when I spotted you. Last time you were more trouble than a friendly drunk," Carlos snapped back. The two stood, unmoving.
"Reckon I was," Spike suddenly turned amiable, and he held out a hand. After a brief look of confusion that Xander could identify with, Carlos took the hand.
"Nice to meet you," Carlos managed even while looking to him with a confused expression. Xander shrugged; he couldn't explain the vampire's mood swings any more than Carlos.
"Right, need to talk to my pet, here," Spike announced, turning a back to Carlos. He shrugged again as Carlos looked to him before moving off a distance to watch. He simply he knelt down to recover the lost food.
"Well this seems familiar," Spike commented as he crouched down to bounce in front of him, one arm leaning on the table. Xander bent his head, his heart still pounding with the fear that Spike would be angry, angry with him and with the various men who had touched him. Stupid. How could have risked so many lives just to prove something to himself. And T, he suddenly realized. He didn't want T to think of him as some weak thing that did whatever his boyfriend told him. Boyfriend? No, master really was closer to the truth. "Pet?"
"Yeah?" he answered without lifting his head. He pulled the last potato skin into the bowl and knelt there, cleaning his hands on his towel.
"You alright, pet?" He risked a quick look up and saw the head cocked to one side and the eyebrows lowered in clear confusion.
"Fine."
"Right," Spike snarked sarcastically. "Anytime you can give one word answers, ya aren't fine. Can't read minds, luv, so you better start talkin'."
"Don't get mad at them," he asked in a small voice, continuing to rub his hands on the towel even though he had already gotten them clean.
"Who’s that, luv? The wanker who grabbed at ya?"
"Yeah," he whispered.
"You thought I'd eat them for doing that, didn't ya?" The bouncing stopped, and he felt Spike's hand close around his arm. "That's it, innit?"
"Well, yeah," he admitted, looking up at Spike in the low light of the club.
"If he'd hurt ya, he'd have died a slow and painful death," Spike admitted. "But he didn’t."
"I thought, with the touching…" Xander felt his heart begin to truly race as his demon squirmed, wanting to throw itself at master's feet and beg forgiveness. Spike looked at him for a long time, a strangely neutral expression on his face. Spike finally pulled him close and whispered in his ear.
"If you want to work here, it’s all right with me. Like people seein' what they can't have. Like showin' you off and then watchin' people lust after ya, knowin' that you only lust after me." Spike added a lick from the collar to the ear, and he felt himself shiver as Xander Jr. suddenly came to life. "Cassidy showed ya off, making ya go starkers so they'd all see what they couldn't have." A second lick and he closed his eyes and shifted so that he could press himself into Spike's firm body.
Now Spike pulled him up so that they stood next to the booth. Spike positioned him so that he faced the club with Spike standing behind him. He watched out of half-closed eyes with his head tilted so that Spike could continue exploring his neck. The vampire obliged by sliding a hand under his shirt and closing his lips over the place where neck and shoulder met; he felt the suction and squirmed under the attention, barely registering the customers who had turned to watch. "But don't ya think we should take care of the vamp feedin' on the customers before we continue this?" Xander continued to writhe against the hard body behind him until the words finally penetrated the lust.
"Vamp?" he squeaked. Spike laughed.